To have lost hope

[AzureHawker2]

I have been feeling really depressed and unmotivated to do anything at all recently and I’ve realised it because for the fist time ever I’ve lost hope that my life will ever get any better.

I’m 36 and have 3dc, I left school at 16 and wasted years of my life drinking and taking drugs. I met my ex partner and fell pregnant with dc1, immediately stopped partying lifestyle and started growing up, eventually had 2 more dc. My ex never wanted me to work as he ran his own business and it was easier if I stayed home to look after the kids. He promised he could support us all, that we would save up for a house and eventually get out of the horrible tiny, damp council house we live in. For years I believed him, dutifully lived frugally thinking we were saving up for a deposit and one day we’d have a house of our own and a better quality of life. It turned out he wasn’t actually making any money and running up thousands and thousands of pounds of debt.
I decided I needed to take control of my own life and started an access course with the aim of eventually getting a degree, 6 years later with a break for an unplanned pregnancy in the middle I am 1 year away from finishing my degree. After realising how much of a controlling liar my ex was we spilt split up this year.

So now I’m 36, single, living off UC in a council house with 3dc. My whole life I’ve always had this hope that things will be better, that I still have time to fix the mess that I made of my life when I was a teenager. Since my first dc was born 12 years ago I’ve been certain that we would have a proper home one day, a house where we could have friends and family over without being ashamed. Since I started studying I have always believed that one day I would have a career that I enjoyed and earn a decent living so I could support us and give us the quality of life I think my kids deserve.

Now I realise that I’m an idiot, I’m too old. Even if I finish my degree I’m never going to be able to buy a house on my own, it’s highly unlikely that I would ever even get a job that pays enough for us to move into a private rent in this area, my kids are older now and this is all they’ve ever known. Whats the point in trying to change things now when they will be grown up and gone in a few years. I feel like I’ve failed them so badly.

Am I unreasonable to think that it’s too late to turn things around now?

Dear Op I couldn't read this without responding. You haven't failed your DC, you may not realise it but you are doing really well. Honestly you should be really proud of yourself...you have dealt with a betrayal/relationship break up and still cared for your DC and worked towards your degree. And that's before you even start factoring in the year we have all had, which is bound to have taken its toll as well.

I think you are being hard on yourself, many many people go off the rails for a while when they are young and get back on track later. I was one of them....had really difficult teens and 20s then life started to get better. I certainly don't dwell or feel guilty now about the mistakes I made when I was younger.

Don't give up on your degree if you can help it, try to complete it as one thing will lead to another. Just keep on doing what you are doing. It can take time to see the rewards but I am sure they will come to you and things will get better. And 36 is BTW really young.

You're a grafter, you've done really well to get back on track and (nearly) get your degree. You've another 32 years to retirement; that's ages. Finish the degree, start talking to your uni careers service. Being a good mum isn't about how much you earn or what sort of house you live in - don't feel you have to rush into full-time work, while they're still relatively young. Maybe you'll be able to help them out financially when they're young adults, even if you've had to be frugal through their childhoods.

I agree with PP. You've got past addiction, booted out your rubbish ex and you're doing a degree. That's amazing! I think perhaps you feel like when you had someone else things were more achievable than you doing it alone. In reality you probably had to make lots of sacrifices and compromises for your ex and it sounds like he was holding you back. You are doing really well.

Op, you’ve done so well to get to where you are now. Look at what you’ve achieved rather than what you’ve not-3 lovely children, had the strength to walk away from a bad relationship and well on the way to getting a degree. Your setting a good example for your children by studying and working hard. You never know what’s round the corner and what opportunities will come your way, life can change very quickly so don’t give up

I rarely comment but had to. It is not too late. Look at you, 1 year away from finishing. Finish it and you don't know what possibilities will open up for you. If nothing else you have shown your kids that you have worked hard and I think that is a fantastic lesson for you to give them.
Plus you are doing all of this without your ex getting in the way and making things harder.
Don't give up. We all have regrets. I had my first child at 38 and second at 40. I wish I could minus 10 years off my age and had done it earlier so I was younger, fitter and be around longer for them. But I can't. We just have to remember we have loads to give and you really do have. What I'd give to be 36 again, you can change so much about your future. Be proud of yourself and enjoy what's to come, because they will definitely be better days for you and your family.

You're an absolute credit @AzureHawker2 - no you have not left it too late! Imagine life if you were still with your ex for one!

