AIBU about feeling sidelined?

[Unoriginal43]

I have a good friend. She was there for me when I had my dc and visited me on MAT leave. She’d come I’d make lunch/dinner. We’d meet up and I would travel with the child in tow.

She wasn’t working. Nor was I. She had no dc but was undergoing fertility treatment.
I was there at fertility appointments when her partner couldn’t go and post fertility ops with time and food. My dc was looked after by dh or in nursery in those times.

She became pregnant and had part of the pregnancy during lockdown then the baby last summer. I visited indoors. I helped with food etc as I had some time off work. I made an essentials box of things for the baby and her including clothes, blankets etc.

I started work again and covid second lockdown happened. She had some anxiety and there was a possible PND diagnosis about 4months post partum.
I offered my support. I prepped a care box to cheer her up.

I took my dc and dropped off the box. She didn’t open the door to say hi as baby was sleeping. I left it outside for her. She knew I was coming.
She’s been withdrawn but I call and message to touch base.
I haven’t been round since the care box. I offered to be her support bubble but she didn’t take me up on that.
Since the care box drop off we’ve arranged to meet twice. I’ve always made food to take and gifts for the both of them. She’s cancelled both — once for the baby once because her husband couldn’t do childcare for 2 hours even though he was home.

I know some of it can’t be helped with babies but she’s been very inflexible with times and dates. Doesn’t want to do weekends or evenings.

Some of it was covid related. No visit indoors etc but now she’s taking the baby to all the baby classes etc and covid rules changing and I’m vaccinated.

Finally I’ve repeated that it’s half term and we should arrange a day. She’s come back with the last day of half term. Great. But I’ve also been told about all the other meet ups she’s having with all her other friends organised before even a date fixed with me.

I feel like I’m putting a lot in for not a lot back. Supporting mental health is important for me and I’ve tried as much as I could. But AIBU to feel like I’m being sidelined? That this withdrawal is just a natural part of some friendships and I need to wait for her to put more effort in? Am I overthinking it?

Gosh that’s a long post 😳

It's a really hard one to call. You have been there for her and she knows you would be in the future. I would take a step back and see how things go.
It's tough because it could be her mental health issues making her feel like she has to push people away or the friendship has run its course.
You are very kind xx

You sound like a good friend. I'd just ease off the gas a bit, if it was me. She may just not feel upto much, especially if she's experiencing PND. Try not to take it personally, it probably isn't. Let her arrange the next meeting and if she doesn't, it will be her loss. Though I'm sure it won't come to that.

Thank you taking the time to respond. I think I will just take a step back. I know part of the withdrawal is PND and as she works through that I’m hoping that she gets better soon. I’ve said I’m here whatever she needs abs whenever she needs it so I hope she doesn’t cut me out.

Hard to decipher the land between being too pushy vs being supportive vs giving some space.

When I had PND I found it hardest to see the people I was closest to. Because they really knew me, so I knew that they'd be able to see through my faux bright and breezy coping mechanism. And I really, really didn't want to talk to anyone about how I actually felt. It got better, and I saw my old friends again, and was grateful to them for not having forced me to see them when I wasn't okay.

@Puffykins sorry to hear that. I will definitely not force her to see me. It’s there if she wants. It’s helpful to know how you felt. And might give some context to why she’s comfortable seeing others and not me (or how I perceive it which might be my own).

You sound like a lovely, supportive friend.

I’m sure in time your friendship will go back to how it was but I would take a step back and let your friend find her feet.

I’m pretty sure I felt just the same as your friend. I remember one of my friends popping by with her toddler when Ds was about 3 months, I felt utterly exhausted afterwards. Toddler was pretty full on, I hadn’t slept in god knows how long and tbh felt pretty low. As another poster pointed out, it’s easy to mask your inner demons to strangers.