I know AIBU but how do I help DD to adjust and adapt

[Waitinginmycar]

Name changed for this.

Basically the pandemic and a lot of other things have turned out lives upside down and we are finding ourselves in new, and not that great circumstances. Long story short we can no longer afford to educate DD privately. She worked incredibly hard in her 11+ and got a place in her dream school and today we had to tell her that she won’t be going. She is heartbroken especially since she put in all that effort.

The state school she will be going to is unchartered territory, it’s ranked outstanding which is amazing however there is apparently a bit of a gang culture at the school (someone put me in touch with a parent at the school). My DD is quiet, shy, and not street smart at all, so I’m a bit worried. Previous school is nothing like this, it’s a complete bubble socially speaking so this will be a change. I attended a state school myself with a very mixed catchment area so I think I know a thing or two of what awaits, and I can say my DD is not ready for it. She can’t stand up for herself, it’s our mistake for having raised her like this.

How do I make this ok for her? First of all how can I help her deal with the disappointment of having worked hard for her goal, which she achieved, only to have the opportunity removed? How do I prepare her for her new school?

I take it you’ve looked into scholarship opportunities?

Is anyone from her primary going to the school? Local youth clubs to meet people she will be going to school with.

She’ll be OK - it might be a bit of an adjustment but kids are adaptable. And the school is excellent if it’s got such a high rating. What do you mean by ‘gang culture’ exactly?

Keep in mind state school In the 90s is verrrrry different to now. When I was in school I remember girls smoking in the back of the classroom, I’m a teacher in an inner London deprived area now and that would just never ever happen now a days. Things have greatly improved in state education. Try not to worry and put your stress on her, if a problem occurs then deal with it then, don’t create problems before she even starts.

An outstanding rated school with an actual gang problem? What did Ofsted say about it?

Do you think it's possible that your own disappointment and emotions are clouding your assessment of the situation? Especially if this is the result of other more upsetting things going on/having happened in your life. It would be understandable If distress about those things was leaching into this situation and making it feel worse than it is.

If you're weeping and wringing your hands about the terrible calamity that this is then your daughter will pick up on these feelings and mirror them herself. Ultimately you're still talking about an outstanding rated school here!

You all need to keep that in perspective - there's been some disappointment and it's ok to have feelings about that but it's not the end of the world and all of you need to be able to pick yourselves up.

Make a plan. Find out about the school. The things to get ready, uniform, journeys, after school clubs, anybody she will know, the subjects she'll do... Treat it like an adventure to plan for not a disaster to mourn.

Taking control - even if in small ways - will help all of you feel better.

Speak to the school, would a scholarship be a possibility? How disappointing for her. I have a daughter similar to yours, quiet etc and I worry about her starting secondary school.

She'll be fine at an outstanding school.
Plenty of private schools with gang cultures. Look at the rape cultures that have recently been reported at many famous private schools.

Gang culture in schools implies knife and drug crime. I've worked in schools that have a gang culture and this was a weekly occurrence. I've also worked in schools that has been perceived to have a gang culture when in fact its just a group of teenagers wanting to think they're something they're not, in which case I wouldn't be concerned

OP I'm afraid we all have to accept that shit happens in life, and when it does you can go two ways, you can let it break you, or let it make you stronger. As user1632477324668886543 said, you lead the way your child reacts to this situation, if you just explain to DD that things have changed, but the school she's going to go to now has a great rating, and she is clever enough to do really well wherever she goes, then she won't feel so bad about it, but if you make out like its an absolute disaster, then not only will she feel the same way, but will probably be even more scared of starting at the new school.

Then if there are problems later, you can face them then, but please for your DD's sake, don't make out like going to a good state school is some sort of tragedy, if the school had terrible reports it would be different, but at least wait until you see for yourself what it's like.

I doubt a school with an outstanding report has a proper gang problem, probably more accurately a few kids who’s nans bought them a north face for Christmas and now they think they’re roadmen. Bit tragic but nothing to be worried about.

How she reacts will depend on you, if you are super enthusiastic and excited she’ll pick up on that too.

@lastqueenofscotland

I doubt a school with an outstanding report has a proper gang problem, probably more accurately a few kids who’s nans bought them a north face for Christmas and now they think they’re roadmen. Bit tragic but nothing to be worried about.

How she reacts will depend on you, if you are super enthusiastic and excited she’ll pick up on that too.

Ha - yep! Although where I live the most desirable state secondary appears to have awful pastoral care and a big bullying problem. The less desirable one (where my DC and nieces go) has managed to generate a fantastic community spirit.

I agree with PP - don't make a big deal of it for your DD. Of course it's massively disappointing not to be going where she thought after she worked so hard, but that hard work isn't wasted at all. It stands her in excellent stead to do well at whatever school she attends next. There is no reason to think she won't excel academically at a state school, and she might also learn some street smarts which will almost certainly benefit her as much as a dozen grade 9 GCSEs!