Having a wobble almost a year after going back to full time work

[ToucheEsplat]

I gave up full time work when my first dc was born 7 years ago and in the time in between, I retrained (still in the process of doing courses to unskilled even more) to an area that I love. I have worked part time in a freelance capacity since and had always planned to go back to work full time when my youngest dc (now aged 1) reached 4 and started school.

However, I got a job offer unexpectedly last summer and it was too good to refuse. The work was something I enjoyed, the money was decent and it is remote (even outside of covid) so ideally flexible with the kids etc. I wasn't looking for full time work at the time but the offer was so good that I would have struggled to find anything like it when I did decide to go back full time.

I've been working away since, and really enjoy the work, but the last few weeks I've really been having a wobble. Because I wfh I find it difficult to switch off from work during the week. I miss spending time with the kids and all I want to do at the weekend is do family activities, but instead need to spend a lot of time catching up on housework and other mundane stuff. Have looked into a cleaner but they're very expensive in my area. I'm also behind with coursework and it just feels like everything is building up.

Our childcare situation doesn't really help, because our nanny doesn't drive so I need to do school pickups which takes a chunk out of my day. We're working on fixing this but it's not something I can change quickly.

Most of all I just feel tired and burnt out. I long for some time to myself to just relax without work or housework hanging over me. We could manage on dhs salary but it would be tight, and we want to move to a bigger house in a year or 2 which wouldn't be possible without my salary. Also, this job is the best thing that could have happened for my career, and if I give that up, I'll be starting from scratch again in a few years. I don't have the option to go part time unfortunately.

Sorry for the self indulgent moan, I know there are many people out there in much worse situations. Not sure what I'm looking for with this thread, except maybe a handhold to say it'll get better/easier with time?

I think the lack of time to exercise is seriously affecting my mood too.

There's just not enough time for all the things I need to do!

Firstly, congratulations on securing the job! If I was you I would definitely employ a cleaner - it might be expensive but it will be a minor expense compared to giving up your job.

Thank you I know I need to find a cleaner but the last time I looked, prices were £3 an hour more expensive than what we pay our nanny Will look again.

Could you look for another solution instead of having the nanny (e.g. breakfast and after school clubs) and get a cleaner instead?

Could you and your DH talk about a different split of who-does-what (e..g he does one of the school runs)?

When mine were little I tried to look at all outsourcing costs (childcare, cleaner etc) as a job preservation exercise - so I really only had to break even because all I was doing was to make sure I didn't lose future earnings. Mine are teens now and I can report it does get gradually easier every year.

I would strongly recommend you "free" your weekends, to do stuff with the kids and for yourself. Your mental health might seem fine now but it's a delicate thing and you might get the bill for not looking after it three years down the line.

Good luck!

I'm afraid our school unfortunately doesn't do breakfast club or afterschool as its a tiny rural school. We did look into sending the kids to a childminder instead because without the kids here in the afternoons, there would be a lot less cleaning to do, but with 4 kids (1 of whom needs 9-5 care as they are only 1), childminder was a more expensive option than nanny.

It's reassuring to hear it does get easier though, I really need to look into outsourcing options for everything else.

It must be hard with 4 little ones but as someone who really struggles to get back into work on anything more then minimum wage I will strongly advise you to keep your job.
There is so many benefits to working full time like better pension, more chance of progression, more flexibility which might be impossible when you want to re - enter full time employment in the future.

Instead I would look into ways to manage your time better and getting as much help as possible, including from husband and children (7 year olds can tidy after themselves etc).

Also I appreciate everyone wants to save money but I'm a cleaner and it's bloody hard work and I get migraines from cleaning products. As a self employed I need to save for days my clients cancel, my holiday and sick days, transport plus my taxes, yet I can work maximum of 6h a day only.
Society somehow expects that services offered by women should be cheap but I think we need to rethink that.

Very similar circumstances here. Keep the job, hire the cleaner every 2 weeks for a few hours, look at the long term. My dh changed hours so he does drop off in morning then we do after school club 3 days and dh and I collect t one day each. We have a cleaner too- expensive but worth it as I love my job although I need to get the work home balance under control as work is taking over evenings and weekends at moment but I'm a teacher so know I can limp on until summer then we will do holiday club a few days whilst I work and I'll have then the rest of time. It's tough, get as organized as you can though x

It’s a tough life stage. It’s a great job from home so don’t drop it whatever you do, it will get easier. I think you have to do a real mind shift and spend some money to get some help - it will pay you back many times in the long run.

• get a cleaner once a week. It’s NOT negotiable. You cannot do everything. Do it now.

• make sure cooking, laundry, life admin, childcare is shared equally with DP according to the hours you work. It hardly ever is so take a long hard look at this and drop your standards - done is good enough. For cooking, batch cook at weekends and have a few Cook frozen family trays in the freezer.

• you can’t be doing two pick ups a day. No one can get a full days work done like that. Either a) DP needs to switch hours to do half or b) you need to hire someone to do PM pick ups while your nanny learns to drive - a local mum/grandad/granny be cheaper but you can use a local taxi company (don’t scream - it’s temporary.).

• making time for exercise is important for your health so sit down and brainstorm with DP (you want to sit down and discuss all this with him) how to do that, and also when you will get your study time. He may also have things he wants - if you are studying for a finite time try and negotiate childcare in your favour to cover this as it benefits you all.

These are probably the big things - but look at getting everything streamlined and automated - it makes a huge difference. Just keep looking at the big picture, and keep reminding yourself you have a FT job - you cannot do everything.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t get a cleaner just because they’re more expensive per hour than your nanny. Good cleaners are worth their weight in gold and it’s not like you’re paying them for as many hours as a nanny! Mine is £14 an hour and well worth it. Even if you just have them fortnightly it would deal with the big stuff and leave you with just the day to day wiping down and vacuuming etc.

You don’t mention your DH much in your post. Has he realised that since you’ve been back at work he needs to take on an equal share of the children, cooking, life admin etc? I suspect he’s used to you doing it all from when you were a SAHM and has just let you continue. Is he wfh some or all of the time too and if so why isn’t he doing some of the school drop offs and pick ups?

Yes dh has been great at picking up with the tidying and helping out with cooking thankfully. He was sharing pickups and drop-off too but started a new job recently and needs to be in the office so it's not possible for him to do them anymore

We are working on the fact that our nanny doesn't drive but it's not a quick fix unfortunately.

With the cleaning, part of the problem is that the kids are minded here in the house, so despite doing 20-30 mins of tidying a day, it still gets wrecked. Our nanny does her best, but obviously with 4 kids, her time is taken up with looking after them.

I am determined to find a cleaner but the last few I priced were looking for £15+ per hour which I thought was very expensive.