Is this normal? Am I expecting too much?

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Hey there,

I know all families are weird in their own way, but what happens in your family if you express feelings to your parents?

eg. "I feel a bit miffed I was left out of my brother's wedding when our other sister was in it"

or "I have to give a presentation tomorrow and I'm not feeling good about it"

The reason I ask is that I have said both those things to my parents and they stared at me blankly, then changed the subject. This is how they always are.

Would you mind sharing, is your family like this?

YABU = This is normal
YANBU = No my family would respond if I shared my feelings

Thanks

Mine tends to act very defensively and will deny any wrongdoing/rude behaviour until it inevitably gets twisted around on me and becomes my fault

Generally mine are so emotionally avoidant that they will respond like yours. It's a shame as emotion is a normal part of being human. But a lot of people find them scary and therefore freeze up and deflect.

It's not normal.
My DH, when I met him told me his family were very average and normal.

I met them and was like wtf???
It was utter madness from day 1. His parents and siblings were one big bag of dysfunction stemming from a desperately unhappy marriage. How he is related tp them i still do not know.
The crazy dialled up over the last few years and its been really hard and sad for me to have my husband see his family and childhood on a new light. It's been quite hard on him but understanding the issues has made it easier to manage/handle the demands of his family.

He doesn't bother looking for anything from them. His siblings and mother are both highly self absorbed (for different reasons) and would say/do similar to your examples

Not normal nowadays but my parents would be the same and alot of the older genetations avoided any talk about feelings so its probably the norm in alot of families.

I think there is a bit of a generational thing with a "stiff upper lip". Quite a lot (not all) of older people seem to struggle with talking about their emotions. It can definitely rub off on children and make children feel less comfortable with their emotions too, and can make for some awkward family dynamics - especially as a lot of the younger generations are more au fait with mental health and it is generally more talked about in society than ever before. That can cause some friction and some awkwardness.

It is a shame but it is just one way of dealing with life. Talking, not talking, everyone has their coping strategies.

My mum would listen but my dad gets defensive and shouts. Normally get an apology a couple of days later once my mother has explains things to him then he feels bad.

It depends.
The two comments are very different. If someone said the first one to me then I'd be thinking "fuck off, you're not entitled to a role in the wedding, grow up", the second one wouldn't make me think anything like that. Do you tend to moan a lot?

Mine are like this and tbh it puts me off having any meaningful conversation with them at all. I'm trying to do better with my DC.

Mine are the opposite end of that scale and it would get talked about forever (I’m not exaggerating, we often discuss fights and slights that happened 50 years ago, obviously everyone has an entirely different recollection to everyone else and it’s pandemonium). My partner’s family are like yours. I think normal has to be somewhere in between!

I think those are two very particular situations.

The first, your parents are probably wise not to get involved in wedding drama between their children unless there's something really mean going on. They'll just end up having to take sides and it'll cause ill feeling.

In the second, do you talk about work a lot? I have a couple of friends and relatives who do, and I smile and nod and hope the conversation moves on. No one wants to spend their leisure time talking about someone else's work unless there's something big going on.

Mine negate ALL my feelings and even bare facts.

"I feel exhausted" ... "of course you're not, you have nothing to do".

" I can't manage the stairs with these bags" "of course you can, you're not that ill".
But it's not just around my health. Anything negative or positive they'll minimise or even ridicule. it's difficult to be badly parented

My mother never apologised for anything she did and tried to deny it all. Her favourite phrase was "Not at all". When she said that we knew she was lying but there was no getting through to her.

Years after she's died my sister and I still talk about how she ruined both our lives.

My parents would not know how to deal with either question. Dysfunctional AF, but I don’t know how to fix it.

My DM sounds like Middle's parents .... she loves discussing and analysing everything in great detail, to be honest I find it utterly tedious and much prefer the 'stiff upper lip approach' but I guess we are all different.

I always felt my parents were very disinterested in me. My mum couldn’t even tell you where I work or what I do…

Mine won’t even wish me happy birthday just ask for money instead (on my birthday).Never ask how me and dc are doing (live abroad). Only communicate if the want some money.

My mum will start ranting about how she's not in the mood for 'this' if I try to express any feelings about her specifically, so like asking her to try and manage her anxiety about my baby and appreciate its affect on me. Dp's parents sound like yours, say anything that might require an emotional response and they just look at you blankly and say nothing! I think both aren't nice and endeavour to bring DD up to get an actual response when she tells us how she feels. Over time I think this behaviour is really damaging because you're reaching out for something you need from people who should be there to support you and you're getting nothing.