To wonder how to get through the next 4 weeks

[4longweeks]

Hi juts wondering if anyone had any idea how I can get through the next 4 unbearable weeks at work.

I am a deputy manager at a care home, I have held the fort for the last 3 weeks as the manager has been off. On Monday, after careful consideration, I handed my notice in as my mental health was beginning to suffer. Think, no staff, toxic workplace due to constant bitching and backstabbing (we are working on that)

Since my boss returned on Monday, she's made my life a misery (yes I know it's only been 2 days but feels like 2 years!) Before I even handed my notice in, she started snapping. No 'hello, how's things' or 'thank you' (not that I expect thanks for doing my job but it's been a tough 3 weeks)

I handed my notice in and it went from bad to worse. She snapped the entire day, one word answers etc. I went to see if she was stopping for lunch as we always have lunch together, she told me she's already had her lunch. I know that sounds incredibly stupid but it's just one of many things and a significant change in her attitude towards me.

Today, I have called in sick as I have diarrhoea which I have no doubt is caused by stress but obviously we are not allowed to work with diarrhoea as we care for vulnerable people. I text her and got a one word 'okay'. I have been as supportive to her as I know how during the last 3 weeks and throughout this entire pandemic.

I am usually very strong mentally as I try to prioritise caring for my mental health as I am prone to depression. (touch wood not had a bad bout for about 10 years) but just feel completely ground down now.

Thank you for reading if you got this far! Any ideas on how I can get through the next 4 weeks would be gratefully received.

See if you can get a doctors note for stress-related illness...which it seems you have?

Thank you TeeBee I know I can self cert for a week and I have no doubt at all that my GP would sign me off for the remainder of my notice period.
I really didn't want to go down that route because I'm worried that it will have a negative impact on any future reference or job applications.

I am tempted to e-mail her to say that either we work together amicably for my remaining weeks or she will leave me no choice but to go off as I'm not going to make myself ill.

honestly, I think you might be overreacting and interpreting everything she does as personal when it isn't. You acknoelsge yourself that it is a stressful job stressful enough for you to leave! and that it has affected your mental health. Might it not also be affecting hers, to the extent that she is short tempered? Similarly, knowing that you're soon to be leaving will be an additional stress on her if you're already short staffed. Imagine if it were her leaving and you had to hold the fort/take on her job. You said it's really stressful!

I also can't really see the problem with her response to your text about being ill: she can't complain, she can't make it better. She just needs to know so she can try to arrange cover (which I imagine is very difficult when you already are low on staff). What else would you have wanted her to say? It's implicit to me that she would want to you feel better (even if only for selfish reasons so she has more staff!)... and right now her immediate concern is covering your absence.

You're out in two weeks. Be kind to yourself today and when you return to work (hopefully you will) to serve the rest of your notice, try to concentrate on the patients/clients and just doing your job. Don't read into things and take everything personally -- it doesn't do anybody any good.

suspiria I am out in 4 weeks not 2.

I get that she's stressed, what I don't get is why other people have to be her emotional punch bag and why she can't see that anyone else but her might be suffering.

If it were her leaving, I like to think that as stressful as it would be, I wouldn't take it out on other people....that's not good management.

I wouldn't put that in writing, but I would consider phoning her to say that. See what she says & more importantly how she behaves.

Don't hesitate to go off sick if you need to. I doubt it'll impact on future job applications. Especially not at this point in time (pandemic) and even if it was going to, better that than another visit from the black dog!

Put your MH first and don't worry about anything else 💐

I am struggling to understand why you are surprised.

You are leaving because it's a toxic workplace. And now you are complaining that it's, erm, a toxic workplace......

Remind yourself you are there to do your job, not to be liked by horrible bosses. Go back to work when you feel able to, hold your head high, and just be grateful you got out. Your boss and colleagues are probably envious.

As someone who has worked in a similar role in a care home, I can totally sympathise. Some people don't realise how toxic and bitchy a lot of care environments are. I was a care coordinator but someone else was registered manager, but there was another service local who had its own registered manager who helped out as well. Oh god, it was truly awful. Staff all involved in petty squabbles bitching about each other and causing so many problems and management above me involved in some weird power play, and me left feeling like I'm the only one who actually cares about the service users and who just wants to come in and do my job and run a safe and effective service. I handed in my notice and the situation got far worse so I ended up leaving before finishing my notice as couldn't cope with the stress of it all. I had a lovely relaxing break before I started my new job and had a lot of annual leave accrued that they had to pay so didn't end up struggling for money in between. Are you able to get a sick note for the rest of your notice or simply stop working your notice? It has never affected me/my reference by the way.

@4longweeks

suspiria I am out in 4 weeks not 2.

I get that she's stressed, what I don't get is why other people have to be her emotional punch bag and why she can't see that anyone else but her might be suffering.

If it were her leaving, I like to think that as stressful as it would be, I wouldn't take it out on other people....that's not good management.

My mistake. It's still not very long.

In any case, you haven't really described a person who uses others as her "emotional punch bag". You've described someone who is short-tempered in a stressful and high-pressure environment, but who is ordinarily nice enough that you would want to have lunch with her. I don't see how one day of being a bit snappy which, come on, happens to the best of us and her inability to take a lunch break with you add up to "emotional punch bag" levels of person management.