Thank you all so much for you comments, I don’t know why I’m feeling so defeated all of a sudden. I think it’s probably ending my relationship and realising I’ve left it too late to buy a house especially on my own. My whole drive for years has been the desire to own my own home. All the years I thought my ex wanted it too and we were working for the same goal but it turned out to be a lie.

I need to find the motivation to finish my uni work for the semester and it’s hard feeling like I’m not actually working towards anything but I suppose I have to try and get my head round to the degree being an achievement in itself and worrying about what happens after that later.

No, you're not too old. I wish I'd listened when people told me that when I felt the same at your age. IF I had listened and been more proactive, instead of grieving the relationship & future I had planned my life would be very different now.

Please realise that at 36, with a degree you're only a year away from finishing & 3 wonderful kids, you're not actually in a 'bad place' in life at all.

My ex and my inability to get past everything means at 53 I'm living in a flat & have no kids. I now have health issues too so my plans to keep travelling are fucked too (even before Covid).

If I can't be an example, let me be a lesson!

Finish your degree (what's it in?), enjoy your kids & work on building a giid future for yourself and being a brilliant example to them!! Do the things that get your adrenalin pumping & bring you joy, don't waste any time or goid health feeling 'past it' at 36 💐

I was 40 when I bought this. It's just a flat (no bloody garden) it's in the suburbs, (would have preferred london but couldn't afford Wimbledon/Putney where I wanted to buy) but is mine, the mortgage is affordable and no one can 'give me notice'. Stay motivated & you will be able to buy somewhere. Even if it's not your dream house. I bought the flat after living in a huge, beautiful house in london. I didn't own it, but it was mine through work, the flat could fit in the kitchen of that house 🤪

I could bore you for hours..🤪🤪

Make the most of your health & energy and GO KICK ARSE!!!!

OP I think you are incredible! What a role model to your children, to never stop trying!

It’s not too late, the amount of determination and hardwork you’ve put In to even go to Uni later in life and with children cannot be understated. Any employer worth their salt will recognise that!

I think we have a bit of a myth in this country that you have to have your life mapped out by 25/30. But that’s not real. It’s never too late! Xx

Things aren’t over for you, they’re only just beginning. Once you get a decent job you can make improvements to your house. It may be council, it may not be exactly what you want, but you can make it nice (I’m in SH too and I’ve done loads to my place).

I had DC before I got my degree. They have said to me more than once that it really inspired them and made them believe it was achievable in their own lives. You are setting a brilliant example to your DC about what people can achieve when they try.

A few years after starting work I was able to take DC on holiday to Japan, they’d always yearned to go there. I actually think that being older they got a lot more out of it than they would have done were they younger. My DS in fact even went on to get a Japanese degree and work there!

Owning a house isn’t the be all and end all. Could you exchange? If the damps still an issue get the council to sort it and if they won’t, get a housing solicitor involved, many do no win no fee. I recently had to do that myself due to a leaking roof that wasn’t fixed. Then once you’re earning you can decorate, buy nice accessories etc. I certainly wouldn’t give up a secure tenancy to go into private rental.

You’ve done so well to get to this point and it absolutely wasn’t a waste of time. You will reap the rewards of your hard work. Maybe not in the way you planned/hoped, but you still have a lot of life left ahead of you.

I am in a similar position - single, 3DC, almost 35, about to start final year of degree. I had to move out of my shitty council house into a shitty private rent triple the fucking price so I could attend my University (STEM).

It feels never ending and pointless at times, I doubt I’ll earn enough to save for a mortgage whilst paying crippling rent along with house prices are rising the way they are.

I’m having to take it one day at a time, PTSD has flared up (in the middle of exams, brilliant) and if think more than 24 hours a day things seem bleak beyond repair.

My friend drifted after school, had two children with her husband, both on benefits. He left her, she moved in with family, no job...

Ten years later, at the age of 50, she has a degree, is just finishing her teacher training, and has a good job lined up.

Most importantly, she is happy that she has achieved this.

It's definitely not too late for you, you should be proud of what you have achieved!

Firstly, as a nation we seem to have an odd obsession with achieving milestones by certain ages. Someone pointed this out to me when I was in another country and fed up that I was single and childless at 32, having split with my partner of 10 years, and meeting lots of rubbish men.
I also think that actually having had 3 children means that when you start work you could, if you want, commit fully to building your career without the distraction of mat leave later on. I remember reading Madeline Albright's autobiography and discovering that the first female US secretary of state didn't properly start her career until she was 39 and her children were late teens/young adults. So it's definitely not too late for you. And once you have a job getting a house will seem much more achievable.