AIBU to think it was my fault this happened and that I'm not healthy enough?

[kravestix]

Have one DC age three. Found out I was pregnant last Summer and had an early miscarriage at around 6 weeks.

I was having quite a tough year mentally and when I found out I tried to quit my bad habits but hadn't quite managed to do so when I miscarried. Bad habits included, most shamefully, smoking, way more than the recommended caffeine and, as I said, i was in a bad place mentally and suffering from extreme health anxiety after having a cancer scare a month earlier. Now, I can't help but think it was my fault that I miscarried and my bad habits and mental health was to blame.

Now, a year on, and I'd really love another DC. But I have so many concerns, I'm scared I'll miscarry again, I'm scared there will be complications, I'm scared that I won't be able to stop the caffeine and smoking. I currently take Citalopram since last summer and I know my GP said I can't take them when pregnant. So, I'm worried about having to stop those if I get pregnant. And ultimately, I can't help thinking that it's just too much for me to cope with mentally, all this stress and worry. And, I want to stay well and happy for my current DC.

So, AIBU to think, as it stands, I'm not mentally or physically healthy enough to even consider another pregnancy?

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Given the sort of physical and mental health issues many women who carry pregnancies full term have - it seems unlikely anything you did caused the miscarriage.

Miscarriages are very common.

You sound like you have a lot to deal with and maybe now isn't the best time to be getting pregnant ... Are you under particular time pressure due to age or can you delay for a while?

Forgot to add that I also have a high bmi, just over 35.

There is absolutely nothing you did to cause a miscarriage at 6 weeks! It’s developing off a yolk sack and the placenta hasn’t started working properly yet.

It’s great news you have kicked some bad habits not only for future pregnancies but yourself. Can you try to start cutting some out again? Think of it as starting to plan to ttc, reduce the smoking / caffeine and take folic acid everyday?

There is a chance you could miscarriage again but hopefully you wont but you won’t know unless you try. What would you regret more never trying or trying and having another miscarriage? The stats are 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage before 12 weeks I think so you have had your quota if you want to think positively.

Sounds like you might have anxiety, you could benefit from some counselling or cbt. I would 100% recommend it.

Fwiw my sister smoked before and during pregnancy and her son is a 22 year old, so ..

Can you take an alternative med if you were to fall pregnant?

@MarshmallowAra

Given the sort of physical and mental health issues many women who carry pregnancies full term have - it seems unlikely anything you did caused the miscarriage.

Miscarriages are very common.

You sound like you have a lot to deal with and maybe now isn't the best time to be getting pregnant ... Are you under particular time pressure due to age or can you delay for a while?

No time pressure in regards to age but I was hoping if we ever had a second it would be fairly close in age to my DS. So, I feel like really it's got to be soon or make peace with the fact that I won't have any more.

So, AIBU to think, as it stands, I'm not mentally or physically healthy enough to even consider another pregnancy?

As sad as it sounds because you obviously want another baby now, I'm inclined to agree it doesn't sound like you're ready.

I wouldn't leave quitting smoking and losing weight until you get a positive test result because of the pressure that would put on you.

Has your Dr offered any kind of alternative to your MH treatment?

@Minstrelsgetinmybelly

There is absolutely nothing you did to cause a miscarriage at 6 weeks! It’s developing off a yolk sack and the placenta hasn’t started working properly yet.

It’s great news you have kicked some bad habits not only for future pregnancies but yourself. Can you try to start cutting some out again? Think of it as starting to plan to ttc, reduce the smoking / caffeine and take folic acid everyday?

There is a chance you could miscarriage again but hopefully you wont but you won’t know unless you try. What would you regret more never trying or trying and having another miscarriage? The stats are 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage before 12 weeks I think so you have had your quota if you want to think positively.

Sounds like you might have anxiety, you could benefit from some counselling or cbt. I would 100% recommend it.

Thank you. I started CBT and medication after my miscarriage last summer. It has really helped and actually, I've never been in such a good place mentally than I am now.

But I still have a lot of concerns and worries about making this decision.

@WorraLiberty

So, AIBU to think, as it stands, I'm not mentally or physically healthy enough to even consider another pregnancy?

As sad as it sounds because you obviously want another baby now, I'm inclined to agree it doesn't sound like you're ready.

I wouldn't leave quitting smoking and losing weight until you get a positive test result because of the pressure that would put on you.

Has your Dr offered any kind of alternative to your MH treatment?

The worst thing is, I was the same weight and also smoking and consuming caffeine, when I was pregnant with my DS and luckily, somehow, my pregnancy was fine. No problems and complications. But obviously I got lucky and if I do it again, I'd like to be as healthy as I can be but i just don't know if mentally I'm strong enough to make and, most importantly, stick to the changes.

