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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents Facebook page comments

76 replies

Witchcraftandhokum · 25/05/2021 19:41

I work in a school as a Pastoral Lead and I've been sent some screenshots of a parents Facebook page (private group) where a parent has made some derogatory remarks about my appearance. I've posted in the Staffroom page and I'm shocked that the majority of the responses have been to ignore it. Do you think I should or do you think that this should be tackled?

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 26/05/2021 06:47

Monkey see, monkey do. Is it any wonder you have to pull students up on bullying if they see the parents doing the same.

I think the head is right, they should be speaking to them about the posts and how it's another form of bullying. Just because it's supposedly 'out of school' and they aren't students, making derogatory comments about someone isn't acceptable. If the school are trying to clamp down on bullying then I think these people should be spoken to.

Babymeanswashing · 26/05/2021 06:52

I don’t think anyone on the staff room is condoning what’s happened, Op, but the problem is these things are really hard to police.

It’s a private FB page, it isn’t an official one of the school or any other organisation. And if it is tackled by the head, it’s unlikely she’ll stop making the comments - I think they’ll just move to a different domain.

Has your head changed his stance? I thought you said that he seemed to think as teachers we ‘put ourselves out there.’

mainsfed · 26/05/2021 07:02

Not sure if this is allowed but would happen if you joined the group and responded to the comments?

Bagelsandbrie · 26/05/2021 07:09

I would be annoyed with whoever sent you this. What good has it done except for upset you? If it’s a private Facebook group you should never have seen whatever was said. People are always going to be rude about other people, personally I would just shrug it off and tell whoever sent the information to you that you don’t want to know what goes on in private groups.

Original poster
Witchcraftandhokum · 26/05/2021 07:16

Babymeanswashing I don't think people were condoning it, it's just depressing that some people think it's something we just have to put up with.

The head's putting ourselves out there comment was the first time it happened, now it's happened agaín he wants to tackle it.

OP posts:
Babymeanswashing · 26/05/2021 07:17

To a certain extent, people talking about you in ways we might not like is something that we have to put up with, although it’s obviously upsetting when it happens.

KateTheEighth · 26/05/2021 07:36

I would absolutely ask the head to speak to her

She needs calling out on this. As other posters have said this is clearly where (some of) the son's attitude comes from

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this

flippertygibbit · 26/05/2021 07:38

As much as I understand your distress, it's a private conversation amongst group members. Members are free to leave if they don't like what they see, or to have some balls to stick up for you.

If it was a public conversation that would be different but you can't police what others say effectively, to their friends.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/05/2021 08:41

Agree with some PP. It is unpleasant behaviour, it is nasty and uncalled for, but it was never meant for you to see. It is a conversation between a select group of people.
Whoever sent you the screenshot was not particularly pleasant either. Why would you send someone something like that. It is not questioning your ability to do your work, it is a remark on your appearance. It should have been called out there and then.

Bumzoo · 26/05/2021 08:41

Out head would get them in and pull them up on it.

Saltyslug · 28/05/2021 01:38

I wouldn’t bother to get upset about a Facebook comment on my makeup or hair length. Most parents would quietly judge the mum making the negative comment.

EvenleyWitch · 28/05/2021 01:50

@omgthepain

If Facebook and the head aren't doing anything I'd 111 it for harassment and publishing malicious comments inthe public domain

It's bang out of order and I'm sorry you've got this happening to you

Ring 111 citing the malicious communications act about a parent mocking a teacher's hair style? I really don't think that's what it's meant for. Lol

I'm very sorry this happened to you, but parent who showed it to you would get a gold star in her year book for shit stirring in my school.

All she's done is upset you.

Mockolate · 28/05/2021 02:00

Ugh, YANBU.
Bullying. Grown adults who need to grow up a bit more (hope the head pulls them up on it!)
Facebook itself will do Jack Shit if you report comments though, they're notoriously useless at removing offensive comments.

Mockolate · 28/05/2021 02:03

but it was never meant for you to see. It is a conversation between a select group of people

Oh, and I never get this attitude - thinking gossiping and bitching about others on the internet is just conversation between your mates in private, um, no it's not.
You've made it public by going online.
Even if you think you've "locked down", it's still there in the public domain,

katy1213 · 28/05/2021 02:42

You're being ridiculous. You're not being bullied. Comments were made about you in a private forum which you would never have seen had some busybody not decided to stir it.
Think back to your schooldays.Did you never make derogatory remarks about teachers? I'd have thought it comes with the territory.
Your colleagues are right. Let it go. You're not 14.

