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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to get out of this lockdown support group?

27 replies

luvvaduck · 28/05/2021 11:01

When we first went into lockdown my partner and I started a weekly Zoom group with long-term friends — seven of us. We adopted a policy of keeping things upbeat and positive in the group and had some great evenings laughing together. We all appreciated it and grew closer as a result. We kept our anxieties and fears for one-to-one calls and chats.

A couple of those friends asked if they could introduce some people they knew who were struggling. We said yes without thinking it through, assuming that any friends of our friends would fit in. And then a couple more were added. So now the Zoom invite goes out to a group of 13. My partner and I didn't introduce anyone to the group, by the way.

A couple of the adopted people fitted in well but three haven't. There's a woman who's attended more than 40 meetings and only spoken, briefly, on a few occasions. Most of the time she sits looking bored. I suspect she's playing solitaire during meetings. We ask friendly questions and she ignores or deflects. We know nothing about her other than her name and roughly where she lives. There's another woman who's a heavy drinker who frequently dominates proceedings. And another person with MH issues who talks endlessly about himself. It long-ago turned from being a weekly laugh with people we know to a kind of therapy group. They keep logging on, week after week.

Now that lockdown is over and we're getting back to normal I've suggested we call time on it. Some of the original friends agreed, but the newbies all want to carry on and have said they don't want the rest of us to go. The friends who introduced them to the group are embarrassed about some of the things that have gone on — but they are also privately putting pressure on me and my partner to stay with the group 'to spread the load' as one of them put it.

AIBU to say that now the worst is over, we want to free up our schedule?

OP posts:
PieElla · 28/05/2021 11:03

Christ the whole thing just sounds dire anyway so well done for sticking it out since day 1. I pride myself on not having had to endure a single zoom call with anyone

Just say you don't have time now and it's served its purpose

Whateverfuckingnext · 28/05/2021 11:05

I would stand firm. Say no that restrictions have lifted your dairy is getting full and you can no longer commit. Explain this at the next meeting and say, for you and your partner this is the last one you will be attending and would the group like you to shut down the meetings indefinitely or is there someone else who would like to assign the role of host. Put it back onto them.
It's a lovely thing you have done up until now but it sounds hard work and you're not obliged to carry it on.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 28/05/2021 11:05

Of course YANBU. I'd just wish them well and explain you're enjoying being able to do things in the real world and will see them around.

Life's too short to be stuck doing zoom calls with people you don't have much in common with. As for the people who are putting pressure on you to stay to spread the load of entertaining people they introduced I'd laugh and tell them that will be a no!

Pinkdelight3 · 28/05/2021 11:05

Of course YANBU. It's the perfect time to call it quits and it's entirely up to everyone else to make their own decisions. Don't be guilted into spending your time doing it by the person who already knows they made it worse. Draw a line, keep in touch with your actual friends and don't spend another moment carrying 'the load' of domineering drunks and silent solitaire players.

MrsAudreyAlfredRobertsOBEHmm · 28/05/2021 11:10

If it was your original friends that's still needed your support I'd stay but people you've never met, no
You can 'spread the load' by creating another group with your original friends to let them let off steam
What your friends decide is up to them, they are adults who can make their own choices

JoanOgden · 28/05/2021 11:11

Sounds hideous. You don't need to make a big deal of leaving, just say that you don't have time to attend regularly but will drop in on the meetings when you can. Then don't.

luvvaduck · 28/05/2021 11:18

Phew! The friend who mentioned sharing the load is really embarrassed at having introduced the silent woman and the one who drinks too much but is scared both of them will go downhill without their weekly support meeting. I wish them both well, but things have changed.

I've suggested someone else takes over the hosting but no one's volunteered so far. I think I'll just say that next week's will be the last and try to make it as positive as possible.

OP posts:
Rubyrecka · 28/05/2021 11:22

assuming that any friends of our friends would fit in

I would also assume this but I've learnt it's not the case at all

Sack it off sounds bloody awful, I'd need a support group to get over it

Pinkdelight3 · 28/05/2021 11:30

Your friend needs to realise she's not responsible for whether those people go downhill or not, and you certainly aren't. She can't put it on you and you've been way more tolerant than most. Your plan sounds good. Hope it works out!

Sciurus83 · 28/05/2021 11:31

scared both of them will go downhill without their weekly support meeting

This isn't your responsibility, or your friend's. Things are opening back up now, there are actual real life support meetings and in person therapy if people need MH health support they should be encouraged there

AlmostSummer21 · 28/05/2021 11:42

The friend who mentioned 'sharing the load' might be embarrassed to have introduced those people, she should be as it was a small group with an upbeat focus! Not a group to offload & get mutual support.

She's got a god damned cheek now to try to guilt you into staying to 'spread the load' (HER load)

Definitely just tell them firmly this IS the last one you are 'hosting'. End of.

Privately contact those YOU want to.

MMMarmite · 28/05/2021 11:56

"Oh, we're sorry, we've just got too much on at the moment. We're so glad you guys enjoy it so much, go ahead and organise it yourselves for next week. We might drop in from time to time where we can."

TotorosCatBus · 28/05/2021 11:57

Yanbu and I think it's better to do it sooner rather than later so you're not stringing these people ain't.
Many support groups will be open and people can visit each other in person so yanbu.

TotorosCatBus · 28/05/2021 11:58

I would be questioning a friend for giving me a guilty conscience about this. Her friends stayed for the sessions through lockdowns so you've done your bit.

VettiyaIruken · 28/05/2021 11:59

Knickers to that. They invited them, it's their load.

Jokename · 28/05/2021 12:00

Marmites advice is perfect. They can set up a new Zoom code and you will drop in when you can. No one has hurt feelings then.

krustykittens · 28/05/2021 12:01

It is not up to you to 'spread the load' for friends to support THEIR friends! If they want to take on this task, then they can do it. It's a bloody cheek asking asking others to do it with them or for them.

OrangeRug · 28/05/2021 12:04

Urgh this sounds horrendous. No need to make a big deal out of it, as PPs have suggested just "Oh we have too much on now lockdown has ended, you enjoy though!" and refuse to engage in any negotiations about it.

OrangeRug · 28/05/2021 12:05

And yeah they are not your responsibility. You aren't their therapist and you have your own life to get on with.

TotorosCatBus · 28/05/2021 12:08

The fact that nobody else is volunteering to chair the Zoom is very telling. I think that there will be a few more relieved people leaving once you announce your departure

LadyCatStark · 28/05/2021 12:09

You don’t owe the people you don’t know anything but if you don’t want to just call time on it, I’d phase it out by having the odd week where you have something you “just can’t get out of” but someone else can host the meeting if they like, then gradually leave it longer and longer between meetings.

CoffeeCakey · 28/05/2021 12:12

@MMMarmite

"Oh, we're sorry, we've just got too much on at the moment. We're so glad you guys enjoy it so much, go ahead and organise it yourselves for next week. We might drop in from time to time where we can."
This is perfect
CoffeeCakey · 28/05/2021 12:13

Or just say you are finding it's damaging your mental health so have to bow out.

Whyhello · 28/05/2021 12:14

The ones who want to continue can do so but you’re not obliged to carry on.

Onairjunkie · 28/05/2021 12:16

My god, it sounds unutterably tedious. I can’t believe you’ve stuck it for so long. Bin it off. There’s nothing stopping the ‘newbies’ from doing their own one.