To think my life can’t be fixed

[avaya08]

I’m 35 and became a first time mum last year.

Prior to the birth of DC I worked full time
In a job I really did not like.
I’ve been at the company 5 years and have stayed way longer than I wanted to, the main reason being, i thought that it was best to stay there if I wanted to start a family.

My maternity leave wasn’t what I expected as it was spent in lockdown and I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety, so I feel I’ve already started off as a pretty rubbish mum.

I’ve gained 3 stone since DC was born and I’ve stopped having sex with my husband.

DH and I argue a lot, for no real reason, we just always seem to be against each other, snapping, name calling and just generally not getting on.

I’m back at work part time and I hate it more than ever.
I feel so undervalued but I don’t have the confidence to find something else.

I don’t feel like I have a future because of the pandemic.
Everyone around me now seems brighter and happier with life but i just feel like there’s nothing to look forward to.

I’m too scared to get my second vaccine so I feel like I’m stuck in a shit limbo.

I feel guilty that my DC has a mum like me.

I don’t go to baby classes because I hate the way I look and I don’t have the confidence to talk to other mums.

My hair desperately needs cutting and colouring but I can’t bring myself to book an appointment because I’ve convinced myself I’m going to have an allergic reaction to hair dye.

I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have I don’t feel I’m able to talk to them about this.

I heard two girls at work (one my manager) talking about me yesterday saying I need to get a grip (I told them was feeling really down)

I feel like my only comfort right now comes from food.

I don’t see how things can get better for me.

I didn’t want to read and run. I jsut wanted to say I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I completely understand your feelings. My marriage has wrecked my already poor MH and I feel guilty about the kind of mum I am, I am in my 30s and hate my work but can’t afford logistically or financially to make a change. I am trying very hard every day to think of steps that could change even one thing. Any free online training you could do? Maybe set aside an hour every day for you and dc to do something together however small? If things with your H can’t be fixed then that’s another story.. do you want to stay together? Or can you do marriage counselling through relate which can be quite cheap? I guess I’m saying that even in the bleakest times it can get better and your dc needs you, don’t give up as hard as I know that is x

Breathe.

First don't blame yourself, post natal depression is a thing. Don't be scared to ask GP for help.

Find an online stylist, and start enjoying making the most of what you look like now. Just a few outfits. You do not have to shy away from others because of a few pounds! Many mothers put on weight, even more people have put on weight during the lockdown, it's a thing!

Take step to find a job you would like.

Have you got any free time, 1 hour here and there when you DH takes over? Running helps me clear my head, other people like swimming, zumba.. I very strongly believe in exercise to help your mental health.
Do not worry about the way you look. Don't let that stop you!

Your baby doesn't care what you look like now you have plenty of time to become comfortable in your own skin, all that matters is you being happy.

Your GP should be your first port of call. If you don't know what to say to him/her then print out your post. What treatment are you having for your PND?

In the meantime have a look at this guide - www.getselfhelp.co.ukdocs/SelfHelpCourse.pdf

Sorry you have had PND, unsupportive duh and colleagues...

You are not a shit mum, you are a fab mum I am sure....get your jab and your hair cut and coloured....you will be fine...

Focus more on you get walking, three stone will come off but there is no hurry...focus on being healthy and looking after yourself, treat yourself with non food treats...

Your confidence will improve...don't let the bitches at work get you down...rise above....show them all who you are and what you can do not for them but for yourself.

My hair desperately needs cutting and colouring but I can’t bring myself to book an appointment because I’ve convinced myself I’m going to have an allergic reaction to hair dye.

then just have highlights and a hair cut! Still worth it. You can even have highlights when pregnant.
Book an appointment and explain to the salon when you book about your worries.

Any reputable salon won't let you do anything without a dye test a few days before your appointment anyway.

If you can afford it, make that call! You will look a million time better on photos, your child deserves photos of him as a baby with his mum.

@Sarahlou63

What treatment are you having for your PND?

I don’t have PND. I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety, I had CBT.

Are you the lady who hates herself because she had the AZ vaccine because of being overweight? Please see your GP it sounds like it's all mental health related and that's so normal following a baby.

I hated my job pre DCs but stayed because I was planning a baby and it didn't seem like a good time to change. I went back part time but can remember crying so much as I desperately didn't want to be there. In my case I got pregnant again quickly and then eventually left after DC2. So glad I left.

I had PND and have had all sorts of help with it. I am much better now (youngest is 3.5) but it's been a journey. There's no shame in developing a health condition but you should get help for it. Otherwise you are being self destructive and that's not fair on your child or dH.

PND and post natal anxiety often come together. Just because you've been diagnosed with one doesn't mean you don't have the other. Even if you don't have PND all the same advice still holds regarding seeing a GP. You are obviously still suffering.

If I posted here “you’re right, none of that can be fixed, just accept your life is shit now.” You (and others) would be outraged and tell me that’s nonsense. Because of course your life can be fixed! Maybe not immediately, they will all take time, planning and effort but they absolutely can be changed. Start with one thing at a time. In your shoes I would start with exercise. It will have an amazing impact on your mental health and how you feel about yourself.

