To feel ashamed that I'm struggling

[Lagomtransplant]

Before I start, I KNOW that there are far worse things in the world, I KNOW people are struggling and losing their loved ones... I know.

But... I feel like I'm just existing. I get up, make myself Zoom presentable, tidy up, work, go for a walk if it's anything but pelting down or hop on my stationary bike if it is. Grab a shower, eat something, Netflix and sleep. That's it. I'll do my laundry at the weekend, go for a nearby hike or potter around the garden.

I lost something in life and I'm not sure what it is. My house is tidy, but I have no impetus to DIY, I do my work, but I struggle with zoning out, I hand in all the projects on time, but they definitely aren't my best work ever. Sometimes it seems like I do them for the paycheck to keep the wolf away from the door and that's it. I used to really enjoy it.

I'm not really enjoying anything. DH had cancer (knock on wood that's over) so I have to be extra careful with covid. It affected our TTC, so that's on hold too (we need IVF due to his chemo). I've accepted a lower level job in the restructuring due to covid, which starts in September, which I accepted and understand the situation, but it still peeves me off. I haven't seen my parents, my sister or either of my best friends for 2 years (they live abroad).

It's just aaaah...!!! Is this it? Get up, tidy, work, workout, restream, sleep. Just... when did I exactly sign up for this?

Rant over. I know plenty of you have it much worse and hat off to you. I'm sorry, I just needed to yell somewhere.

It sounds like you've had a tough time OP, cancer is hard to deal with. I'm glad her DH is in remission but it must have been pretty scary. Add covid and lockdown to this and I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed. I think many people are feeling depressed at the moment, all the fun and flavour of life has been sucked away, plus it won't fucking stop raining!

Have you considered some counselling? To talk though your DH's illness and treatment. I'm wondering if there is a charity to help families/partners of cancer patients? Or see your GP to see if they can sign post you. You may find a course of antidepressants helpful?

*your DH

Everything sounds generally a bit shit. No wonder you’re not bothered about work when it sounds like you’ve been shafted. Perhaps now is the time to sit back and take stock of what you really want out of life and go from there?

@fruitbrewhaha

I am scared that, if IVF doesn't work and we end up applying for adoption, having something like that on my record will prevent that from happening so I just carry on on my own.

@BeetyAxe

I don't really feel shafted, boss has been brilliant throughout this, but the company suffered and I am lucky that I get to have a job in the first place. I just wish I could just click in the zone when I'm working. Right now, I procrastinate like a pro and it affects the quality of my work which then annoys me more and so on in circles 🙄

Sorry to hear that you’ve lost your mojo. I don’t think you’re alone, sadly, this year has taken a lot from us all, but in your case with your DH’s illness and your family abroad it’s no wonder you’re struggling.

Could you try and pencil in some new hobbies instead of the walk/bike/Netflix? That might shake things up a bit! Try climbing or weights or something creative to satisfy your soul.

The restructuring at work may be helpful if you do become pregnant (or have children another way if that’s not possible) so maybe this is a case of silver linings, setting up your life to be more family friendly.

Sorry to be the bearer of “helpful suggestions” - I know it’s annoying when you just want to wallow, but if you can change one little thing, or adjust your attitude to things it sometimes has a knock on effect in lighting a fire under everything else! But Obvs feel free to ignore this and just have a little wallow in feeling shit - that helps too .

Let’s hope the travel restrictions will be lifted soon and you’ll get to spend time with your loved ones.

You sound really down.

Having counselling in the past won't affect your chances of adopting. In fact, being able to demonstrate that you know how to ask for help when you need it will count in your favour. They don't want a plastic parent who is pretending that everything is fine. They want real people who are emotionally available to themselves and to others.

[quote Lagomtransplant]@fruitbrewhaha

I am scared that, if IVF doesn't work and we end up applying for adoption, having something like that on my record will prevent that from happening so I just carry on on my own.[/quote]
Please don’t feel that way. Seeking help for a problem is a strength not a weakness. So many people have struggled with the events of the last 15 months it’s absolutely normal to be down/ depressed about it all.

Please talk to your DH, friends or your GP and consider ways to improve things. For myself I think an improvement in the weather will help. Planning small things to look forward to, small treats, some exercise you actually enjoy. You might just need a listening ear, some therapy or medication but struggling on alone isn’t the way to go.

Best wishes.

I suppose so... @MarkRuffaloCrumble hit the nail on the head with losing my mojo.

Another part of me feels guilty for asking help from GP, what with their hands being full. I mean, I'm not in the acute emergency and so many people are.

Tbh though I’m not sure what your GP will do to help. Yes they can offer you ADs but when you’ve had a year like yours, depression isn’t an illness that needs medicating, it’s a legitimate response to some shitty stuff! ADs are given out so freely (I’ve had them prescribed 4 times in my life, DS has had them too) but they don’t fix anything, they just numb you to it all. I’m not saying don’t have them, but I just feel like they’re treated as the answer to everything, when in fact there’s nothing inherently wrong with feeling like you do, it’s natural and expected.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It does sound like you have had quite a lot to deal with and this has been compounded by life being a bit flat and lack of family support. Do you have to wfh? Would it help to go back into the office (if you work in one) for a bit?

Please don’t struggle on. I’m an adoptive mum and with everything you’ve got on your plate nobody would judge you for seeking external support. It will be seen as a strength. Many adoptive parents seek counselling after going through IVF and other losses...sometimes the social workers will insist on some counselling. Good luck with everything.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble you're absolutely right. The problem is how numb I feel, I really don't want to compound it with AD.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast nope, it's not an option, as it would put my DH at risk.

@Whatthechicken it's actually a relief to hear that. I will look into it.

If you do decide on counselling or something, re-frame it...it’s not because you are not coping, you are building in more resilience.

I'm just here to send this:

The fact that your DH is cancer free is amazing! Please focus on that and trust that it will all be okay! Wishing you all the best!

Hi op, sorry you're feeling this way.
I'm not a medical professional but it sounds as though you're depressed?

You've been through a lot, maybe it's time to focus on yourself.

Is there anything you'd love to do to help you feel better? Random examples:

Holiday
City Break
Cinema
Meal out
New clothes
Adopt a pet