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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Irrational or understandable

28 replies

dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 13:21

I post some months ago about my boyfriend following an artist on social media.
She paints stunning oils on canvas and at times photography. It is a business of hers based in Asia. Now and again, she will post paintings of herself or commissions , nude. More silhouettes than full frontal paintings and he will often like them. He also likes her paintings and photography of the landscape and others .
I was upset months ago because she commented on one of the semi nude paintings by simply saying ... stunning !
I can't find the post as I've changed all my details on here due to new phone/ no back up but I vaguely remember being told I was being ridiculous by approx 90% of posters.
I told him I was upset , that I understood that I was being irrational but was sensitive due to being cheated on by my husband for possibly years and was a little untrusting and paranoid . He said he understood but that he enjoyed her art, which he is into anyway - has many artists that he follows - but would be sensitive . He has been but recently likes a new nude silhouette of her . I am
Hurt . Am I being irrational or is this understandable . It's hard to trust myself sometimes.
Otherwise relationship is incredible and we are both as committed and in love as each other with plans for the future .
Thanks for reading .

OP posts:
huntinghigh · 23/05/2021 13:30

She is an artist, and he follows a number of artists, occasionally commenting on their work.

I see nothing wrong with this. I would not stay with a bf who tried to tell me what I could like on sm.

Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 13:32

I didn't say that to him . I told him that I knew I was being irrational but felt hurt .
She has a beautiful face and body that I certainly don't have .

OP posts:
Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 13:34

Thanks@huntinghigh

OP posts:
NaughtyButNice · 23/05/2021 13:42

Would it upset you if it was an unknown person in the silhouette or are you more upset because you feel he is complementing an artist on their work and their figure?

Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 13:47

The irrational part of me says it's because she is beautiful and has a great body . The rational part understands that to admire a painting like that is normal and also that he loves art and photography as a rule. Maybe my past has something to do with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 13:49

It's simply a silhouette of the side profile of a nude woman , the artist herself ... thousands of miles away ..

OP posts:
Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 13:58

Any other opinions please?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/05/2021 14:01

Yes, irrational. Sorry.

Man who appreciates art online enjoys nude portrait.

He’s not secretly messaging her inappropriately, saying how hot she is, he’s just clicking like on a publicly posted artwork.

Soubriquet · 23/05/2021 14:03

Yeah you’re being irrational

He’s liking a painting from a woman who is in another country.

BillyIsMyBunny · 23/05/2021 14:07

Irrational/ unreasonable. You say he likes art and photography etc and that he follows lots of artists including other styles of this artists work, it’s not like he’s only following artists who post nudes. It’s fairly normal to click ‘like’ in response to someone you follow posting a new photograph/ picture on social media so I think you are reading far too much into it.

I’d also say it’s normal to find other people attractive even when in a relationship but that doesn’t mean he wants to act on it, also things like a ‘beautiful face and body’ are completely subjective and just because you are comparing yourself to this artist doesn’t mean he is comparing her to you or that he agrees she is more beautiful.

It sounds like the issues here are your own paranoia, low self esteem and lack of trust in your partner and not his behaviour. Did you ever have counselling or therapy after being cheated on to try and work through these issues? If not I think you need to as otherwise you are likely to cause issues in the relationship out of things that are not really there.

Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 14:18

Thanks . Yes I've had counselling . I was very shocked that my husband could do what he did all the time lying to me. I'm glad I posted as it really affected my mood today .

OP posts:
Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 14:19

I have no reason not to trust him. He and I are committed to each other in equal measure as far as I can see .

OP posts:
HoboSexualOnslow · 23/05/2021 14:45

People are allowed to like different body shapes even if it is different from their spouses. So i think you're being unreasonable. He commented on art. It sounds like you do have trust issues

Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 14:50

You're correct @HoboSexualOnslow .

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2021 14:54

How do you even know every picture he likes? It doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship tbh

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/05/2021 14:57

@SleepingStandingUp

How do you even know every picture he likes? It doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship tbh
Unfortunately I agree.

It may be better to first get over what happened to you and find peace. This is verging on controlling and I would never tolerate that from my partner.

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2021 14:57

You’re unreasonable
I wouldn’t stay with someone who thought they could tell me what I can and can’t look at online

Sparklesocks · 23/05/2021 14:58

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong personally. It might be better for your stress levels if you stop checking her account/posts to see if he’s commented as clearly it upsets you.

Prem7979 · 23/05/2021 14:59

You're allowed to feel how you feel.

But I don't think he's done anything wrong.

It's not his fault your ex cheated on you, and it's not his fault you have trust issues. It's not his job to fix you, that's your job.

You'll end up pushing him away if you allow yourself to cause issues with him over something like this.

KarmaStar · 23/05/2021 15:06

Yes it is irrational and maybe working on your self esteem might help?he is with you ,not her,not anybody else.don't drive him away by control!ing his admiration for art.Try to enjoy it with him by seeing the art in it rather than as a sexual painting .

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2021 15:07

Op I’m sorry but it’s still as irrational as it was the last time you asked.

katy1213 · 23/05/2021 15:31

This is about as irrational as kicking off about him liking the Venus de Milo.

Original poster
dressingdowns · 23/05/2021 15:47

Thamksn @Bluntness100 , I'm
Sure you've read my thread months ago so I'm Glad for your feedback also.
It all points to
My self esteem doesn't it? I know I have trust issues but my counsellors told me that this is normal .

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/05/2021 15:54

I know I have trust issues but my counsellors told me that this is normal .

Did you tell him/her about basically stalking your partner's profile to see what he likes? Because if they said that's normal, you need to change the counselor. It's not normal and ot needs to be worked on

SchrodingersImmigrant · 23/05/2021 15:55

That sounded more aggressive than it should haveBlush

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