To ask how to tell my DM to drop this?

[Actuallyabitgreynow]

I split with my exDH about 18 months ago, and have been with my DP for almost a year.

Ex and I have a 5 year old son together, who is also adopted.

My DP has met my DS on a number of occasions but only as a friend, and my DS spends more time with other friends of mine than he has with DP. My DS adores him but he also adores the postman, he's an affectionate child!

Me and my mum are very close. She is an amazing support to me, we very rarely have disagreements and never fall out. But lately she is very much on my case about letting DP be a bigger part of my DSs life. Particularly because my ex is, by all accounts, a bit useless.

Herein lies the problem. I don't want my DP to be a big part of my DSs life. Not now anyway. My son has been through enough trauma in his life and I am not going to encourage him to build attachments to someone new unless I am 100% certain that they will always be around- and as much as I love my DP, I just can't know that yet!

FWIW my DP is completely on the same page as me. Doesn't have kids, doesn't want them. But he has taken to my DS and enjoys spending time with him but certainly isn't pushing for more involvement (he also has been supporting DS financially by funding private therapy for him for quite some time, which has been life changing for me as it wa

Posted too soon, bear with!

As it was something i could not afford.

My mum however is constantly bringing up how my DS needs a strong male role model and how great my DP is and how I am hindering a relationship between them.

I am in no doubt that I am doing the right thing, but how can I tell her to back the fuck off without causing upset?!

Maybe you can't avoid upset. But that's ok because your priority is your child.
You are absolutely taking the right approach here with your son and are putting him first and your mum needs to understand that.

Could you tell her you have taken advice from the adoption agency and that they have said that you are going about things the correct way?

Just say what you've said on here . There's no need to change a winning formula
Then tell her to mind her own business if that doesn't work
It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your son and partner

She sounds like she has very strong opinions about your son, your partner and what the best way forward is. And like she is not shy to push those ideas on to you! Its making you uncomfortable because its contrary to what you feel is right and best, and because she's overstepping her boundaries. She's not your child's mother, only you are. You are the one who bears the responsibility of his health and happiness. You make the decisions based on what you feel is right in your heart of hearts. You sounds like youre doing a great job of that! I think you have to draw a line in the sand quite clearlybecaiuse shes not backing off, so it will just get more and more pressure to do it unless you check it now. Some firm words are needed 'mum, i love you and i love that you love us. But Ive told you repeatedly that I dont feel this is the right time. This is my decision, not yours. Im not talking about this again,' She will be offended and huff and puff, because she sees herself as the authority figure and wants to get her way / what she is determined is 'right'. Put her firmly but lovingly in her place and dont tolerate disrespect of your decisions. It sounds like its the right one and like youve got your head screwed on right.

YANBU. I think you are being very sensible and trying to cause as little disruption to his life as possible. You need to be firm and assertive with her "I have explained my reasons to you already Mum and will not be engaging any further" every time she starts.

The thing is I have told her over and over, last night I even told her that I am already carrying guilt about taking away the permanency of my son's home by leaving his dad, that I was entrusted with him to give him stability and I haven't been able to provide that. She just came back saying you cannot compare my marriage to my new relationship because the marriage was never right and was never going to work (she is right about this and its something I'd always known but tried to ignore).

I think the problem is that divorce is still very much not the norm for my family. I'm the only one. And my parents, although still young, are quite traditional and I think in their eyes it would be so easy to just erase my ex and replace him with a new ans improved version so that my DS doesn't have a broken home. Problem is, my ex is his dad, and as useless as he might be, my ex and our son love each other very much and I would never do anything to damage that or try to replace his dad in his life.

@ApolloandDaphne

Could you tell her you have taken advice from the adoption agency and that they have said that you are going about things the correct way?

Yes, this.

Your DP sounds ace. But if he doesn’t want DC then it would be madness to introduce them as a partner.

@MatildaTheCat maybe I should have said that he never wanted children and still doesn't want us to have children together, but hebos very open to us becoming a family in the future - just not quite yet! He welcomes DS into his home, DS has stayed there a couple of times and gas his own 'room' there, and DP has made comments in passing that assure me he is thinking long term - for example, he owns his house and I rent a flat, the long term plan is to move in together and he has mentioned a couple of times about other children on the street the same age as my DS being out playing and saying "they seem nice kids, be good that they're the kids DS will be growing up with".

Perhaps you need to tell her the subject is off limits. You have heard her opinion and you have made your decision and it's not her place to try to make you obey her and that any time from now on that she raises it, you will end the conversation and / or leave.

I'm 100% on your side. Even if your child wasn't adopted I'd feel the same. With an adopted child you need to focus on providing stability even more so just take all the time you need. He does sound like a keeper though.

Stop explaining or justifying yourself to her, when you do this you're taking a subordinate position and that makes her feel as if she can boss you around, just tell her you've made your own decision and the subject is closed.

I know you're right, it's just that this is so unlike her! She does not usually overstep boundaries at all- for example she is a Health Visitor and has never once offered ANY unsolicited advice on raising my DS, always waits for me to ask first. Her and my dad never interfered in my marriage even when they knew my ex was being a shit, they didn't particularly want me to marry him at all but still went along with it and wouldn't say a word against him.

It has honestly thrown me completely that she has zoned in on this. I think I need to make it clear that me and DP are happy with the status quo - I think she might think he wants to be more involved and that I'm pushing him away.

To be honest @Actuallyabitgreynow I would ask Mumsnet to move this to the adoption section.

I wouldn’t introduce them more until you are sure that your DP will be part of DS’s life story. In this case I don’t think you can go too slow.

Just nod, smile and ignore. If she really persists be very clear - ' you've said this several.times already Mum but I'm happy with the way things are now'. And repeat.

I think I would say 'I don't understand why you're so fixated on this mum, I'm happy, DS is happy and DP is happy, why are you so insistent we need to change anything? You're usually so supportive and I feel like this is starting to drive a wedge between us, I'd just like to let things develop slowly and naturally and I don't understand why you're trying to rush me?'

It does sound like it's unusual for her to behave like this so i would be wanting her to talk through her reasoning with you so you can hopefully put to bed whatever is driving her concern. You are very obviously doing things exactly the right way for you and DS, and DP too by the sounds of it so maybe your DM just needs to hear very firmly that everyone is happy and she needs to stop making problems where there are none.