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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let ex have daughter for the weekend

25 replies

Syncretia · 20/05/2021 22:09

I was working in the office with my daughters father who hasn’t seen her for 2 years. I convince work to let me work from home due to covid and it was winding me up listening to him on about his pregnant fiancee. Weekend after I start working from home I suddenly get a message saying that he wants to have his daughter for the weekend.

Two years I’ve been in the office with him and he hasn’t even asked how she is, now as soon as I’m working from home and getting away from seeing him he then wants contact with her.

I know he is her father but she was under 2 the last time he saw her and is unlikely to remember him, so I don’t think him taking her to a strange town (30 miles away), strange house,with people she doesn’t know will do her any good at all.

AIBU to say he has to build contact up gradually, in addition to querying whether he can be consistent with her with a new baby due any day.

Don’t get on with ex or his now pregnant fiancée (who worked in same office) as they were cheating during my diagnosis and treatment for cancer. His GF at the time was the one who told me that ex wasn’t going to see daughter again so I wasn’t to contact him from that point forward.

Would a contact centre be the best starting point for them to build a relationship again.

OP posts:

PastaLaVistaBBY · 20/05/2021 22:21

I think sending your 4 year old off to stay with someone she hasn’t seen in 2 years and doesn’t remember would be tantamount to neglect. She would be terrified and miserable. You absolutely need to refuse. Let him fight for (gradual, supervised) access if he really wants it. He doesn’t get to pick her up and drop her like a toy.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 20/05/2021 22:33

I think a new job would be better for you.

Original poster

Syncretia · 20/05/2021 22:36

I was there first though, stupidly thought that would be a good idea for us to work in the same place when we were a couple. Is a good company to work for who are flexible with days and times which is difficult to find.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/05/2021 07:51

Yes he’s trying it on to annoy you, would be my guess.

I’d suggest building up very slowly as you’ve said. He can’t make you take her there this weekend. If he does take you to court ever (sounds unlikely) then you can show you’ve offer a sensible, gradual build up.

Something like him meeting you both at your local park for half an hour, or at a cafe if she likes that, might work.

FelicityPike · 21/05/2021 08:00

Tell him to take you to court!
Hopefully he has still been paying regular, meaningful maintenance for his dd though?

PicaK · 21/05/2021 08:03

Building up slowly -absolutely the right thing to do for your daughter at a pace that suits her.
Niggly comments about his gf and his time -completely agree with your points but don't do that.
Present him with a suggested contact outline over next 6 months. Not specific days but more
Weeks 1-4
30 min playtime at my house supervised twice a week etc etc
Start lower than what you're prepared for so you can have wriggle room during negotiation.
You might get more help on divorce board -or even perhaps the adoption board as they are very child focused and knowledgeable about bonding albeit in a different way.

smartiecake · 21/05/2021 08:05

Yes agree he is trying to annoy you now he can't do that in person in the office.
Of course you refuse. He absolutely needs to do a very very slow and gradual build up to contact. With you there of course. Tell him to jog on and you set the rules for any contact.

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2021 08:08

Another one who thinks you should insist he applies for access through the courts. She's not a toy to be picked up and dropped on a whim.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/05/2021 08:10

Hope he pays maintenance

COS2102 · 21/05/2021 08:19

I definitely think you've said the right thing, in that he needs to build a relationship up and can't just have her for the weekend when she doesn't remember him.
I'm also querying 'why now?' So, is it that he thought having you there was good for him because if there was anything to know about her he could hear it from you whilst keeping the fiancé happy that he isn't seeing her...seeing as you said it was the fiancé who told you he was stopping contact. Was it her doing rather than his? Or has he split with the fiancé and now feels like he can see his daughter without her say so?
Just so weird that as soon as you arent in his eyesight that he suddenly wants the relationship again.
Did you ask him why now?

Hankunamatata · 21/05/2021 08:22

Email him a suggested contact schedule. Contact centres are grim so perhaps soft play with lots of people around.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 21/05/2021 08:26

Dont say take it to court. You lose the limited control over the situation you do have and a guarantee he will get contact. Probably substantially more than is ideal.

Contact centre is not appropriate unless there is violence.its also expensive.

Hours visit at home supervised by you or trip to feed the ducks at the play park. Get him to keep to a definite schedule of that, then consider anything else

FrenchBoule · 21/05/2021 08:30

“She doesn’t even know who you are” would be my reply.
You might as well give your daughter to a stranger.

OP,I’d speak to manager/HR as well.

Let him go through legal channels(court) if he wants the contact.

