Mums drinking

[moocow45]

I've posted about this before but getting to the end of my tether now. Sadly lost my dad in March quite suddenly. Since then my mum has been drinking a lot. I understand it's to cope with her grief but she's always been a drinker. There's always been a 'poor me poor me pour me another drink' excuse. And now she's got the ultimate reason to drink.

She is a sloppy, spiteful drunk. Not abusive as such but talks rubbish, picks fights, makes no sense and doesn't remember conversations. I am trying to help her sort out some financial issues relating to dads will and she is being so difficult, refusing to speak to solicitors, she has turned up drunk to important meetings and I feel like I'm managing everything as well as dealing with my own grief and taking care of my own family.

I am at a loss. She definitely has an issue with alcohol but won't accept it or do anything about it. I love her dearly but am so frustrated with her. Has anyone else got any experience of dealing with a close one who drinks? It's pretty much daily now and by late afternoon I know there's no point even talking to her :(

Op, I mean this gently but you understand she’s an alcoholic right? And with alcoholics they need to want to help themselves and realise there is a problem. There is very little you can do. There is support agencies foe families of alcoholics, who can help you. 💐

Yep, both parents. My dad was an angry, arrogant, emotionally abusive, control-freak drunk - to some extent still is but has mellowed a bit with age. I am very low-contact with him.

My mum died from vascular dementia last year age 71. She was a pitiful, woe-is-me drunk who used to lock herself in the toilet crying when my dad went off on one... Or pass out on the sofa.

There is literally nothing you can do to help unless she wants to stop drinking. As a young teenager, I used to beg my parents to stop but nothing changed.

I would (gently) advise you to distance yourself

There is nothing you can do except preserve your own sanity by distancing yourself. Hugs x

I would find it very hard to distance myself. We've always had a very close relationship despite the drinking. It's not always been this bad. And she's a different person when sober. I don't want to lose another parent but I do understand that she has to want to stop and make changes herself. It's just so difficult to watch :(

There’s nothing you can do though. And alcoholism is basically degenerative, it’s spirals down through various stages, if she is now drinking throughout the day and even turning up to meetings drunk, she’s spiralled down.

She will also have physical impacts, which will make it difficult to stop, where she will need another drink to stave off the symptoms of withdrawal Ie not drinking through the night, so needs a drink in the morning,

Try al anon. They are a support group for the families of alcoholics.

I am so sorry for your loss and for this awful situation.

I went through something very similar and once you have managed to sort your father's affairs out, you will have to distance yourself - for your own sanity.

I didn't speak to my own mother for years as I refused to talk to her whilst she was drunk, and she preferred the drink.

Now at 80 years old, she maintains she only has a couple of glasses a day, but I can hear the slur in her voice.

Previous posts are correct, she does have to want to stop for herself, and it might take a long time before she gets to that.

I can only echo what other people have said - you are powerless to help her. My mother also turned to alcohol - initially after my father was diagnosed with dementia, then it accelerated after he died. It was difficult to watch, but she would not be helped - denied she had a problem, drink drove, eventually developed alcohol induced dementia and died at home from a fall down the stairs 4 days before an assessment that would have seen her sectioned. Through it all she refused all help and because she was deemed to have insight, nothing could be done.

All you can do is set boundaries - which might mean refusing to interact with her when she is not sober. My mother was not a mean drunk, just an intensely sad one, but my Dsis and I also had to set boundaries. It's a horrible situation to be in.

To help yourself, please contact a support group like Al-Anon or similar, so that you can talk things through with people who share your experience. It's incredibly helpful in dealing with the sadness and the guilt.

Sorry OP. Yeah, my mum started drinking heavily in my late teens and died when I was 22. It often doesn’t take long for women to pass away from alcoholism if they’re really hammering it, their bodies aren’t able to handle it as well as men tend to be able to.

I’ve been there, trying to rescue and help and save her. The number one thing I can tell you is this: her drinking is absolutely and solely in her control. Not yours. There’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop her from drinking until she’s ready and willing. And even then the extent of your help is to be a supportive voice, maybe accompany her to appointments if she’s nervous, but she has to do the work.

Don’t sink your own life to try and save her, you can’t and at the end you alone will be dealing with the impact of having almost killed yourself trying to rescue her.

