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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

8 year old not going to the toilet when he needs it

22 replies

Cupcakeschocolate · 23/05/2021 00:13

Ok, I'm at my wits end. My 8 year old son just won't go to the toilet when he needs to. It's usually because he is too involved in an activity like his games or talking to a friend. I'm worried he will damage his kidneys. He will frantically run to the loo and just make it in time. This evening however he didn't so I was having to clear it up. The bit I don't understand is he's not embarrassed by it! I thought by now he would be embarrassed and it wouldn't happen. There's definitely no health issues. Just laziness and Too engrossed in his activity. Dh (his dad) wants to take his laptop away for a week. But I don't think this will work as when he gets it back he will be even more engrossed as he didn't have it for a while. I've suggested better time limits. I regularly remind him to go to the loo. Especially when I can see he is uncomfortable. He will say he doesn't need it and then 5 minutes make a frantic dash or if I push enough he will go. I'm worried about him hurting his kidneys. This doesn't happen at school though! Only at home. Is there any way to make him understand this is not good for him? I did get quote angry with him this evening. And he looked quite sheepish but just didn't say anything. My 6 year old doesn't do this. So I don't understand it. Any advice please?

OP posts:

LawnFever · 23/05/2021 00:19

If being too engrossed in his laptop is causing part of the issue I agree with your DH, either take it away for a set amount of time, or limit the time he spends on it so it’s not long enough to make this kind of impact

Original poster

Cupcakeschocolate · 23/05/2021 00:25

Yes. I have taken it away now. The thing is it does happen other times too. It's not just solely the laptop. He's not on for hours or anything. Just when he is using it it's like he can't see anything else. Dh said a week. So obviously I backed him up and said yes. But I don't think it will fix it either. He's just not bothered. Do you think he will just grow out of it? I'm fed up of having to remind him to go to the loo many times a day. I worry if we are going out if there's not any toilets. I have to make sure he goes a few times before we leave. It gives me anxiety! That and I don't want him bullied. It doesn't happen at school that I know of. He still leaves it to the last minute but no accidents. I just thought by now this wouldn't be an issue. He's a very intelligent, funny and clever boy. So why can't he just go to the loo? He will sit there jigging and uncomfortable for ages. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it is!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakeschocolate · 23/05/2021 00:26

I have had chats with him about it. Told.him.its not good for hsi kidneys. Explained about infections. Etc. He thinks I'm making it up! Made him watch a YouTube video to show and he just doesn't care

OP posts:

GyozaPoser · 23/05/2021 00:39

For a start make him clear it up. He's 8 there's no reason he can't mop up his own mess.

Thelnebriati · 23/05/2021 00:41

Or give him a watch or gadget with an alarm function. That way, he learns he has to stop what he is doing and gets into the habit of going at regular intervals.

HopeClearwater · 23/05/2021 00:45

He won’t understand about kidneys (and I think you’re worrying needlessly there). Cleaning it up himself will definitely concentrate his mind on matters.

RightOnTheEdge · 23/05/2021 00:45

My 8 year old son is just the same. It drives me mad. I don't know why he holds it in, I've told him so many times to go when he needs it and stop waiting until the last minute.
If he's jiggling around I say "do you need the toilet?" and he says "no' and then 5 minutes later he's running to the bathroom!
He's always been like this though.

Musication · 23/05/2021 00:49

I have an 8 year old and I'd be pretty cross if she was doing this to the point of having an accident.
I agree with your DH take away the computer for a bit until his concentration improves.

Notashandyta · 23/05/2021 00:50

6 year old, nearly 7 year old does it too here. Another boy. Our two girls (both younger) don't.

Exactly the same as yours, purely too engrossed in something he's doing to go. It is getting a bit better now month by month. But occasionally he will still just go no matter where he is or what he's doing. You are not alone.
Surely the embarrassment has got to kick in soon

BookShark · 23/05/2021 00:51

DS was like this. Used to hold on for that bit too long, followed by a frantic (and not always successful) dash to the loo. And entirely down to being engrossed in something, but that something wasn't always gaming, it could equally be reading, out for a walk etc.

