Dh thinks I'm obsessed with work

[Readytogiveup111]

This is an ongoing argument that dh and I have. I am also 36 weeks pregnant so possibly slightly hormonal!

For context Dh works shifts, mainly nights but some days as well. His job is very much reactive, if he doesn't get called out for something he can end up sitting around not doing a lot. Can't work from home due to nature of job. Sometimes doesn't have to stay for whole shift, for example this week he was meant to do 2200 - 0600 nights but was home by 0200 most days. Will then generally stay in bed until 1200, have lunch, then go back to bed until 6pm when he gets up for tea and to spend some time with me and dd(4)

I've been wfh since March last year. Start maternity leave in a couple of weeks. Busy, demanding job which I love. Work have been great and are happy for me to flex my hours round the day so that I can do school drop off and pick up as Dh is generally unable to when on nights. As.long ad my work is done and I generally do an 8 hour day, work are happy.

I tend to log on before dropping dd off, take half hour out to walk to and from school, then work through to 1200 ish to join dh for lunch. Have a dedicated office space sometimes if really busy will take the laptop to lunch with me to keep an eye on emails etc. If no calls will sit with dh for a couple of hours if he's staying up while also working etc. Then take half an hour for school run at 1500 ish. Back home and work until 1700 while dd plays or has the tablet.

Dh thinks I work too much as I won't take a break during the day to spend more time with him. Occasionally I will take a break to put some washing on or do a few odd bits, but as far as I am concerned between 9-5i am working.

Earlier this week dh asked me to bring thr laptop upstairs and sit in bed with him while he watched something, which I did, but is moaning I didn't give him 2 minutes for a 'cuddle'. Again had to remind him I was working.

Yesterday dh finished nights so was up and did school pick up (weather was awful so he didn't want a heavily pregnant me walking in the rain - not bothered him the rest of the week) when he got home, I was on a call and my office space directly looks iver the front door so I can see them walking back, dd was apparently waving at me but I was looking at my screen so didn't see, this has now set him off on the usual rant that I'm obsessed, sacrificing everything for the sake of my job, never pay him any attention etc

Mot really sure what the point of this post is, just needed a rant I think!

Wow he's like a big attention seeking baby isn't he? You're doing your work fgs, does he want you to lose your job? I wouldn't say you're over working I'd say your dp is being rather immature. As long as you shut it down at 5 and are not working into the night etc I'd say you're in the right here. He shouldn't be dragging you down like this, he should be supporting you

I do think it can be difficult when people work opposing shifts or in totally different jobs.

I used to work retail (five days but my days off were always in the week) whereas DH worked a normal M-F job. I know he found it weird and moaned that I was "always working" as it felt like we never got much time together as a result of my job.

However you've said he sleeps all day and doesn't bother to even do the school run so I would tell him to get fucked

Sounds like he doesn't know what work is since he spends most of his shifts doing nothing and then leaves early.

He needs to get a grip.

Firstly, you do not work a lot. 9-5 with a break for lunch is perfectly average and normal, it's definitely not 'a lot'.

Secondly, your DH is acting really immature. You're working and you're paid to do your job during working hours not pander to him. Sounds like he doesn't get it at all, and it's really selfish of him to put pressure on you to neglect your work. Are you in a more senior role to him?

And why is he spending all day in bed anyway, he should be picking up your DD and doing stuff round the house too.

YANBU

He wants you to be a 1950s housewife, who just happens to bring in some money when he is not looking.

Tell him you want him to come home at midnight “for a cuddle” if he is expecting the same from you during your working day.

You need to set firmer boundaries with your dh around your job.
Work in your office and do your work only in your office.
Taking 2 hours to spend with him is blurring your work boundaries and your dh thinks you can just dip in and out of work.
Imagine a woman asking her dh to work on his laptop in bed!
Ridiculous idea.

I've had the same issue with my DH, he has an easier job with less responsibility and seems completely thrown by the fact that I prioritise work over him during working hours.

I don't have experience of regular night shifts, is it usual to sleep 5 hours then a further 5 later in the day? Seems like a lot!

Obvious question is how would this work if you were in the office? What would he do would he need to do school runs etc? I have been wfh since last March too and so many people forget I am actually working. It’s because you’re visible.

It sounds as though his job is much less involved than yours, how does he work half a shift then sleep for 10 hours and more? I would be asking him how much effort does he put into paying attention to you?

Attention to the fact that you are at work while works half your hours and sleeps a lot.

