To think a trial separation might work?

[Isthisbatcountry]

Posting here for traffic but wondering if anybody else has had any success with a trial separation??
Me and DH have been together for 10 years. We have teenage DC, none biologically together. We have arranged the logistics of it all with seperate houses, ensuring the DC are cared for etc. Money will be tight but a part of me feels it will be a small price to pay if it works out. Does it ever work out?
For backstory, its a typical when its good, its good but when its bad its shit kind of relationship. We take each other for granted and argue over stupid things.
Anybody have any words of wisdom? We're planning a 6 month relationship hiatus.
AIBU to think this could work and make us both see the light? Even if that light is we're better off without each other. Or are we prolonging the inevitable pain?

I wish I could arrange that for myself !
The one thing I’d say is to agree what you are doing about other people while you’re separated. Are you allowed relationships or not, I’m assuming not ?

No we've both agreed, this time is to work on ourselves. No othet relationships are allowed. We have no issues re: affairs or trust so im confident in that aspect.

@DinosaurDiana

I wish I could arrange that for myself ! The one thing I’d say is to agree what you are doing about other people while you’re separated. Are you allowed relationships or not, I’m assuming not ?

Im curious, why is it something you cant arrange? Trust? Financial issues?

Well it depends what you mean by ‘works’. If you mean ‘facilitates the end of the relationship in a gentler way than an official permanent breakup’ then I would say yes it probably can work quite well. If you mean ‘fixes all the problems and heals the relationship’ then I would say probably no.

If you have a break and then one of you shags someone else and then you decide to get back together, how will that play out? For example.

In the gentlest possible way, it sounds like it's the end but neither will admit it and drawing it out might be more painful than the alternative (e.g. change of heart, then both not on same page...etc)

That was my thought process, if it doesnt work then it might be a smoother transition to the end, no hard feelings, we gave it our all etc. We have both agreed no shagging other people though, and i trust him when he says that. But if in the unlikely chance it does happen then we'll have our answer then i suppose.

People tend to stay the same, so I would say that you may well both feel refreshed after a break, but they will arise again once you are back together.

I hope I'm wrong though and you get your happy ever after.

@DulseSeaweed

In the gentlest possible way, it sounds like it's the end but neither will admit it and drawing it out might be more painful than the alternative (e.g. change of heart, then both not on same page...etc)

Thank you, i have thought about this too. Are we flogging a dead horse. We are considering counselling during this period too. Im willing, DH seems willing too to make a proper go of things.

@MrsBobDylan

People tend to stay the same, so I would say that you may well both feel refreshed after a break, but they will arise again once you are back together.

I hope I'm wrong though and you get your happy ever after.

Thank you!!

I suppose I'm holding out hope for someone to come on here and say yes its worked for them. Anybody???
Would also be interested to hear anyone elses experiences, even if they are negative.

Maybe it could work with you living in separate houses, but staying married and seeing each other whenever. I’m sure lots of people would like that !

You ask why I can’t arrange it. We’ve not had a talk, but our marriage is over really. We sleep in separate rooms and don’t do anything together. He gets on my nerves, and probably I get on his, but neither of us will hit the end button. Separate houses would be lovely, and I think it’s a gentler journey to the end.

I would say that you should both do some relationship counselling, otherwise I’m not sure what will change in the 6 months.

I don’t have any experience, good or bad, but best of luck to you both.

I don't see how a 6 month separation from a 10 year relationship is going to change anything other than getting a break from each other which changes nothing when/if you decide to soldier on with it.

I'd probably insist on relationship counselling rather than a vague idea of "working on ourselves" if I actually wanted things to change.

It's just a way to cushion the eventual blow to yourselves, to children. I'm not sure I've ever seen it turn around with anyone. If it's vague and just breathing space without boundaries or review I can't see how things would change. But if you've separated amicably for finances, supporting children and moved on with your lives the eventual divorce will hopefully be a smoother ride for everyone.

Never heard of anyone actually doing this so can’t offer positive or negative stories.

What I have experienced within my network is several people who have separated and then got back together repeatedly. Each time getting back together it starts off fine and then ends up in the same please. I know several couple who have done this for 5-10 years on and off.

I think if you do it you need to agree it’s a one time thing. You either end up together at the end of a specified period or you separate. Also you need to think about what actual changes you both need to make in the relationship and work on them ans how you will know if anything has changed as a result of the break.

Like others though I suspect this may be the end and this may be a more phased gentler way to move towards separating. I imagine it is emotionally difficult to make the decision to end a relationship after that long.

Whatever happens I hope you get some positive changes and thing improve for you both.

Thank you to everyone for their kind words and advice. We have both agreed we are going to take a week or so to have a think about how we will both make this work. Then we will meet and set up some clear rules and boundaries. I am hopeful because we both do really love each other. We're both agreed counselling should be done too.
I am fully aware this might not work and if it doesn't and the separation makes the final ending easier for us both then it will all be worth it in the end.

I'm curious to know why you think it'll work? Surely the goal is that you live together harmoniously- so what good can come from living apart? It is an unnatural environment for your marriage (although I know some people chose to live apart long term).

If you feel that you're both still in love I would recommend counselling. After all, you presumably want to stay living together if you can heal whatever rift is going on?

As someone who has lived by myself for 4 years post separation, I have changed from living by myself. This may give you an unrealistic view of your relationship- which may just go back to square one if you do decide to move back in together.

Relationships go through phases, but they need to be worked on to be successful. Imo trial separation is just unofficial end of relationship. If you are going to make your relationship work you need to do so together