Would you stay friends?

[Kitchendisco73]

Long term friend of over 20 years. When I had my kids, she was still single and was massively critical on all counts of my life. Criticised my parenting, had a go at me for making new 'mum' friends and not giving her the same amount of time, had a go at me for cancelling nights out when my kids were ill, judged me working while having kids etc etc, used to ring me at tricky times like meal times and then get cross for not prioritising her call.

Looking back I think its because she was envious and wanted kids and I did really try to continue to be there despite having a lot on my plate.

She is now pregnant with her first and has been an absolute nightmare! With no irony at all has cancelled plans because she is too tired and pregnant, has pretty much ghosted me for months, has been a proper princess over being pregnant, I can't ring at certain times etc. She hasn't even had the baby yet either!!

Aibu for obviously feeling amused by her behaviour but on the flip side I am also offended that she was SO critical of me for so long! When I think back now to some of the things she said to me, I do feel now that I really can't be arsed!

I would be reminding her about her previous behaviour!

Not entirely sure why you’re still friends with her, she sounds like an absolute nightmare.

@acupofcamus I guess its longevity. We did used to be really close but I do feel like the rose tinted glasses have been taken off in recent months by her lack of self awareness and inability to see or understand what it was like for me with 2 young kids and how tired I might have been etc.

Wow!😀 why waste your time on someone who only sees herself in the world?you don't need this and once the baby is born she won't be any different.time to move away from this negativity.

Wouldn’t have stayed friends after she was so critical before

No I would not stay friends. In my experience there are two types of people. Those who outsource their unhappiness and lay it on their friends. And those who try hard not to do that. I stay away from first kind as I'm a people pleaser!

@lalamo I think I am a bit of a people pleaser too actually and have tried too hard to keep the peace. I even blamed myself after she accused me of stuff for being a crap friend when actually the lights have been switched on a bit now and I don’t think it is me

Just because you were good friends once a long time ago that doesn't mean you have to stay friends forever more

She doesn't sound like a very nice person

@Kitchendisco73 yeah I can really relate to this. My default is to think I've done something wrong (low self esteem) and it was only when I met DH that I realised that actually I am worthy of decent treatment. It's v liberating!

I think friendships change throughout big life events, I’ve certainly seen huge changes in mine and whilst it’s not been easy, I’ve learnt to let go of the guilt and my own selfish thoughts I had.

I’m pregnant with my first, and I’m late to the party, a lot of my friends started their families 7-8 years ago and I was super critical (internally never directly to them!) if plans got cancelled because they were tired and/or because of the children but I learnt that it’s just a new way of friendship. I just didn’t understand the tiredness (how can you be that tired kind of thing - oh so naive!) Instead of planning dinners out, we moved to brunches and/or walks in the park kind of thing and I learnt that I had to move with them, and that was fine, it’s just a new chapter! Plus who doesn’t want a baby cuddle and then to hand it back once it pukes!

I’m now pregnant with my first and oh my god the exhaustion - I cannot comprehend. I feel so awful for my grumblings (again in my own head!) when they cancelled back then, as I can barely get out of bed some days, let alone go for dinner! I’m on day 2 of being laid up due to nausea/severe headaches and I honestly have so much respect for my friends who did this twice!

I’ve also found since being pregnant a couple of friendships have fallen off as I was the go to go out person, always up for drinks/dinners and hosting (having no kids, a spare room and being a £10 taxi ride to a big city I was basically a hotel!) and it’s really shown that some people aren’t ready to give up their party lifestyle and that’s also OK! They’ll come back around when they are ready, and if not I’m lucky enough to have a pool of support (thank you super sociable husband!)

I certainly would be reminding said friend of behaviours when you were pregnant but if you don’t want to lose the friendship could it be done in a friendly way? ‘Oh gosh this is so funny I remember being pregnant and you used to get so upset with me when I cancelled, hope you feel better soon - let’s go for coffee when you fancy it’ kind of thing? If however you feel the friendship isn’t there anymore, and it happens, we all move on in life, then be honest with yourself and her or you’ll just get yourself more frustrated as time goes on.

I spent a lot of time whinging to my hubby about said bad friends and he was like ok but why do you still make the effort then if you just moan about it X

Why would you be friends with someone who treated you like this? Life is too short. I'd phase her out.

Thanks for all your comments especially your perspective @Tilly18101 - - I think its added to my view that I kind of don't really want her in my life anymore!

Honestly, OP, your real problem is that you allowed a dynamic to continue for years where you seem to have been at her beck and call, and never challenged her unpleasant behaviour. You seem to think that this should have earned you the right to better behaviour from her now that she’s the one struggling with a pregnancy, but that makes no sense, as you surely realise — she’s used to you being her uncomplaining punchbag, so sees no reason why that wouldn’t continue.

The question isn’t ‘Should I stay friends with her now?’ but ‘Why did I ever allow this unpleasant relationship to last so long?’

@BinocularVision yea, it’s true. I did challenge her once last year and she did that classic ‘I’m sorry you feel...’ slightly passive aggressive Priti Patel style gaslighting reply! She does seem to have an issue taking responsibility for her actions too