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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto a godparent?

59 replies

culfeather · 17/11/2007 22:55

Dp wants his sister to be the new baby's godmother. I do not.
She is bossy, controlling, opinionated and beleives in all sorts of new age therapies that I do not.
she gave my current baby a new age gift on his burth that I threw straight in the bin because it was so mad.
I really hate to think she would look after my child if somethign happened to us.
but I have no alternatives, having used up my only relative on the first child and DP says we have no choice as it would look odd if we chose someone other than her.
but she could not give a shit about our first child unless its trying to tell us how to parent him....
do you think I should just give in to keep the peace?

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 18/11/2007 10:31

reading your OP - the issue appears to be, that you are unhappy with SIL. well it is your baby, so as parents you and DP need to negotiate an amicable choice. don't think godparent needs to be a relative, but needs to be in your opinion suitable role model if you are pressured into accepting SIL it will make you unhappy - chose carefully

colditz · 18/11/2007 10:39

Throwing away a present? Gosh, that's a bit brattish, don't you think?

By all means don't have her as a godparent, but don't stoop to 9 year old girl level mindless spite!

BarbieLovesKen · 18/11/2007 10:39

I think you need to be entirely happy with whoever is going to be your child's godparent. I wouldnt back down on this but think it out more together, try come to a compromise and decide on someone you would both me content with.

However, think it was really sweet to buy an angel for your baby - I don't see any harm, regardless of beliefs. Throwing them out was really childish imo.. but anyway! its your child!!

newgirl · 18/11/2007 11:40

no need to have her a godparent if it going to make you grumpy

she sounds well-meaning though - id keep her on side for future baby sitting help! every keen member of the family is potential gold dust! and dont forget youd be out and baby would be asleep

fireflyfairy2 · 18/11/2007 11:45

Why does dh not get to have a say?

Surely it's his baby too?

I still think you were behaving like a child throwing the gift in the bin. I had a fall out with my SIL about 2 years ago, she bought the kids Xmas & B'day gifts & I would never have thrown them in the bin!

fwiw we are different religions & when they have bought the kids something that relates to their beliefs I accept it.

But then I guess it's been like this from the outset for us so I've always known I will have to explain our differences to the kids some day

lucyellensmum · 18/11/2007 11:50

I guess you have to be sure re the god parent thing, but to throw the present in the bin?? How childish! Sorry if that is not what you want to hear. Ok, so your SIL comments on your parenting (yes, that must be very irritating i'll give you that) but that does indicate to me that she does actually like your child, perhaps it is just the bad vibes she gets from you that stops her from having too much contact. Speak to your DH see how he feels. But i think you have to look within yourself and ask yourself what your reasons are before you start stamping your feet. As someone has already pointed out a GP is for spiritual guidance and just beintg there, its not about being surrogate parents.

binkleandflip · 18/11/2007 11:56

Lets hope your child doesnt inherit your ungracious behaviour regarding gifts culfeather. You didnt have to throw the gift away, it wasnt for you after all.

I think your dh should choose seeing as you dont care about the service. Why do you want to dominate it all?

lucyellensmum · 18/11/2007 11:59

reading your further posts, may i ask WHY you are having your child baptised??? I am a catholic although im very lapsed, i dont go to church but i had my child christened as i wanted this for her. My DP has no religeon but also, after speaking to the preist, felt it was the right thing to do. But your reaction to what sounds like a lovely present (how can such an innocent icon that a guardian angel be an insidious intrusion on your childs life) because quite frankly, if you are so anti religeon i suggest you dont have your child baptised, i mean, how are you going to feel about all the ritual and symbollic gestures that have to be made. At a catholic ceremony the preist performs an exorcism, i remember my MIL being horrified when i mentioned this - rotfl - she pictured something out of the hammer house of horrors - satan begone and all that - but she totally understood my views and thought it was lovely (considering the exorcism entailed the priest saying a few words and putting some oil on babies head!!!).

I just think you don't like your SIL and are using her spiritual beliefs etc as an excuse to harp on about her. DONT have her for godmother if you feel that strongly about her, i dont believe it would be right, but i also don't believe it is right to baptise a child into a religeon with symbolism that you find insidious!!!

VictorianSqualor · 18/11/2007 12:02

Firstl I think it is silly to have a christening for your child if you don't believe in it.
I also think that throwing away what amounts to a 'good luck charm' is childish.
The 'my child' line was just as childish, fine you don't like her, then she doesnt have to be Godmother, but I think if you are doing it for DH anyway and don't believe in it yourself then why not just let him choose.
FWIW, My DD's Godparents are exdp's brother&SIL, and my close friend, my DS's are exdps other brother and sister&BIL.
The one I have always felt should really have been Godmother is my friend, because she really makes the effort, but I agreed to his family so as not to cause any arguments. Why can't you have more than one Godparent???
My friend was 'chief Godmother, and she held DD through the service, she was the one that came to church with us after, the rest didnt really bother, but it kept the peace.

lulumama · 18/11/2007 12:07

you are being unreasonable in :

referring to her spiritual beliefs as tosserish

and having your child baptised, even though you don;t believe in it

and referring the the baby as 'my child' , even though your DH is also a parent

re her being bossy, opinionated and controlling... the words 'pot, kettle and black' are springing to mind..

donnie · 18/11/2007 12:23

yes you are being unreasonable. Your whole attitude is hostile and babyish - chucking away presents. What is so dangerous about crystals and angels? do you really think they will somehow destroy your child? I agree with lulumama, you are the one who is ' bossy, opinionated and controlling' here.