Unless there's something else you haven't mentioned yet, I don't see the same horrendous monster you seem to be implying your manager is. I mean... you wanted to have lunch with her! How bad can she be?

Perhaps think of it this way: what benefit is it to you to think of your manager as deliberately cruel, dismissive, vindictive, abusive or whatever?
Conversely, what difference could it make to your final few weeks on this job to chalk her slightly off behaviour up to stress/overwhelm, don't assume it's personal, and just get on with it?

Been rather a lot of “cheer me on while I work my notice” posts with awful cunts as managers making life misery lately. 5 in the past 48hrs since the PA cheerleading thread ended.

Take a deep breath, smile and remind yourself 'And this is why I am leaving.'

It's not easy, but be the bigger person. See it from her side, she's lost a good member of staff by the sounds of it.

I left a toxic work place last year and my notice period was hard. But it was the best thing I ever did and I am so much happier now.

She's not really using you as her emotional punch bag though is she OP? She's just not going out of her way to be friendly. And that's fine - you're leaving and you are not friends.

lockdownalli when you put it like that, I'm now also struggling to see why I'm suprised

Freecuthbert I'm sorry you also had to experience a toxic workplace and glad that you got out. I think unless you have experienced it, it must be really hard to imagine how vile these kind of workplaces can be. I like to think I'm a fair, level headed manager who gets the job done. If I'm liked along the way that's a bonus but I don't expect it. I came into the job a week before the first lockdown and the manager 3 weeks before me. There was a culture of bullying from the previous management and we've tried hard to turn things around but I'm done. I have annual leave left over from last year but apparently I can't take it as part of my notice period as there's no way I'll even be replaced in 4 weeks.
Almostsummer thank you for the flowers , and you're right, a call might be better than an e-mail.

suspiria I intend to 'just get on with it' . I have a list of things I need to get done so I don't leave anything outstanding and have started making notes for my replacement which might help him/her. All I wanted was ideas of how to get through the next 4 weeks which may not seem very long to you but does to me.

confusedadultfemale I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about or the thread you are talking about. Perhaps be a little less cryptic?

Yes it's truly awful isn't it! Also I didn't take annual leave as part of my notice period, I just meant because I stopped working my notice and already had lots of accrued annual leave, my final pay was decent enough to afford the gap before starting my next job. There was also no replacement ready for me, but they couldn't force me to work my notice. Obviously sick note for stress is another option.

If you really want to stay and work your notice, then I think you'll have to do lots of nice things for yourself between shifts and keep yourself busy so you're not thinking about work so much when you're off. I know it's easier said than done!

@4longweeks I thought I was clear, this is yet another new “cheer me on while I work my notice” threads. There’s been rather a lot around lately since a long running cheer me on while I work my notice thread ended.

ConfusedAdultFemale so??

Flowerclock Pulling up my 'bigger person' pants. Glad you are happier .Did you get another job?

Freecuthbert I really do want to work my notice because I care about the residents and also the staff. I have never ever clock watched in a job in my life but when I couldn't sleep last night I was literally adding up the hours I've got left, fell asleep before I got to counting minutes! Think distractions and plans are the way to go.

4longweeks - I was in a very similar situation a number of years ago. I had to work 4 weeks notice- (based on my contract at the time, I read that was all the notice they as employers had to give me. They tried to get me to stay to work out a notice of 3 months, but I was very clear of the terms of my contract). She was furious I did this. I thought I would never get to the final day. I had a female boss as well (for the record).

Its extremely stressful when you are in that environment, people stating you only have 4 weeks to go, don't really get it. It is a horrible feeling that all you can thing about is leaving.

Your mental health is really suffering at the moment, no amount of reassurance is going to make you feel better.

The fact you asked your boss to join you for lunch is you trying to keep things as normal as possible. Your self esteem has taking a battering.
Even at this point you don't want confrontation with her, you just want to work out your notice and leave.

Based on my experience all I can tell you is - every day I was going into work, until the day I left I felt physically sick driving into the job, that is not going to change.
You need to grow a thick skin and not bother about her, let her become irrelevant to you, why should you care what she thinks of you, she is annoyed you are leaving and getting out of there. Its a control thing. Its the only way you are going to get through the next few weeks.
Don't bother trying to appeal to her to treat you fairly, she has already shown herself to be a complete bitch.

Everyday you get go into work, try and remember that is one day closer to getting out of there. Keep focused on that thought.

Remember it is completely natural to feel the way you are at the moment. You will get through this.

One final thing. I will never forget, the day after I left the job, the feeling of absolute freedom and elation was unreal.

You will get through this.

Best of Luck.

Sick note for stress

Actual tips for getting through it:

Something to look forward to at the end of the day. A nice meal you cook; a takeaway; a bath; time to read; buying a magazine. Whatever.

Try to make things easier. Would a nice coffee you’ve picked up before work perk you up? Can you listen to music on your way in to work?

I promise that it feels awful now, but in 6 months you will look back and it won’t even seem ‘that’ bad.

Good luck.

bjrce thank you for your advice, I think you are right, I need to grow a thicker skin and I need to stop giving her head space. I think it hurts because we have been through so much managing the home in this pandemic and I really thought were friends as well as her being my boss...naive I know. I will focus on the every day is a day closer to leaving.

Catswithflamingos thank you for your kind words. I have put in my diary something for the end of each day to look forward to...and dug out my wireless ear buds to try and immerse myself in music while I work.