The best thing you can do is to focus on your own life, let her know you love her and hope she chooses to stop drinking but that you can’t be around her when she’s drunk, and mean it. I see above you say you’d find it hard to distance yourself: that’s okay, and choosing not to do so is a choice you have every right to make. Just understand that it’s a choice and you are also free to make other choices, too.

No real advice. Been there. Posted here for support as I watched her die from it.
I could never have distanced from my mum either, she wasn't awful when drunk but she was drunk every single day.
I tried to help her, it really is true that unless they want help there is little you can do.
Get some support for you though, you'll need it x

And be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter whether strangers online tell you that you can’t help her and need to prioritise your own well-being, you’ll no doubt try to save her because she’s your mum and you love her, and it might only be down the line you realise that you never would have been able to no matter what you did. It’s a journey. Al-anon are good if you can attend a support group locally.

It’s hard being the child or parent or partner of an alcoholic. It’s been ten years for me and I still miss her every day, but I realised a long, long time ago that she was the only one who could have saved herself and she wasn’t able to, that’s not on me or anyone else. Sending love.

You sound exactly like me 3 years ago. My relationship with my mum has plummeted. I've tried really hard to help her but she was very much the only victim in our family when we lost my Dad.
She has recently been diagnosed with severe cirrhosis and is pretty ill. She 'seen the light' and says she has stopped drinking. But unfortunately the damage to our relationship was done for me. So 3 years on I'm left with someone who is very needy, narcissistic and pretty selfish. I don't even think she has noticed how her relationships with our full family have changed. But we grit our teeth and get on with it, helping where we can.

Try contacting Al anon there will be so many there who understand your situation as they have been or are still going through it. You will get lots of support and help from them. They will tell you to detach with love which is what you must do. I hope things get better for you.

Thank you for the comments. I'm finding this very hard to accept. But I know you are probably all right. Sober she is a wonderful loving person. Everyone likes and respects her. It's very hard watching her change so much when she's drinking. Like pp said, she's not awful just embarrassing and hard to talk to.

@moocow45

I would find it very hard to distance myself. We've always had a very close relationship despite the drinking. It's not always been this bad. And she's a different person when sober. I don't want to lose another parent but I do understand that she has to want to stop and make changes herself. It's just so difficult to watch :(

Hi I wanted to reach out my mum died on 5th march very suddenly at 66 years old. This has left me devastated and my dad too. He is an alcoholic he goes on binging sessions roughly every 6 or so months. This is about 3+ weeks of very intense drinking which most often only stops once he becomes seriously unwell and requires hospitalisation. I agree that the person needs to want to get help but there are people who can support both of you through this. You could start with your mums GP and see if they can do a referral over to the community alcohol problems service. We have this in Scotland not sure where you are located but I imagine all health boards have something similar. You can also access this service through social work as there are social workers who are linked in directly with this service. In regards to distancing yourself I do not believe this is the answer. In my dad's case there are always lots of people asking for his support and help when his is sober but as soon as he starts drinking they all leave and it's basically just up to me to pick up the pieces. Yes this is tough and we have just got through another binge session which ended a couple of days ago. This one incredibly difficult as it would normally be me and mum in this together but now it's just me. Alcoholics do not deserve to be abandoned by their family this will inevitably make things worse for them. Indeed drinking is a coping mechanisms but more often than not if it's a long term issue it is normally to mask something underlying such as anxiety and depression. I will always be a constant for my dad no matter how often he hits the bottle as he needs me. I have come to accept that he will stop when he is ready and what I can do to help him through his binge sessions is to visit regularly, keep him stocked up with food provisions, be a ear to listen if he wants to talk, get him medical support as needed, make sure he has clean clothes and a clean house. Yes it is an emotional strain and sometimes I need to take time so I tend to visit on alternative days if possible unless he's really bad then I will visit daily. At the end of he day when my dad's time comes and believe me if I never stayed involved over the years I firmly believe my dad would have died years ago as I have hauled him to the hospital many at times. The last time I fact he barley made it through. My dad is 76 years old and when he passes away I hope that I have no regrets as I know that I have done my very best over the years and I have never turned my back on him. I know how tough things are for you I get this 100% but alcoholics really have no control over their behaviour it is a diagnosed illness. When the time is right you should voice your concerns to your mum and ask her to seek support from either her GP or social work. You can make the calls and set up the meetings so long as she has agreed to engage. Don't break your relationship with your mum as you need her just as much as she needs you.

Take care.