If you don't believe in Christianity fine but don't then turn around and be so hypocritical as to a) organise a christening and b) pronounce who is ' good' enough to stand as a Godparent.

VictorianSqualor · 18/11/2007 12:29

BTW your SIL, giving an Angel gift is more Christian than you throwing it away, maybe it should be you that doesn't go to the ceremony.

AngharadGoldenhand · 18/11/2007 12:31

YANBU.

Dh gets his way over the christening.
You have your way over godparent choice.

professorplum · 18/11/2007 12:42

I think being disrespectful to your dp wishes and your sil beliefs would be more harmful to your baby than having a new age godmother. FWIW I think its ridiculous to get your child baptised if you don't believe in God. If you are doing it to keep your dp happy then why can't he choose the godparent. Do you really think that if she wants to tell either of your children about her beliefs when they are older then she will decide not to because she is not a godparent? She is their aunt so she is not going to disappear or not speak to the dcs or have influence over them just because she is not a godparent.

You should also write a will with named guardians for your dcs as this has nothing to do with godparents.

I have thrown away presents too. I have a vast family and I physically can't keep everything.

fireflyfairy2 · 18/11/2007 13:06

There's a difference in not having room for gifts & throwing them out as you class them "tosserish new age" stuff.

How much room does a guardian angel pin take up

inthegutter · 18/11/2007 13:10

Still don't really understand why you are having the child baptised. Also find the term 'my baby' gives a lot away. Is the baby's father not an equal parent to you?

nametaken · 18/11/2007 14:32

Hi culfeather sorry your getting so much stick. Why don't you and DH just choose one godparent each and leave it at that.

When we go to nursery school they teach us to take turns, be nice, and share and tbh we have to apply this principal in the rest of our lives (and marriage too)

Oh, I also throw away presents I don't much care for (well not throw them away but put them out in the charity bag). Why would anyone think I would want a cheap £5 made in china piece of crap in my house.

Your right about the gift. The whole point of gifts is that you give people something they would like to receive - not what you want them to have.

Let her be the godparent as a gesture of goodwill to DH. Maybe he'll do the same for you one day.

Have a lovely christening day

Freckle · 18/11/2007 14:42

I do find it is nice to choose godparents who are not already related to the child. That way, other people can have a special place in the child's life. Siblings and inlaws are already special (well, they should be) and so it's nice to confer the role of godparent on someone else. If you wish to avoid hurting your SIL's feelings (and, tbh, it doesn't actually sound as thought you do), perhaps you could use this to soften the blow.

I wouldn't have thrown out the gift. You may not hold with your SIL's beliefs, but you also don't hold with your dp's beliefs either. However, you are happy to have your child christened to keep him happy; why not keep your SIL's gift too? Even if you didn't put it on the cot, it could have been something for your child to treasure when older. Sounds a lovely gift anyway.

dooley1 · 18/11/2007 14:48

if you has to throw the gift away couldn't you have given it to charity rather than send it to landfill

Mellieandmin · 18/11/2007 15:06

I am sorry you are getting so much stick too Culfeather. I don't agree with your terminology or some of your actions but I am also sure you have lived with this women in your life for a long time and until you walk a mile in another person's shoes one really cannot judge. I am sure that there have been other things that have upset you in the past but that does not mean she does not love your baby.

Talk to your husband, it's a team effort this life, to walk it alone is pure madness.

beeper · 18/11/2007 16:38

YANBU

Desiderata · 18/11/2007 16:45

You definitely need three Godparents who are not related to your child.

Because that's three extra presents every birthday and every Christmas

Freckle · 18/11/2007 16:48

We chose relatives for DS1's godparents but went with friends for the other two. DS1's godparents, because they are aunts and uncles, buy presents for all 3 boys at Christmas and birthdays, but the younger two also get extra presents from their godparents. I feel a little sorry for DS1 as he seems to miss out on that extra something - not just the presents (although at his age it is all he can see!), but that extra relationship.

Original poster
culfeather · 18/11/2007 23:11

hello all
some of you are very kind but don't worry about me getting stick, its fine really. No-one but me knows the full story and anyway I'm used to mumsnet posters

I have just been reading some of the comments and have been having a chuckle at some of the outrage expressed because I chucked a horrid, mawkish guardian angel pin in the bin. Unfortuantely I chucked the bin away recently as it had rusted through, the angel didn't do it much good did it?

Or maybe it went to become the pedal bin of St Peter?

OP posts:
Desiderata · 19/11/2007 00:02
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