3 year old nearly 4 behaviour

[Highlands23]

I can’t get my coat on or off before he does if we go out or come back? If I go upstairs he gets upset and cries. I went to put my phone on charge upstairs without him and he threw a tantrum and went upstairs and took My phone off charger and told me to go downstairs and come back up and do it again. I had enough and told him I can do what I want and And he must stop this as mummy can go upstairs for a second if I need to without a tantrum. He goes to his dad every other weekend and when he comes he can be more clingy than usual but usually he calms down a bit.

If I I put my coat or shoes on before he does he goes mad. He is a lovely boy, good speech and advanced in many ways but this need to control what I do and having to be first to do everything. He wants to do everything first or himself even things he can’t do at his age.

I made the mistake of taking my coat off before him and oh Lord ! Seriously none of my other children have been like this with having to do things first or go mad if I went quickly to charge a phone upstairs. So I’m not sure if It’s just a phase. Sometimes he makes me wait at top of stairs he as he as to be first down lol.

We go out a lot, do things and he sleeps fine ok lately testing bedtime as well lol but usually fine. Or is no

Mine is about that age and is also being weird lately. If I go upstairs he starts sobbing “oh no my mummy is gone!” If the baby gate isn’t closed he follows me. Even if I only go upstairs for two seconds to grab something, he’s on my heels. He blocks me from going near the front door because he’s scared I’ll go out. He screams for ridiculous reasons like I dried his hands and all of the water is gone. I think it’s just an age related phase.

My GC did the same a bit younger. There's no additional issues so we left her to it. We have to give in when we're out and she is on her scooter, but in the house we get tough. It could be a touch of seperation anxiety for some of it. Either way he will grow out of it. But if he's going to school in September you might see it come back, or a big change and he grows up a bit.

Ours had and has tendencies a bit like that, though not as extreme.

I can't advise, but I think part of it is a desire to do everything properly and quickly mixed up with the frustration that he's only 3 and can't! He wants to be the best at putting his coat on, and if he's first he must be the best! But obviously you are better at it than him (you have more experience!) which is frustrating.

Sometimes I wonder if this is partly a downside that comes with trying ones best to be positive and build up a child's confidence.

Good luck.

My DC would get really upset if DH or I left the room (but he was only around 2 at the time). Whoever was left with him would just say "mummy always comes back" or "daddy always comes back". He'd stop crying within about ten seconds though - so it doesn't sound the same.
How did you discipline DS for being rude and taking your phone off charge? Why can't DS put his on coat on/off at the same time that you do yours? What have you tried to do to tackle it so far?

I think this is on the spectrum of normal behaviour for this age.

I have a just-turned-4-year-old and I would have him down as being a generally happy, easy-going child but I still recognise many elements of this behaviour - perhaps not quite as extreme but the desire for control and specifying things to be done in a certain way/in a certain order definitely chimes. In the morning he will say what order he wants to do things, and will get upset if I can’t follow them (“but I wanted to get dressed after breakfast!”) or be upset if I don’t have a particular colour spoon or whatever.

Despite being a generally confident child he is also very mummy-centric and can get upset if eg I go upstairs without him.

If I can I tend to go with the flow of this - it’s generally no skin off my nose if he gets dressed after breakfast or wants his toast sliced in a particular fashion. I try to make it a bit of a game rather than it feel like he is a tiny dictator. And if I have to go somewhere without him I give him a “booster hug” to last until I next see him (sometimes even if that is just going upstairs!)...again I try to make it a bit of a joke (“just going to get my bag from upstairs...ooh, nearly forgot the booster hug!”).

It is infuriating at times but I find trying to embrace it makes it easier for both of us.

I'm so relieved to read this thread! DS will be 4 in July, he's really clingy and "mummy-centric" too at the moment. Clearly it's a normal phase.

I think this is normal behaviour for a nearly 4 year old. My DD hass just turned 5 now but this last year has been so very different than other years that she is just beginning to get a little less clingy.
During lockdown especially I had started to feel really trapped as she wouldn't even let me leave her to go to the bathroom.
Even now she has to be first to put on her coat and shoes, first to take off, first to be belted into the car, when I stop the first thing she says is don't forget me mummy!

@4fingerKitKat
I love the booster hug idea. I'm definitely going to adopt it for DD!
Poor thing I can see the panic in her face as soon as she realises I'm talking about going somewhere so much so that I don't mention any plans in front of her anymore.

[quote Sh05]@4fingerKitKat
I love the booster hug idea. I'm definitely going to adopt it for DD!
Poor thing I can see the panic in her face as soon as she realises I'm talking about going somewhere so much so that I don't mention any plans in front of her anymore.[/quote]

It really works well for my DS - I don’t think it would have been as popular with my eldest as he is less tactile but younger DS loves a hug.

I’ve found it helps defuse any situation that he might be a bit clingy or not keen to leave me, I get in there with the booster hug and make it a bit funny (“are you fully boosted? No I think you might need a little extra boost! Now you’re full to the brim!”) and he tends to go off happy.

Well I'd be ignoring all that behaviour and not giving him the benefit of my attention.

@MustardRose

Well I'd be ignoring all that behaviour and not giving him the benefit of my attention.

I’ve never found that works at all - young children can be endless stubborn and will generally win a battle of wills.

I’ve alway subscribed to giving choices and control on the inconsequential stuff and saving up my iron will for the I care about. Want to choose the blue spoon or the red spoon? Knock yourself out! Want to reject the cereal I’ve already poured? Sorry, it’s in the bowl already. Want an extra 15mins of screen time after we already agreed you were turning it off? Not going to happen.