Am I being unreasonable?

[GasDoc03]

My husband lost his dad last month and he has been at his parents house ever since..which is in a different city to where we live..his siblings live there as well..He has been saying his mom needs support. This comes at a time when even I have been through a miscarriage, countless help sessions cause I caught him with addiction issues and me unable to visit my famiky for neay 1 and a half years.He has not even tried to make effort to contact me much and even if he does its for say 30 seconds in a couple of days.The really he gives is busy..and he genuinely says tat..not in a way of showing attitude.I believe his family is very selfish and use him.I stayed there helping them during the grieving period for 2 weeks and fell really sick but had to get back to my job and struggled alone.I feel he doesnt value me.I understand the loss of parent is hard but does it stop you from even talking to your spouse but not with family and friend?

The addiction issues alone would be making me have a long hard look at my marriage with a view to making other arrangements. Then comes everything else you have described.

It seems he is just not that into you as much as you might be into him, sadly.

The loss of a family member is hard, grief is selfish, I can't comment on your other issues, but we almost didn't survive the loss of my DH family member and how much time his family 'took away', I didn't know who my husband was anymore and we turned into house mates.
We are slowly making it out the other side 1.5yrs later, things are good, but don't underestimate how long and drawn out losing family can be.

you need help sessions because he has addiction issues?
what help is he getting to overcome them, or is "helping mummy" a nice respite with no need to address issues?

You don't say addiction to what - but I'd forget TTC until you're assured that they are under control.
Use the time apart to assess whether or not he is a useful addition to your life, or maybe that he is better off living with DM & you move on,

He had addiction which needed psychotherapy..dont want to go into the details but pretty much something as a cause of childhood abuse,we sought help for humans we went to couple counselling for marriage to make things work.His issues and then his family bullying me didn't help and I had gone into a near breakdown situation .Their attitude has changed after the dads death as I took care of their dad in his final moments.His family seems to be aware that I am helping him in a positive way but feel threatened I will take him away from them as they depend a lot on him financially.I am actually assessing whether to carry on..the solution is quite obvious to me but what makes it hard is that he keeps saying he wants to make it work and loves me(but actions don't match up) and the fact that my family don't want me to leave him as they are worried about what society will say:(

I think he's being unreasonable. Three years ago, I got a phone call that still plays in my head of my dad calling me to tell me my 21 year old sister had died. It was an awful loss and I had to be there for my family, also in a different city. It was a really rough time and i think my DH struggled with it all and with having to be with my family so much during that time. Are there cultural things at play? I'm Irish and we have a wake from when the person dies which lasts through their funeral, so the expectation of myself and my brothers was to be in the house until the day of her funeral but it sounds like he's been away a very long time.

@VegancheesePlease
the funeral happened t he next day and all the rites are completed within 3 days.The thing is his mom and sisters expect him to be next to them all the time..in a pathological way..and now with this death think they want him for few months..he has an older brother who lives 20 min away but doesn't have much responsibilities in the sense..financial stuff is totally on my husband and with2 of his sister back home due to breakdown. of their marriage expect him to sort them out.We have been married 3 years..and its always like them all the time..we jus don't get time out and even if we plan something he gets called away at the last min.Manipulation is all time high.Culturally as well, its actually the older ones who should have the responsibility and he is the middle child.

Definitely sounds like manipulation but it sounds like he's just going along with it.

I feel so as well.He is 40 years old.and gets easily swayed by emotional manipulations .I am jus fed up of supporting him.He has never been abusive to me and is very generous to everyone around him except he doesn't focus on our family .I am a doctor so I am financially ok..but he is sooo emotionally invested with others he doesn't have any for us in the end

Until you have a close loss of your own , I think it will be hard for you to judge.
I lost my dad 9 months ago. The grieving process for me has been very hard. My husband has supported me with anything and everything that I’ve needed/wanted to do even if it’s majorly disrupted our family life, and I needed that.
Having unconditional support is very important imo

I understand..I lost 3 from own family the same week due to the pandemic back home..I know its hard for him..I am supportive of him and let him be with his siblings and mom ..but the thing which has annoyed me is the fact I see that they are now bit better..going to parks and stuff as a family and my husband able to post stuff online but unable to even send me a message or call me atleast once in a day.I am not expecting much now.But no communication is not the way.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about yours and his expectations around what a marriage means to each of you. You are not a person in a cupboard that he can just take out to look at when he remembers.

We all lose our parents eventually, we don't all uproot our lives and abandon our responsibilities. Grief lasts years sometimes, life has to go on in the meantime though. A few days, a week maybe for staying at the dearly departed's home with family. Anything else would be exceptional circumstances. Is there a person with disability or to whom the departed parent held caring responsibilities for? If not then I think it is really unreasonable of him to behave this way.

No..there is no one with disability in the house..his dad was the only one who was really old..his mom is ok ..and they have 2 younger sisters living in the house as well..one divorced and another having separated form her husband.besides this there are 2 more older sisters living 20 mins away..who kind of visit normally every weekend and now maybe almost everyday and stay over..and an older brother who lives with his family 20 mins away.So it's not like his mom is alone.

It's been nearly a month now since he has been there..and from what I know for sure..he runs errands for his siblings...like dropin their kids for tuition or pick up...driving 3 hours to drop a nephew to university.. basically abused.thats what the counsellor told as well.its like they always make him feel guilty that he is not doing enough.Now even more I guess