When I worked twilights I was in bed for 2am and up at 8am to take my child to school. I did a load of jobs and housework or went shopping. I'd then have a nap and get up and collect her from school. Make tea then off out to work again as then H got in from work at 6 who did bedtime and the clearing up/prep for next day. He's taking the piss with his daytime routine even if he's worked all night. On night shifts I was known to stay up to do morning school run, in bed straight after and up again to collect.
It won't improve when new baby comes along and when you return from mat leave. Maybe by then you will be back in the office and he will have to pull his weight properly. He's being totally unreasonable and needs to grow up or ship out and then he can lounge around like a man baby till his hearts content - except every other weekend when he ill get the shock of his life at having to get up and be a responsible parent!

No you're not being unreasonable, if you weren't wfh presumably you would be out of the house 9-5 (and he would have to help with the school run?). I'm shocked he expects you to sit with him and keep him company when you're working, I find that quite odd.

Yanbu, you’re working perfectly normal hours, just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you don’t have work to do.

He’s being ridiculous and needy, I work at home in my office and wouldn’t sit with DH while he was watching tv or whatever because I’d be really distracted.

Just because he seems to work the odd few hours rather than a full shift doesn’t mean you can, what would he do if you were in the office?

Re-reading this, he’s actually a really lazy arse.

So if he’s on a night shift he’ll get in at 6.30, sleep till 12, go back to bed about 2pm and sleep till 6pm? So he gets about 9.5 hours sleep, 2 hours relaxing at lunchtime, ‘spends time with’ you and DD and then goes to work. When does he pull his weight with childcare and domestic duties?

Meantime you work full time 8 hours a day, flex around childcare pickups and drop offs - even when he’s around to do some! - and do all the domestic stuff. And you’re heavily pregnant. And there’s been a fucking pandemic.

You’re being played by a massive man baby and the shift work is a huge red herring.

YOur "D"H is being a lazy bastard and you need to put a stop to this immediately. Soon there will be a 2nd baby and so you have 4 weeks to lay down the law to him.

"Sometimes doesn't have to stay for whole shift, for example this week he was meant to do 2200 - 0600 nights but was home by 0200 most days. Will then generally stay in bed until 1200, have lunch, then go back to bed until 6pm when he gets up for tea and to spend some time with me and dd".

This para puts him firmly into CF territory! An adult man needs 7 hours sleep per night, plus let's say half an hour tagged on at each end to shower/dress. Therefore when he's home by 2am he gets 8 hours for this, taking him to 10am. From 10am until he goes to work he should be available to help run the house and look after the children whilst you work.

I'm gobsmacked to read that it's HIM who is ranting. It should be you!

I am outraged that he's in bed from 2am right the way round to 6pm apart from a break for lunch! That is 14 or 15 hours he's lazing around in bed! He's taking the absolute piss out of you.

How have you not lost your rag at him? No way should he be going back to bed after lunch! On what grounds?

He's a lazy fucker and he's trying to drag you down with him.

Put your foot down! Make him a list of chores that he has to do. At the very least

.... At the very least he should take over child care from 10am till 5pm

@NoSquirrels add to that he often works half a shift finishing at 2 and still sleeps till 12.

Thank you for all the replies. I've been up most of the night pondering this and when I tried to talk to him this morning he still maintains that I am working too much and never listen to him.

To top it off yesterday when he got up at lunch time, he moaned that the house was a mess. When he is on nights I can't hoover (wakes him up) can't put the washing machine on (wakes him up) can only put thr dishwasher on when he has gone to work (wakes him up yet is perfectly OK to be on when I am sleeping)

Asked him the other day what he is going to do when we have a newborn and dd and I have to get them up and get dd to school, his answer was just deal with it and not wakes me up if you can help it.

He's also upset that I have asked him to think about taking some shared parental leave after 5 months as I would like to return a bit early. Being off last time played havoc with my mental health (severe post natal anxiety) and after some counselling a suggestion wad to swap roles just for the last few months (I'm only taking 7 months due to finances) but he won't even entertain the idea.

Wow. Does he have any redeeming features?

Good lord this level of needy man baby crap would kill any attraction I had. Moaning that you couldn't spare 2 minutes for a cuddle? I half expect that from my 5 year old if DP winged I would be seriously wierded out.

I'd honestly be saying this ( perhaps in more appropriate language ) . I'm genuinely impressed you can see him as an adult.

Asked him the other day what he is going to do when we have a newborn and dd and I have to get them up and get dd to school, his answer was just deal with it and not wakes me up if you can help it.

I honestly couldn't stay with someone who had this little respect for me, this contempt for my wellbeing and this level of entitlement.

You're married to a prick.

He doesn't really think you are obsessed with your job; he resents your job for taking your attention away from being his wife and housekeeper, and thats his way of putting you in your place.