To have finally accepted that being quiet/reserved is ok

[QuietIsOk]

All my life I have been told I'm too quiet. Every single school report since nursery mentions me being too quiet and too shy. Apparently it was such a huge flaw that I had several well-meaning teachers trying to encourage me to gain confidence using lots of different tactics throughout my school years, the strangest being asking me to sing a song in front of the class when I was 15 (?). To this day I still get told I'm very quiet, just yesterday a colleague told me I'm quiet.

However, this week at work I received some positive feedback from my manager. He praised me on how I train new colleagues and build their confidence and how patient I am with them whilst they are learning the ropes. It made me reflect and think how being reserved/quiet is ok. A team needs all kinds of personalites. My confidence, assertive colleagues are needed in the team to push for changes/improvements as needed to improve procedures and increase our productivity and our eloquent in group meetings; my chatty colleagues are needed to reduce stress, encourage group harmony and make the work day pass quicker; my quiet colleagues are patient, encouraging and good listeners; etc...

Of course building confidence is always going to be something I want to work towards, but I have accepted that that will most likely be a quiet confidence for me and that is ok.

I’m quiet but I’m not shy. I hate that people assume both are the same.

It’s not a flaw, I’m just not competing with loud mouths who need the attention.

I don't like the idea that quietness is a lack of confidence, when it's just a personality type. I've known quiet people to still communicate what's needed in handovers etc and that's what matters.

This is great OP! Well done.

I can't remember the title but there was a boom about exactly this a few years ago, I remember the author being on Woman's Hour saying exactly what you have realised. It takes all sorts and not only the loud, confident out there personality is valuable.
I think it was this one:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196/ref=ascdff0141029196nodl/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310973726618&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1481854090591745917&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046363&hvtargid=pla-448425243075&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Don't get me wrong but have you tested yourself for autism?
It's only a problem if it affects your life.
I had the same "quiet" comments but now I see they were seeing my autistic traits.
I wish I'd been diagnosed back then with the support and tips/reassurance there is now. I'd urge any parents of a too quiet child to at least bear it in mind.

"It’s not a flaw, I’m just not competing with loud mouths who need the attention."

You can't really complain about negativity towards those who are quiet whilst being nasty about those who are not. It's OK for people to be quiet. It's OK for people not to be quiet.

Ignore people (such as yourself) who judge you on whether you chat a lot or not.

I'm quiet, not shy though but tend to allow others to do all the talking.

Some people assume I'm boring or sad bit I'm neither. I'm happy as can be but just get on doing my thing without telling the whole world every detail.

One thing I have noticed though is while I ask questions of others a lot of my loud friends are so happy chatting and talking about themselves and their opinions they never ask for mine which is actually very rude.

One of my DHS friends can talk for England, hes so loud, but I don't see him now as he never asks a thing about me or my life.

I hired someone who was super quiet, she was my third choice but the others couldn't do the job (not because she was quiet I hasten to add) but I was very nervous about how she would settle in, would she be really nervous etc (customer facing role). How wrong was I, she was brilliant and the most capable employee I've ever had, she just wasn't overly chatty and was very softly spoken. Never again will I mistake being quiet for being shy or lacking in confidence, it was my mistake to conflate them.

I agree with you that being quiet and reserved is not a negative character trait and can be beneficial in social groups and certain circumstances. I also don't think that quiet and reserved necessarily means shy either.

I think the only issue is if that's accompanied with a lack of confidence to speak up or be heard when required.

I'm naturally very introverted and quiet in groups but I've had to learn to act extroverted at work in order to progress and ensure I'm not overlooked.

I think the issue is that whilst introverts learn early on that they have to accommodate extroverts, extroverts rarely get the same encouragement to actually understand introverts or why people may naturally be ok with being quiet or reserved.

Have you ever done a Myers Briggs personality test? It might be a nice little tool to better understand yourself and perhaps have others understand you too - it helped me at least!

Op are you quiet as in softly spoken? Or just don't feel the need to fill every silence with chitter chatter?
DS has just had his 1st nursery report which states he is quiet, now wondering if he too is also going to get a lifetime of this.

I wish there were more quiet and reserved people in the world

I think the issue is that whilst introverts learn early on that they have to accommodate extroverts, extroverts rarely get the same encouragement to actually understand introverts or why people may naturally be ok with being quiet or reserved. THIS!

I think it's a shame that being quiet and being shy are seen as negatives and that being a loud mouth who constantly need attention from everyone and is always brown nosing is what seems to get people ahead. What great feedback from your manager though! It's great that they appreciate you so much.

I've resented the negative associations of being quiet all my life. Now I'm working to overcome my quietness. It hasn't served me well at all; it is due to lack of social confidence (for me); and there are plenty of reasons it's viewed negatively by others (it can make people feel uncomfortable, for one).

Well done on the praise you received from your boss, but I don't think building confidence in others and being patient is the result of quietness generally. That said, if you're genuinely at ease with your quietness, good for you.