We pointed it out to him each time, but didn't take anything away - mainly because we'd have had to remove books, and that wasn't the message we wanted to send. But I think it's a maturity thing - DS is now 10 and it hasn't been an issue for a couple of years now.

As I can't point to anything I did to change it, I assume he just he grew up after a while...

IHaveBrilloHair · 23/05/2021 00:53

Instead of taking it away for a week, what about taking it for 5 minutes until he goes?

Topseyt · 23/05/2021 01:01

Make him clear it up. Might help ran your point home.

Topseyt · 23/05/2021 01:01

ram your point home

Countrycode · 23/05/2021 01:04

My almost 5yo DD does this too. It's infuriating. It's not because she's engrossed in things though - it's complete stubbornness. She's a mule that child, since the day she was born!

Original poster

Cupcakeschocolate · 23/05/2021 01:08

Thanks all. Good ideas. It's the first accident he's had in nearly a year. But it's always a near miss. I'm just tired of it. 3 other children at home. 4 year old has the occasional accident. But that's normal at her age. 2 year old in nappies. No problems with 6 year old. Glad I'm not alone though. He doesn't just sit there and wet himself. It's often a bit too late he gets the toilet open and just about gets on the loo. He has to sit down as his pee stream goes up! Not straight so if he stands up to pee he can't get it in the bowl. That's an issue that's waiting to be looked at on its own. He's been through a bit. He had an operation to remove and ostend osteoma (benign tumor) from his femur just over a year ago. Being my first I probably worry too much about being too harsh on him. Will go the week without the laptop and keep reminding him to go. And really time limit his use. Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

devuskums · 23/05/2021 01:09

I had a child of same rough age with this problem last year. Our finest hour was them wetting themselves on the newly carpeted stairs as they tried to dash to bathroom (they had been watching TV in living room beforehand and I had asked when they had last been to the loo).
I realised that all my previous strategies of getting annoyed, discussing, reasoning, asking etc hadn't worked.
From then on I prompted at certain times ... Every. Single. Day. (I set alarms on my phone, no joke) As soon as we got in from school, before dinner, before shower, before bed etc. No discussion, no arguments, no putting it off. It took a while but they now just go, unprompted. I just don't think their bladder makes the same noises mine does! I did get worried, I got annoyed, i tried different strategies
of punishing/rewards..., we talked it through a lot before I tried this method. But this seems to be the only thing that has helped. Now they just do it... for example they come in from school and go straight into the bathroom ... its really fab, I know it's just what should happen but I feel so glad they can just go to the loo with no issues

EastWestWhosBest · 23/05/2021 01:12

Not to say that you are a troll op but just a caution to other that there is a troll knocking about who gets their jollies off stories of children wetting themselves.

Original poster

Cupcakeschocolate · 23/05/2021 01:17

@devuskums thank you. I think this is the way isn't it! It makes me anxious! And it shouldn't!

Oh really! Bloody hell. Can't they be blocked @eastwestwhosbest?

OP posts:

oopsydaisyyy · 23/05/2021 01:19

@EastWestWhosBest

Not to say that you are a troll op but just a caution to other that there is a troll knocking about who gets their jollies off stories of children wetting themselves.

yikes!! really?! tf is the world coming to

Countrycode · 23/05/2021 01:30

Not to say that you are a troll op but just a caution to other that there is a troll knocking about who gets their jollies off stories of children wetting themselves.

Christ alive such sick weirdos out there

Original poster

Cupcakeschocolate · 23/05/2021 01:36

I'm off to bed now. Probably won't sleep as will be questioning where I went wrong as a mother! Haha. Thanks for the messages, good to know I'm not alone. Now I know there's some weirdos knocking around I'm going to leave it here! Thanks for the heads up

OP posts:

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 23/05/2021 01:43

I think it's sometimes about finding out how far they can push their own bodies.

DS was like you describe & is still a child who gets utterly absorbed in what he does. What worked here was to stop discussing it, stay very calm, make it his responsibility to clean up, point out how much longer cleaning up takes than just going to the toilet (& even if you don't need to clean up you are using the same amount of time to go pee so it's better to choose when to take a break rather than be forced when desperate)

He's still the one that needs reminded to pee before we go out for a long walk but there's no more jiggling/trying to hold it etc

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