So this is going to be a long backstory, sorry in advance.
My parents split when I was very young, and for various reasons my little sister and I lived with my Dad, and saw my mum and half siblings on weekends/school holidays. My father married my stepmother who over the years was abusive emotionally and sometimes physically. My Dad turned a blind eye, and I think felt that his job was to provide and my stepmother was there to do everything with us kids and in the home, and so was absent emotionally and turned a blind eye to what she was doing.
My mother on the other hand also remarried, and my stepfather is the kindest, loving man who I also call Dad. I moved in with my mum at 16, went to college, then moved 2 hours away to uni where I have remained ever since.
In my early 20s, I had two children very close together and got engaged to their father. We wanted a small wedding, due to cost. My father was in and out of my life, as I was no contact with my stepmother, but given I was a young adult living 2 hours away, there was little she could do to me. To cut a long story short, when it came to booking the wedding and planning, my father insisted on paying for a venue and doing the whole father of the bride duty thing, also inviting lots of his friends along. Money has always been his way of keeping control of my stepmother/and his kids. I was young, naive and although I felt a strong bond with my stepfather, he didn’t feel he could step on my dads toes, and I just didn’t know how to say no (I still don’t). My stepmother attended, and it was civil (we hardly spoke) but when the wedding was over, despite my best attempts, his interest fizzled out. He went back to being in and out of my life again. Anyway, my marriage lasted 5 months, very amicable and we co parent really well and have done ever since.
Fast forward, life is very different. I am engaged to my fiancé, we have a 1 year old together. Him, my ex husband and I all get along well. I still live hours away from my family. Financially we are secure, settled and doing the normal run of the mill stuff.
My father has barely spoken to me since before lockdown. It was very on and off after the wedding, there would just be long periods of ignoring my texts or calls, then calling me as if it hadn’t been months of no contact. I haven’t seen/spoken to my stepmother since my first wedding. After repeated attempts to make contact when my third baby was born and getting ignored, I finally just realised that we weren’t ever going to have that relationship I had with my stepfather (who has and always is regularly in my life, a doting grandfather etc). So I stopped trying.
Now for the AIBU?
My partner proposed a month ago, and we are having an intimate wedding in 2023, of 40 guests. The news got back to my dad (through my sister) who suddenly got back in touch, and congratulated me by saying he’ll do a better job with the father of the bride speech. The fact is, we have saved and we’re paying for this wedding ourselves and I want my stepfather, who is a constant rock in my life to walk me down the aisle. The problem is when he phones/messages, I go from being an independent mother of three, to a little girl who is scared. Whilst I don’t want to drag up the past, he doesn’t understand why we don’t want anything to do with our stepmother and feels we (my sister and I) are constantly unreasonable for being NC.
The truth is, I would have him there but not as part of the wedding, and not with my stepmother. I also understand he won’t come without her. If he didn’t come at all, I wouldn’t mind either. My stepfather has been everything I didn’t get with my father emotionally.
AIBU, to not have him involved in my wedding and to only invite him, and not my stepmother, knowing he’ll be offended and not come at all?
If you got this far, thank you xx