@Feelingconfused2020

Are you the lady who hates herself because she had the AZ vaccine because of being overweight

I had my vaccine because of my job, not because of my weight.
I work in a hospital but I’m in admin.

You need to get help with your anxiety. It's clearly bad if you are too afraid to get the 2nd vaccine (did you respond badly to the first?) and are avoiding the hairdressers (they do patch tests for a reason)

@user1471457751

You need to get help with your anxiety. It's clearly bad if you are too afraid to get the 2nd vaccine (did you respond badly to the first?) and are avoiding the hairdressers (they do patch tests for a reason)

@user1471457751

I really don’t know what is wrong with me.

I’ve stopped eating nuts because I’m convinced I might be allergic to those too.

In the most gently way possible, you are really catastrophicalising your life (I know that’s not a word, but it’s what I wanted to say).

Yes it’s shit, but your not doomed. There are answers to some of your problems but you are just not seeing them because your blinding yourself.

For instance- the hair dresser problem, you’ve already decided your allergic to hair dye before even going for the test. Maybe they have different types, maybe your not even allergic.

Take some small steps and the rest of the body will follow.

Your GP will be the only one who can tell you what exactly you have, but there's nothing to be ashamed of.

It's sad but you know it's unfortunately very common to feel that low, in despair about your appearance, fighting with your husband. You are mainly exhausted. It WILL get better, but please start doing something about it.

I especially picked up on the hairdresser bit too.

See your GP

@avaya08 ah ok. There was a woman posting at the weekend who was scared of getting her second jab. She was about your age and had out on weight since her baby and got the jab early because she was obese. It just shows you how common these things are.

I am still 2 stone heavier than I was pre babies but I'm not depressed or anxious anymore due to a combination of medication, CBT, counselling and exercise. I think exercise might honestly be the biggest factor. Please see your GP and look at how you can incorporate some exercise into your daily like. Whether it's anxiety, depression or something else it's entirely fixable.

This sounds very, very much like depression, possibly with comorbid anxiety.

Go and see your GP. They can offer you medication and support. Medication in particular can get you to the point where taking steps to make your life practically better - and there are practical things that can be done in every area you mention - becomes much, much more doable.

You have anxiety but also sounds like you have depression. I also have PND and anxiety so can relate to a lot of this.

Don’t kick yourself in the arse too much. You’re getting up and going to work even though you hate it. You haven’t laid down and totally given up on life which is great. I want to reassure you that most Mum’s at baby groups are just regular people, it’s rare any of them look like supermodels so you won’t stand out and nobody will stare at you like you’re a monster. 3 stone isn’t a massive amount, you can lose that in a year just through eating healthily and exercising which I know is a slog when you’re already depressed.

You need counselling and perhaps anti-depressants. The second vaccine is necessary, you’ve had the first one so I’m not really understanding why you’re afraid to have the second dose? It’s already in your system now, you may as well have the second lot.

Your DH needs to be more supportive by the sound of things too so try speaking to him, it just sounds like you’re both experiencing a communication breakdown tbh. You will get through this fwiw, you won’t always feel this way. Having a baby wreaks havoc with your hormones so depression and anxiety are totally normal results.

If you work in an NHS hospital, you should be able to access a few sessions of counselling from the hospital counsellor. It will be entirely confidential and your employer won't be told. Look it up on the intranet at work.
Book a hair appointment even if it's just for a cut and try to have the second covid jab soon.
Your baby will love you whatever you look like and other mums often feel the same as you about their appearance and are just as longing for company.

You need to go back to gp. My trust has a helpline for nhs workers. I'd also call occupational health.

I know you've have cbt, but it's clearly not enough because these thoughts you're having aren't rational. You need to get more help so you can get a better perspective. Your life absolutely can be fixed. Some of these issues are purely to do with how your brain is (mal)functioning right now, others can be sorted when you're feeling better. You need to get more help, very likely medication and definitely some counselling, and then get your hair colour and jab booked before making any bigger decisions about your work. Please take care and be kind to yourself.

Try to tackle the things you are anxious about one at a time. Make a list. Tick them off. I find it helps to see progress. Have the vaccine.

Book a hair appointment. If you can’t face a colour just book a cut. You will still feel better for it. Remember hairdressers do a patch test and you could ask for another even if you have has one before just to be extra safe. I have a hair app booked for tomorrow. My first since 2019 because of covid. I have had both vaccines so am feeling a little safer. I am still not ready to spend 3-4 hours in there so I have am just going for a cut and blow dry. I will book another appointment for a colour in a few weeks while I am there.

Try and get out for a walk every day, no matter what. The weight will come off when you are ready to tackle it. Lots of women are overweight and you will meet them if you go to a baby group. It isn’t just you, I promise. Take it one step at a time. Please talk to your GP.

You have got this. Life will get better. This is just a phase that will pass.

Sending you unmumsnetty hugs.