What do we do about this?

[wherefromherenow]

So my step son who I have a very good relationship with has came to our house today saying that his mum has hit him. He is 5 years old.

He said she hits his bum, hand and the back of his head. He told us he can't say certain things to her because she gets angry. Etc he can't say he misses his daddy as she says that after everything she does for him how can he want to be with his daddy instead.

What would you do with this information? She's limited contact a lot lately because she loves the control, saying she's planned things over my partners contact time, which is usually every weekend, instead so he can't have his son.

I've never put a finger on my children and don't know what to suggest we do. Could anyone advise?

I think you should do nothing. I think the child’s father should either talk to his ex or take it further.

Sorry to clarify, no it won't be me doing anything. I keep out of it all between them and just offer him support. When you say take it further, further to where? That's mainly what we want to know.

at previous poster. OP is concerned about a child, that's a good thing.

OP, no experience of this, but I would suggest calling a children's charity to get advice. Poor mite.

When I had safeguarding issues I reported exh to nspcc...
Not that they did anything but it was on file...

@wherefromherenow

Sorry to clarify, no it won't be me doing anything. I keep out of it all between them and just offer him support. When you say take it further, further to where? That's mainly what we want to know.

Maybe try the school. They will have a safeguarding team.

Thank you to everyone else!
Yes my first thought was the school, but he's so scared of her limiting contact even further. It's such a shit situation.

You have information that a child is potentially being harmed. The right thing is to pass that information on. I agree that the school safeguarding lead or the NSPCC helpline would be good places to start.

You never talk to the person who is carrying out the abuse. His father needs to contact the school. They will have their safeguarding lead speak to the child. If the school get similar information from him, then they will take it further. That will give you power in court. She is physically and emotionally abusing him and your DH can't selfishly ignore this.

Why are people saying the father needs to contact school? The child has disclosed to the op.

Oh dear he could be embellishing it as they often do at that age but if she is doing this you need to put a stop to it. Maybe tell your stepson to tell a teacher at school or ring school tell them what he told you and leave it at that definitely ring Nspcc for some advice I wouldn't say anything to her

Contact the school and his dad should be getting a legal contact agreement or pushing for custody if the mother is abusive.

Oh dear he could be embellishing it as they often do at that age

What a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say.

I am a retired child protection worker and I can tell that what you need to do is report this to social work or the police. Right now. While they are deciding how to take things forward make sure he does not go back to his mother. You need to be the ones ensuring his protection.

Unless you’re living in Scotland, I believe it’s still legal to physically discipline your child in the rest of the U.K. she shouldn’t be, anyone that feels the need to lay a finger on a child shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near them, but from a safeguarding POV I don’t believe anything would be done about that.

@ConfusedAdultFemale

Unless you’re living in Scotland, I believe it’s still legal to physically discipline your child in the rest of the U.K. she shouldn’t be, anyone that feels the need to lay a finger on a child shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near them, but from a safeguarding POV I don’t believe anything would be done about that.

Hitting on the head is not deemed acceptable by the police. Hand and bum may be considered reasonable chastisement depending on how hard it is and whether there is bruising left.

Does he have a contact order in place? She can’t restrict his contact if he has one?

I would call the school and speak to the safeguard lead

Regardless of whether one parent has 'more' custody and regardless of whether the facts have been 'embellished' this is a safeguarding issue.
As OP has been the person to whom SS disclosed the events then she should contact SSs school and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead, and tell them what she has been told.
The school won't name her to the other parent but it will log concerns and will help them to be alert for any developments.

If OP has not seen any bruising it is hard to quantify but that doesn't make it any less concerning.

If his ex is limiting contact he need to start the ball rolling with mediation for fixed contact and escalating to court if necessary.

I would report it to the school as they have a duty of safeguarding.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I think you should do nothing. I think the child’s father should either talk to his ex or take it further.

This is absolutely correct. You aren't biologically related to the child so the fact they've told you that they're being physically abused is irrelevant to you. Just like teachers and doctors, all adults who aren't blood relatives of a child shouldn't ever step in to stop abuse.

This is absolutely correct. You aren't biologically related to the child so the fact they've told you that they're being physically abused is irrelevant to you. Just like teachers and doctors, all adults who aren't blood relatives of a child shouldn't ever step in to stop abuse.

Being a step mother is not the equivalent of a teacher or doctor who are actually trained in safeguarding procedures.

@wherefromherenow

Thank you to everyone else! Yes my first thought was the school, but he's so scared of her limiting contact even further. It's such a shit situation.

Take her to court and get access formalised

If it's physical harm you need to call the police