To think my ex should look after the kids while I do placements

[Myusername33]

I’m currently a full time student. The industry I want to go into with my degree is really hard to get in to without experience. This summer I have managed to get work experience placements with 2 different companies, one is unpaid and I can do a couple of days a week 8:30-5ish and the other is paid a basic rate and involves working over night on an ad hoc basis, I would hope to commit 3-4 nights per month.

My ex currently takes our 3 dc eow and picks them up from school 1 day a week and drops them off home at 5pm. He is adamant that isn’t willing to take the kids any more than or like after them over night on school nights so that so I can do work experience, and he won’t contribute to child care for them either. He says if I want to work it should only be in term times within school hours and the kids aren’t his responsibility outside of the time he currently has them (he chose the arrangement we already have).

I think that they are his responsibility as much as mine and the childcare should be equal responsibility through the week. He is self employed and picks and chooses his own hours as suits him so there’s no reason he couldn’t have them after school if he wanted too or organise his working week differently and look after the kids 2 days a week when it’s not his weekend. Or if he isn’t willing to look after them there them he could pay for his share of childcare. He has been able to work whenever he wants up until now because I do his share of the childcare for free.

Anyway, I know he won’t ever back down but I would like to know if I’m being unreasonable asking him to take responsibility outside the ours he has already decided on.

If it helps, where I live (not the UK) he would be expected to pay 50% of childcare that enables work and since 24/7 care for work placements would be super expensive he would likely be jumping at the chance to take the kids.

You're not unreasonable. He should be forced to take 50% responsibility for the kids he produced. But sadly the system doesn't work like that. I don't suppose you are getting much cms either if he is self employed...
Can your uni help with childcare? Some will cover costs to retain students.

Good luck, my ex has never even had our children over night (his choice) you can’t make someone have them if they don’t want to

You aren't being unreasonable, but sadly non resident parents (see: usually fathers) can get away with this bullshit in the UK with no repercussions.

Obviously YANBU in the sense that they are his children and he should bear equal responsibility for them and give an equal amount of time to them.

YABU to expect him to suddenly step up when it seems like it’s clear he’s half - assed. Also a bit U to expect your ex to accommodate your new working patterns even if he was having them half the time.

YANBU but my experience as a single parent is that some men will do the minimum they can get away with.
My ex was unemployed and still refused to do any more than his 6 hours per week. Apparently if I couldn't work and manage childcare he should have custody.

Of course he should, but he wont. Theres no point even trying with men like this, they are just shit parents. Make sure you are getting the maintenance you are entitled too though.

Do you have anyone else you can ask? Family, or friends who may be able to help?

Is he paying maintenance?

Yanbu. He sounds like a nob...I wouldnt make the kids stay with someone who didnt want them there. He should be made to pay half of the childcare costs im my opinion

There is usually help available to full time students I think?

Also my ex doesn’t see them at all now, purely his choice, as other have said you can’t make someone parent more than they want to.

Sadly, you just need to act as though you are a single parent and sort out childcare when you need it. He won't help and you probably couldn't rely on him to keep any promises of childcare in the future.

He is happy for you to remain on a low income forever so that he can do the minimum. He wants his children looked after in a particular way ie by you not childcare. He will not change. Yes it sucks but no there’s not a whole lot you can do.
Make other arrangements. Remember what he thinks of you.

Do you have a binding access arrangement?

@ @Castlepeak where you are sounds sensible!

You are, of course, not being U OP but I’m not sure what you can do to make him.

You’re not unreasonable to have that expectation of him but you must know that despite that, you can’t force the selfish cunt to pull his weight more.

I really hope you find a viable alternative somehow and get to do your placements.

Thanks for all you opinions, a few people asked if I would get help though uni but unfortunately I don’t because I’ve organised the work experience myself. He pays a bare minimum of cm, and yes because he’s self employed he gets off pretty lightly there.

I will manage to do the placements by relying on friends to look after the kids which isn’t ideal but I’m just so frustrated that he won’t take any responsibility for them other than a a couple of fun days out eow. It feels so unfair that he can work whenever he wants without ever having to worry about childcare costs or rushing back to pick the kids up, I know I’ll never change his mind but I like to know that I’m not the one in the wrong for wanting things to be different!