AIBU to think I can get over it?

[Cinderella1]

It might be a bit long but I don't want to be accused of drip feeding, so please stay with me 😬 My DH and I have been together for 21yrs. 9yrs ago I was diagnosed with cancer. DH was amazing, perfect, etc. but took it really hard, went on anti depressants. Lots of gruelling treatment (for almost 3yrs), operations, loss if hair, early menopause. NED for 2yrs untill relapse which was even harder, since it was just at the 5yrs cancer-free mark and I was told there is no cure now, so am on palliative care (not bedridden, just getting tired easily and need to sleep quite a lot in the day). DH was shattered and started drinking quite heavily (not in a nasty way - more embarrassing, incoherent type). His job involves a bit of international travel but we've always made it work and I have actively encouraged him, since it's been very good for his career. A couple of years ago my mum had a stroke whilst staying with us. I was at the hospital with her, trying to frantically call him. Finally, next morning got through and he said he's decided to take a few days off whilst working abroad and go to clear his head - fair enough. Fast forward to 2020 when I discovered by complete accident - seeing him writing to OW at 5am. Huge shock when he broke down straight away and admitted he's been having an affair with OW since a few months after my relapse i.e. for over two years. Haven't seen each other that often - twice a year?) but in constant communication, even taking her away with him whilst my mum was in hospitals and that's why he was NC those days. A few of his colleagues over there knew and have been out with them ,(even though I've met them too). I asked him to move out until I decided what to do. DS took things really badly, ended up in a hospital very ill, hating DH. Meanwhile Covid started in earnest and since I couldn't look after DS properly, allowed DH to move back. He swore OW knew he'd never leave me. Gave me complete access to his phone, deleted FB, etc without me asking. Decided to try and give it a go again after a few months. So far, a year on, he hasn't given me a reason to doubt his intentions but I do have very black moments, thinking how can I possibly trust someone who betrayed me at my most vulnerable... Then I think if all the fantastic times... Then of him lying next to me for months/years sharing intimate things with OW... Am I being naive, thinking we/I can truly get over it?

I wouldn't be able to, no.

It's YOUR relationship. Things aren't as black and white as people like to think and no one on the outside can answer this for you. No one else can tell you what you should do, why he behaved the way he did or what will happen in the future. Focus on your happiness and don't even think about what other people want you to do or think you should do.

Entirely up to you. No one here can advise. Whatever you decide be kind to yourself, don’t judge yourself harshly. Take it one moment at a time. You can take as long as you need to make this decision.

It’s up to you. Good luck, I think you’re very strong.

That's up to you OP. You dont have to "get over it" , you dont owe it to anyone to try again but, then again, you might choose to. What happened wasnt your choice but this is and there are no right (or easy) answers. Certainly having him back is not the easy way- but it may be right for you.

Move back as in back to normal or move into spare room to care for ds?

I doubt the trust will be there now. I'd think carefully about what you want when ds is grown up and gone will you regret wasting years putting up with him, will resentment build?

He let you down very badly at the lowest points in your life, I don't know that I could forgive him. What is it teaching your son about relationships?

It's your relationship. But I couldn't.

It would always be there in my head, making everything just a little bit shittier than it was.

However, it sounds like life is hard enough for you, and accepting that he's done this might be what you need to do to get the help you need from him. I don't think anyone else can tell you what would be best for you.

Things are never black and white. As vulnerable as you were, so was he.

If you are dying, and you love him, and he loves you, and he will find comfort afterwards with OW then I would forgive him and just be. It’s not a normal set of circumstances. It doesn’t sound like he has turned to OW because he has gone off you like a normal affair, it might instead be because he loves you so much and couldn’t deal with the news and losing you. I might be totally wrong but just a different spin.
Potentially you could make sure he knows the “rules” for when you pass - putting DS first, safeguarding and shared finances for your son etc.
Follow your gut OP, sorry this is all happening to you

You don't mention how long you've got; but is it worth bearing grudges? He was a good husband for 19 years and a weak one for two.

TwoAndAnOnion I do sometimes think that cancer is harder on the others around the sufferer. That's why I understand the drinking and depression. But I also DO NOT want someone to be with me out of pity/guilt - even though he swears time and time again that it is not the case.

I agree with SandysMum and most of the posts above.

One thing I would 100% do though is sort out your will properly with a solicitor, and make sure your half of everything is put in trust for your ds.

I really don't know how long I've got. My chances were very slim initially. I take tablets that are working for now, and am managing fairly normal life (or what passes for one these days 😅) so it could be a few years or a few months. Once these meds stop working, they may be other albeit limited treatments available but no cure.

@Cinderella1

TwoAndAnOnion I do sometimes think that cancer is harder on the others around the sufferer. That's why I understand the drinking and depression. But I also DO NOT want someone to be with me out of pity/guilt - even though he swears time and time again that it is not the case.

My DH died recently - we were always each others go-to strong person. He had me whilst he was ill, I was fortunate I had good friends too. But I can see how a friendship could develop into something more. The biggest 'difficulty' I found was no one to cuddle, everyone needs physical contact/affection at times (I don't mean sex).

I don't think you're the pity party. I think he's terrified of you dying.