@WorraLiberty

So, AIBU to think, as it stands, I'm not mentally or physically healthy enough to even consider another pregnancy?

As sad as it sounds because you obviously want another baby now, I'm inclined to agree it doesn't sound like you're ready.

I wouldn't leave quitting smoking and losing weight until you get a positive test result because of the pressure that would put on you.

Has your Dr offered any kind of alternative to your MH treatment?

And in regards to the MH treatment, I self referred for CBT and when I spoke to my GP about my MH the answer was to prescribe me Citalopram. I've had no reviews or follow ups since. Order a repeat prescription via email every month and that's been that.

Could you go back to your GP?

They may at least be able to help with the smoking and weightloss?

You dont have to stop C italopram whilst pregnant. I'm on 25mg a day and am 15 weeks.

To echo the previous posters, please don’t hold yourself responsible for your miscarriage. They are so incredibly common, and in the majority of cases, the “healthiest” lifestyle in the world wouldn’t prevent it.

I would say that you need to speak to your GP about the citalopram. There’s quite a lot of evidence that’s been gathered over recent years on its use during pregnancy, and it doesn’t seem to cause any increased risk of problems during pregnancy, though babies of women who used SSRIs during pregnancy are generally monitored slightly more closely just after birth in case of any problems. It’s a bit of a bugbear of mine that a lot of GPs reflexively stop antidepressants during pregnancy without stopping to consider whether the risk of increased mental health symptoms or relapse into depression (when pregnancy/the postpartum period is often a difficult time for lots of women) outweighs the relatively small risk to the baby. Obviously it’s a decision that needs to be made on a case-by-case basis and discussed carefully with your GP, but it’s not a given that the citalopram would need to be stopped.

@SomeLovers

To echo the previous posters, please don’t hold yourself responsible for your miscarriage. They are so incredibly common, and in the majority of cases, the “healthiest” lifestyle in the world wouldn’t prevent it.

I would say that you need to speak to your GP about the citalopram. There’s quite a lot of evidence that’s been gathered over recent years on its use during pregnancy, and it doesn’t seem to cause any increased risk of problems during pregnancy, though babies of women who used SSRIs during pregnancy are generally monitored slightly more closely just after birth in case of any problems. It’s a bit of a bugbear of mine that a lot of GPs reflexively stop antidepressants during pregnancy without stopping to consider whether the risk of increased mental health symptoms or relapse into depression (when pregnancy/the postpartum period is often a difficult time for lots of women) outweighs the relatively small risk to the baby. Obviously it’s a decision that needs to be made on a case-by-case basis and discussed carefully with your GP, but it’s not a given that the citalopram would need to be stopped.

Thank you, that's really helpful to know.

How annoying my response seems to have disappeared. Anyway it was something along the lines of :

OP it is not your fault. I had a pregnancy in 2016 that I aborted. I was in a terrible place and because I knew I wasn't going to keep it I was smoking, drinking and taking cocaine regularly (please no nasty comments, I know I was an idiot). When I had a scan at 7 weeks before the abortion there was a strong heartbeat. I became pregnant again a few months later and despite doing everything right I had a missed miscarriage. Sadly they are very common. I now have a healthy nearly three year old DD.

Hugs ❤️❤️

I had my antidepressants stopped when I found out I was pregnant (around 4/5/6 weeks). I was on a high dose and the doctor said I had to stop them straight away. I'm now almost 26 weeks and have been on a new antidepressant for a few weeks now. It's a much lower dose and it's probably not doing much but my midwife said that it's likely my mental health got worse because of how my previous ones were just stopped... :(

YANBU. Use this as motivation to get healthy before you try again

It wasn't your fault. Your baby wasn't compatible with life.

Lots of women who are pregnant have unhealthy eating habits etc and still go to term. Please don't let this put you off from trying again.
If it makes you feel better, get healthier, try and come off of Citalopram (sp?) And creates better habits.
Best of luck. X

I’ve had lots of early miscarriages and the way I try to see them is that my body IS doing what it was supposed to do. Not all eggs are viable and not all fertilized eggs are able to develop into a healthy baby. It’s heartbreaking but your body didn’t loose it because you are unhealthy, that baby just wasn’t meant to be born.

I think you sound in a bad place mentally and physically to try for another right now. Can you wait three months to try and use that time to come off the antidepressants, lose a bit of weight and stop smoking?

Don’t come off the anti-depressants. You need them at the moment. Citalopram is fine and low risk in pregnancy but if you’re worried ask for Sertraline which is the safest one.

Not your fault in the slightest OP. Please don't blame yourself.

It sounds like you’re right and now isn’t the time. Focus on being healthy, for you and for your daughter

Thanks, all. But turns out it's a moot point anyway as DH doesn't want anymore.