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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Struggling to process this. Another bloody motorbike

20 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 22/05/2021 20:06

So DP (of nearly 30 years) bought another motorbike. Despite saying after the second one that was it, he wasnt going to buy another one until the ithers were finished and or sold. He didnt consult with me (he doesnt have to) and more importantly, lied about the price.

Full disclosure: he works hard, we are ok (just) with money and he can afford it. After many years of really not beimg ok financially. I am so wary of spending. I have about 20k in savings , a significant amount of this came from mum when she passed. I wont spend a penny on myself, it makes me feel guilty but i bought DP a £800 ipad for his birthday. I spend a lot on my DDs but just prefer to save the money after living through many rainy days.

He is otherwise a fantastic partner and dad and would literally do anything for me and give me his last penny. He pays most of the bills as he earns more than me.

What sticks in my gullet is, the fait accompli set before me. Ive bought it now and i dont need your permission and the fact he lied about the price. £700 vs £820. Why???? Admittedly bikes make me anxious, they are dangerous although it was part of the attraction to dp 30 years ago. Why lie over £120? Id pay that for a pair of shoes ffs itsnot a big deal.

He is now sulking like a fucking teenager and im.made to feel like the bad person because i was pissed off.

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my.stomach telling me this is a deal breaker, why is that? I love him and i know he lives me, bit respect???

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 22/05/2021 20:07

This is bike number 4

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 22/05/2021 20:29

Anyone???

OP posts:

leeds2glasgow · 22/05/2021 20:36

I'd let him crack on with. Weird lying about such a small amount but 🤷‍♀️ when I was a teenager my dad hid a motorbike for over two years. She did go mad though.

WhatAWasteOfOranges · 22/05/2021 20:40

Live a little, spend some of your money on yourself (bet your mum would have wanted you to). Just cause you feel too guilty to spend on yourself doesn’t mean he should feel guilty spending on himself if he can afford to. Yes 4 bikes is excessive but life is short and why not if you can and it brings you joy?!

Babyboomtastic · 22/05/2021 20:41

Given you'd spend £120 on a pair of shoes, are ok for money, and you agree that he doesn't have to consult with you, I'm struggling to see why this is a deal-breaker. Even the lie on price - it's annoying and not quite right, but it's no different than the joking women have often down for decades about the price of things. The difference is basically VAT + £20 so depending on the price breakdown it could as much be a little white lie etc.

Id be miffed about being mislead on the price, but otherwise, I don't see the big deal personally. I certainly don't think it's worth throwing a nearly 30y relationship away over it. I personally find that a baffling thought.

VeganCheesePlease · 22/05/2021 20:46

You've said in your OP that you don't have to consult each other for spends but the fact he lied about the price (fair enough that's a bit crappy) but I don't understand why you see this as a deal breaker, esp if he's great in every other way.

Curatingchaos · 22/05/2021 20:48

Yes. I can empathise. In fact I have one who does this, only the vehicle is different .
Sadly the latest was the dealbreaker. There is no way on this earth I would spend nearly a grand on a purchase without discussing it with him first, just no way. Yet my partner has done this so many times. Usually he goes into a depression fairly soon after the latest purchase, questioning how much money we have in the bank and where I may have been wasting it. Things like, shoes for the children or the food we eat .
It’s really sad but his mid life crisis is a vehicle obsession, and it’s as destructive and secretive as a drug or alcohol habit. He has the high (new car, showing his friends) followed by the low (moaning about money, realization that said vehicle didn’t make him 25 again , need to do all expensive restoration works ). Anyway it’s just finished for me but yours sounds as though he has some redeeming qualities.

AnExcellentWalker · 22/05/2021 20:49

YANBU, for two reasons.
1 - he lied about how much it cost. Why lie, if he genuinely thought it wasn't going to be a problem?
2 - he said no more bikes until he'd sold / finished the ones he already has.

I'd also be rather about his need to be collecting bikes, but I suppose if you have room it's not an issue. Some people collect stamps. My DH collects music. CDs of weird music everywhere. FFS...

I don't think you can reasonably change your mind & say no to a hobby he enjoys, that you knew he did when you first met him.

Does he have any savings, or does he rely on you to provide a safety cushion in case you have any more "rainy days" OP? Could that be partly what's annoying you, that you feel he's an impulsive spender whereas you're a planner & a saver?