His request or rather demand (that’s what it is) shouldn’t be granted just because he wants.

If he really wants contact he’ll go to court. Otherwise it is just a mindfuck game to control you.
You don’t play games with kids as pawns,unfortunately some people will stoop very low to get at their ex.

Wishing you all the best OP,please don’t budge for the sake of your DD.

Oh and please communicate with him/OW only via text/mail so you have a trail.

Branleuse · 21/05/2021 08:44

Surely he needs to meet her and build it up first

Zzelda · 21/05/2021 08:57

YADNBU. Tell him he can meet her with you present for an hour and build up from there.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 21/05/2021 09:01

YANBU at all, you have done the right thing. He absolutely needs to slowly build contact up, you’d be a terrible Mother if you just sent her to his house one weekend out of the blue. She’d most likely be frightened especially at such a young age, she doesn’t know who he is!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/05/2021 09:02

God he is awful. What's his agenda? Because it clearly isn't doing the best thing for his daughter, he can't seriously think that a 4 year old would be comfortable spending an entire weekend with an effective stranger? And if he does think that it shows he knows nothing about kids at all.

I can't believe he still works there with you as well, does he have no shame? Surely all his colleagues know he completely abandoned his child? And he can't pull the 'my crazy ex wont allow me access' card

Original poster

Syncretia · 21/05/2021 09:39

With his Fiancée working in the same office they both stated I stopped him seeing her and that I was crazy etc so it was two of them against what I said so I let people think what they want. I have emails as evidence of who actually stopped the contact.

I think his agenda is to wind me up at a time he knows I’m really stressed as yearly check at hospital wasn’t normal this time so required biopsies. Which still waiting results for.

OP posts:

myhobbyisouting · 21/05/2021 09:50

"Being there first" wouldn't be enough to keep me working in that office tbh. You'd be infinitely happier if you just left them all behind surely?

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 21/05/2021 09:55

It's such a cliche for deadbeats to use the line that their ex prevented contact. (I know that there are parents who are blocked but OP knows the truth and will be able to prove it if her dd asks.

Tell him to take the matter to court. You wouldn't be unreasonable to request that he starts with supervised contact until she knows him better and he has proven that he's ready to commit time to his dd.

DumplingsAndStew · 21/05/2021 10:41

I don't think court is necessary unless you want to prevent him seeing her at all, and have reason to think a court might withhold contact.

But absolutely no to a weekend contact at this stage.

Build it up slowly and routinely over the next few months. Your daughter has a right to contact with her father, and her new half sibling when they arrive. If he can demonstrate he can be consistent and dedicated to this, another healthy relationship in her life can only be a positive thing.

I hope your biopsy results come back well

frazzledasarock · 21/05/2021 10:51

I would email him back telling him you are happy to facilitate contact.

However, as he has not had contact with your DD for two years, it is in your DD's best interest that contact be gradually introduced, an entire weekend out of the blue is not in your DD's best interest.

Suggest a contact centre. I'd ring up the national association of child contact centres and find about three contact centres most convenient for you and give him a list of them and suggest he choose the one he prefers and book in contact for every other weekend for two hours at a time and then once your DD is happy and settled being around him you can both review how to move forward.

This covers you if he takes you to court for contact.

Do not tell him you will see him in court, Judges in my experience take a very dim view of that kind of attitude.

I'd also rally around friends and family ready to help you do handovers, so if his aim is to see you he fails.
Ex used to be foaming at the mouth if he didn't get to see me doing handovers. He tired to get a court order that I personally do all handovers. He failed.

BarbarianMum · 21/05/2021 10:52

Court is a good way of testing his resolve and tieing into a regular, sensible contact arrangement. Otherwise the OP and her daughter risk spending the next x long being messed around by him.

This is not a guy who gives a shit about his child, unfortunately.

frazzledasarock · 21/05/2021 10:56

Problem with court is that you can arrive at exactly the same arrangement you could without court. And the courts cannot force the NRP to actually attend contact.

But it ties you the RP in to having to schlep to the contact sessions as there is a court order and if you break it you will end up in trouble. I had a judge tell me I could face prison if I didn't turn up with the children to contact, and yet there was no such enforcement on twatface, who would turn up or not as he chose. The judge had no reason to even make that threat as I had always facilitated contact.

Plus OP will be a few thousand pounds lighter if it ends up in court.

Eviethyme · 21/05/2021 11:41

Why would anyone let a kid go stay with a man they don't know :S... He's a bit wierd to think that's okay to be honest.

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