There's no way to say. I do think moving past an affair is incredibly difficult (you can't get over it, you just move past it). I struggled, and still do, 4 years on. I get intrusive thoughts about OW and DH but it's far less and doesn't cause me the same pain. I do trust that he wouldn't do it to me again, and I guess that's enough for me (at the minute). It's not black and white as PP's have said.

I second what @SandysMam has said.

You want to know for certain if he’s with you out of pity, but you can only go on what he tells you.
You don’t want these thoughts to consume you whilst going though such a difficult time. I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through.

TwoAndAnOnion That is exactly one difficulty in moving truly past it. I have always been quite touchy-feely and sexual person. I needed that closeness even more badly after my relapse. Physically, I don't really "look I'll". Have put on a bit of weight after all the treatment and fatigue, but he has put on a lot more 😉 I went out of my way to show him that I still want him, etc only to be pushed away and be made to feel so alone and unwanted (red flag in hindsight). Put it down to his depression. To think that he "buried me alive" is so awful... As to being friends - OW hardly speaks English and they haven't got much in common at all. I'm 8yrs younger than him, she's 18yrs younger, for all it's worth.

Oh OP this is really sad. I can't imagine that this has been remotely easy for either of you. And just to play devils advocate I can imagine being the strong one is quite hard for years on end. I can well imagine that this girl was pure escapism from the fear in his life. I think if you can forgive him for his humanity you will be able to move past it. Maybe not forget but find some peace for you and your children.

I agree with you generally that things are black and white. If he had done this in a typical marriage because kids were stressful or you had lost your job (or he had) then there would be no coming back from it. But your circumstances are more extreme and the psychological impact on you both is going to be very different. This one isn’t black and white. You need to communicate about the root issue. He is going to lose you and that must be terrifying. He may well be pushing you away because he can’t fathom the pain of that all at once. It just hurts you though and you have enough going on.

I jusr cpuldnt get past that with limited time with you he chise to spend it elsewhere. That would break my fucking heart amd i could never see him the same way.

If you WANT to you try to just pretend it never happened and eventually you might forget most days? Or allocate yourself 30 mins each day to let yourself think about it and then close the book? I dont know. You dont necessarily have to move past it, you just need to find a way to minimise the time its in your head and the impact that has on you day to day. What stands out t9 me is that you can gice reasons/excuses for why you think he did it but i cant see that he has had a proper honest conversation with you about it.

Im going to get called a nasty fucking bitch but is there any part of you that thinks he would have stayed with her if youd kicked him out?

An0n0n0n I don't think your question is nasty - I have asked that myself and TBH don't believe he would've stayed with her. Our DS is 18, DD lives with her DP and DGC, we are financially comfortable, so he could've done if he really wanted to. We have had a few very deep, painful conversations. He has done all I've asked of him and more. Our friends who know about it do believe that he does love me and it was just an escape from reality for him. I really don't know what more he could do, but I still struggle so much. I am not afraid of being alone, more scared that I'll never be able to truly forgive...

Its better to forgive him. As you say you don't have that long to live and for me the priority would be spending my last years in as much peace as possible. I know its hard and he was wrong but we are all weak at times and like your friends say you can think of it as his way of coping with the situation. I think it will be more peaceful for your children as well if you forgive him rather than them having memories of you being separated at the end. Difficult one though OP. Only you can decide what you want to do x

I think you're doing an incredible job in getting through this as well as possible. However, it doesn't sound as though being with him is giving you any peace. He broke the spell that relationships have when he broke your trust. Only you can decide if the new version of your relationship is worth keeping.

I'm a little confused by all the comments about considering how hard it was for him and this was his coping mechanism. YOU were the one diagnosed and dealing with a DM who had a stroke and rather than throw his efforts into looking after you and DS, he started drinking too much alcohol, left you to look after his mental health and had a two year affair involving holidays away. In what world is that what we can expect from a spouse when we become ill?!?

I don't say all this lightly OP, I've cared for someone incredibly close to me whilst they had cancer with all that entails including a recurrence. It took a toll on my mental health so I sought help from my GP, got counselling and at no point did I let on to them that that's what i was going through. THEY were the one who was sick and needed protecting. It would have been selfish and self-indulgent to put my burden on them at the time.

Now you know when the chips are down what he will do. It sounds like your current treatments are doing a wonderful job and hopefully will do for many many years. But when the time does come, or if things deteriorate will the "stress on him" become too much for him to behave like a decent human being again? At that time you deserve so much more than to be laid up wondering who he is messaging, whether he is drunk somewhere, who he is leaving the house to meet. Wondering how close he is to being a selfish prick again.

Whether you have 12months or 12years - enjoy the time you have left. Don't stay with him because of a countdown clock. Stay with him if he makes you happy. If you're not, then I'd seriously question why you would waste any of your precious time on him.

Wishing you all the best OP

Every time I read MN, I lose a bit more respect for men. Or, I understand them a bit less.

I’m so sorry, OP. Him having an affair with a woman 18 years younger while you’re dying of cancer is just horrible. What happened to, “in sickness and in health, keeping myself only unto you till death do us part”? I mean, the instructions and the promise are very clear.

I don’t know what I’d do but I’d start by seeing a solicitor to ensure your son’s inheritance is protected.

Thank you all for your input and kind thoughts! It's good to know how others view the situation. I know, sadly, that I'm not the first and won't be the last to experience something like this.