WeAreTheHeroes · 28/05/2021 02:58

Times have changed katy and I think we are more switched on to this kind of thing being wrong and a form of bullying. You see it as someone stirring it, I see it as someone speaking up. This kind of shitty behaviour from parents explains why their kids think appalling behaviour towards others is acceptable. Teachers get so much crap for so many different things as well as having to deal with students' poor behaviour and the consequences and it's really not on.

PinkSatinMoon · 28/05/2021 03:03

@WeAreTheHeroes

Times have changed katy and I think we are more switched on to this kind of thing being wrong and a form of bullying. You see it as someone stirring it, I see it as someone speaking up. This kind of shitty behaviour from parents explains why their kids think appalling behaviour towards others is acceptable. Teachers get so much crap for so many different things as well as having to deal with students' poor behaviour and the consequences and it's really not on.

Agreed

JackANackAnoreeee · 28/05/2021 06:29

Parent pages do tend to attract unpleasant parents who want to nitpick and make ridiculous critisisms of school staff but making nasty marks about your appearance is outrageous. I'm glad school management are supporting you. I have no idea what they can do about private comments on a group but it's horrible the comments were made.

Out of interest why did the person send you screenshots of them? If I had seen comments like that I would have challenged them at the time but not sent them on to upset the member of staff.

Bananadramas · 28/05/2021 06:56

@Witchcraftandhokum

I had to speak to her regarding her sons behaviour but she tried to deflect it by talking about our "vile girls" and the length of their skirts (which we are also trying to deal with). I just hope she doesn't repeat these comments on the page. Most of out girls are lovely and they don't need to see such comments.
Most of the girls are lovely? So you agree that some are vile then? I think you’re just as bad as the woman you’re complaining about. Take her comments with a pinch of salt and move on!
Iamnotthe1 · 28/05/2021 07:18

Some of the comments on here really highlight one of the misconceptions around Facebook. Even if the group is private, it is not the same, in law, as having an intimate chat with a few mates in your living room. Facebook is a platform/publisher mix which essentially means that posting something is the same as standing in a crowded town square and shouting it out on a megaphone, even in groups with restricted access. You are completely responsible for the comments you post and, if you posting shitty things about someone else, should absolutely be called out on your crappy behaviour.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/05/2021 07:57

@Thebig3

How have you got a copy of this in the first place?

I honestly don't think you can tackle it. It is wrong and people shouldn't be making remarks like that. But you shouldn't have seen it anyway. It's no different to two parents sat having a coffee together making these horrible comments.

Comments like the above, and this:

It’s a private Facebook group. You shouldn’t have this information. I would consider the parent who shared it to like stirring up issues.

are simply enabling the bitchiness of this parent. They do nothing to address the fact that her behaviour is disgusting and making the OP’s job harder. This ‘Eeew, what a stirrer for telling you’ attitude is essentially letting the bully off the hook. Why are you making it someone else’s fault for telling the OP about this when they’re shouldn’t be anything to tell?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/05/2021 08:00

@katy1213

You're being ridiculous. You're not being bullied. Comments were made about you in a private forum which you would never have seen had some busybody not decided to stir it. Think back to your schooldays.Did you never make derogatory remarks about teachers? I'd have thought it comes with the territory. Your colleagues are right. Let it go. You're not 14.
Read the posts before making a complete arse of yourself. It’s the PARENT making the comments, and doing so where hundreds of other parents can see. It’s not hard to see how that differs ever so slightly to two kids in the playground saying they hate Mrs Henderson and think she’s an old bag.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/05/2021 08:02

@flippertygibbit

As much as I understand your distress, it's a private conversation amongst group members. Members are free to leave if they don't like what they see, or to have some balls to stick up for you.

If it was a public conversation that would be different but you can't police what others say effectively, to their friends.

So if someone loudly slagged you off in a pub, for example, in front of 100 customers who all knew you, you wouldn’t mind? Because the Facebook group really isn’t any different.
Outbutnotoutout · 28/05/2021 08:10

I would post a generic "reminder to all parents/carers about our social media policy, add link, those not adhering to the rules will be removed from this group."

You must have a social media policy which refers to treatment of others, no bullying, racist or homophobic remarks, derogatory remarks?

Everyone will know who the message is referring to and that will have a bigger impact than a few words in an office, where she will ignore you.

WeAreTheHeroes · 28/05/2021 10:46

I call out bad behaviour on private groups I'm a member of. Some of them have thousands of members. It categorically isn't like having a bitchy conversation with a mate. I told a poster on a local FB group that a job ad was illegal as it was sexist and racist. The poster expected me to educate them as to what they could say. Others in the group accused me of bullying for pointing out the illegality to someone younger than me. I suspect they knew each other/a parent. You couldn't make it up. Eventually a sensible admin stepped in and deleted all the comments and only let the ad stand once it had been changed.