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 22/05/2021 21:02

@AnExcellentWalker you are spot on. He wouldn't have spent the money if i didnt have that cushion. It galls.

Its the fact he feels he has to lie and is now being an areshole about it. I made a joke saying he owes me big time, as in he can treat me to something nice like a meal out inly to be met with sulking and quite frankly teenage behaviour.

Yes i spend £120 on shoes,the last pair of shoes i bought was 2 years ago. Its not a lot of money when youre buying dr martens that last forever.

OP posts:

RaeRaeMama · 22/05/2021 21:08

I would expect my partner to consult me if he was going to make a big purchase tbh. I can't understand why you were pissed, I guess you just need to weigh up if it worth having a fight over

isseys4xmastinselcats · 22/05/2021 21:09

At least your only spent £720 on another bike mine used some of his redundancy money to buy a £10000 newer version of the motorbike he already owned in a different colour and the other older version is still for sale and no it wasnt talk to me it was i have bought this bike, on the other hand he did draw down on his pension to buy us a house for cash (we were renting) so cant complain and i like going out on the bike too

Ragwort · 22/05/2021 21:15

It's annoying that he lied but you sound like a martyr, why are you spending so much money on an iPad for your DP and stuff for your DC but denying yourself anything? It's your choice to keep £20k for a rainy day.

I am like you, I don't spend myself but I don't want or need anything, if my DH wants to spend money on his golf club membership
it doesn't affect me In the slightest and I am glad he had a hobby he enjoys, I have plenty of hobbies I love and enjoy, but they don't cost money .

sowhatsnext · 22/05/2021 21:15

Really the fact that you’re asking this makes me think there are some much bigger issues going on..?

If he has his money (which I am assuming he does as you said “your savings”); and he’s spent it on a bike I’m not sure what’s to be so hung up about? Maybe he slimmed down the price cuz he knew you were going to get mardy about it 🤷‍♀️

Summerfun54321 · 22/05/2021 21:16

Couldn’t get worked up about this. It’s clearly his passion if he owns 4 bikes. My dad owns loads of bikes and cars, it’s what he does and it’s who he is. £720 on a motorbike is cheap. Was he cagey because you like to give him a hard time about how he spends his money?

hettie · 22/05/2021 21:18

I dunno but anything much over £100 or 150 to whack and it's a joint decision in this house....

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 22/05/2021 21:22

@Summerfun54321 thats just it, i dont

OP posts:

sowhatsnext · 22/05/2021 21:29

[quote LEMtheoriginal]@Summerfun54321 thats just it, i dont[/quote]
If you don’t give him a hard time about what he spends money on 1. Why is he now in a mood with you and 2. Why have you made a post on MN about it?

If it’s a deal breaker for you then it is what it is. However I think you need to live a little and don’t begrudge him doing something that makes him happy

alwayswrighty · 22/05/2021 21:32

Thing is the ideal number of motorbikes is what you've got in the garage plus 1.

Propagandalf · 22/05/2021 22:54

OP, you sound rather controlling.

That's why he had to lie about £700 vs £820.

Be glad he isn't hiding a gambling addiction. At least by spending money on 4 bikes, he has something to show for it!

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 23/05/2021 07:37

I am surprised that it appears IABU from the responses here. I genuinely thought people would be saying LTB. That makes me think.

Im upset because he felt he had to lie and over such a trivial amount. I don't think im controlling i just don't like lies. Maybe he feels he has spent too much on it and thats why he lied?

I made a joke yesterday that he owes me big time, suggesting a day out ( its been ages) or lunch out somewhere nice. That could have degenerated into a row so i closed that line of conversation down and weve barely spoken since.

I honestly couldn't give a shit about the bike, or the fact he didnt consult with me first. It was the way the conversation went. Ive bought another bike. FFS really, eye roll, where now? (He buys things hundreds of miles away and we go on a road trip - the first time he told me it was 50 miles. Yeah plus 400 and usually if hes bought something he'll say - oh, were going on a road trip!) I jokingly moaned about the place he bought it from - boring road trip I WAS JOKING. And he was defensive and i could see itwould get nasty so i shut the conversation down.

It makes me feel less "together" if that makes sense. I think this must go deeper than a bike

OP posts:

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