to think that my mother's comments are ignorant?

[Justwingingit2021]

I'm due to return to work soon and I will have to send my 9 1/2-month-old baby boy to nursery soon.

I'd prefer to spend more time with him, but I want to return so that we have more money and luxuries, can continue to pay the mortgage and I also don't want to be in a bad position career-wise after being a SAHM mum for three years. I also don't want my DP to have the full financial pressure to provide for us and I also don't want to be financially dependent on him in case things go south.

My mother always makes comments when we talk about nursery, "This goes against attachment theory" ( some attachment theory that a child psychologist developed that she read about), "The children can't defend themselves, even if they don't want to be in nursery" blablabla.

I find her comments quite ignorant. She was a SAHM to four children, but our dad abandoned us when I was 10. We were always broke. The only reason why we kept the roof of our head is because we lived in one of our granddad's properties for free.

On top of that, she was sometimes physically abusive. I've sort of forgiven her that now because I think it must be super stressful raising 4 children as a single mother. We were 6, 10, 11 and 14 when my dad did a runner, so it was a very hard time.

I just think she's in no position to talk about the advantages of being a SAHM and attachment theory based on our history.

AIBU?

I forgot to add: We don't have family closeby, so nursery is a must

I think if Nursery is best for your child, who will be looked after by professionals whilst you are able to properly focus on your work and plan for the future, then that's what you should do. Your mother is entitled to her views but this is your child and your decisions take priority over what she's read, however well intended. 🌹

"Mum, this is the situation that best suits us. I will not discuss this with you any more"

What@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz said

Grandmother's job is to support her child in their parenting decisions, not impose her own views based on her own life and conditions. As a granny, I feel this passionately and it's a rule I'd only break if I thought a child was being actually abused.
My children (both of them now have children) make different parenting decisions to the ones I made. I hope they've never heard an even faintly critical word pass my lips. Incidentally I think they are both fantastic parents but I still would have occasionally made different decisions. But I'm not the parent.
Your mother needs to learn that she's more help to you in what is, after all, the most difficult job in the world, by supporting your choices and buttoning her lip.

With no family close by, what other option do you have? Plenty of children around that age go to nursery and they are absolutely fine 🙂

Considering your past, I wouldn't be taking parenting advice from her, sadly. It's hypocritical that she's talking about children not being able to defend themselves at nursery but was physically abusive to you and your siblings.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

"Mum, this is the situation that best suits us. I will not discuss this with you any more"

This is crystal clear and to the point. If she keeps mentioning it just change the subject or mention your own childhood and remind her how it often wasn't that great and you want to improve on that for your family.

Attatchment theory is a thing - it's been around since the 70's, wasn't just made up by a random. It's about the importance of attaching to a primary care giver that responds to your needs. In a good nursery those needs should be being consistently met by your lo's key worker who hopefully they will have a great bond with. Perhaps you could find out about your lo's nursery (if you haven't already) and then you can tell your mum all the positives, how lovely the key worker is, what a lovely environment it is etc.

Perhaps your mother has regrets about how you were brought up and feels protective towards your child. Motherhood is complicated and she had a tough time but you need to do what you think is best.

Your child will get more one on one time with a childminder rather than a nursery. He will see the same person each time and not have to compete with other children for attention.
I used to work in nurseries and would never have left a little one in one personally.

@Flimgalos

I see where you're coming from, but we decided against a childminder, as we're not comfortable sending a child that can't talk yet to someone's house. Abuse can happen anywhere, but we feel a nursery is safer as there are more people around that could pick up on stuff.

Also, the lady in our nursery that runs the baby room has been there for six years and the ratio is 3 babies per employee.

With a childminder we would also have the worry that he'd be in the car a lot, accompanying the childminder on the school run, or put in front of the telly.

The nursery we chose is 2 minutes walking distance, so I can walk him there every morning before I start work ( I work from home) and pick him up in the evening.

Just to point out - nurseries are often staffed by young women who don't have much experience in childcare settings. You might want to consider a childminder.

Your mother may have a point but it sounds like she doesn't really have a leg to stand on.

Babies in good quality nurseries do not show an increase in attachment difficulties. He will be fine!

She probably feels because you are doing things differently to her that you are judging her choices . Do the right thing for you and ignore her comments .

Jesus there is a lot of crap on here about attachment theory. It is most important to have a secure relationship with a primary care giver who is reliable and consistent (i.e. not abusive, unpredictable, self focussed). Your child will be fine and able to go to nursery just fine. There is some research that nursery educated children develop better social skills than those who dont go.

Just do what feels best and ignore your mums crap.

@snackmonster

I totally agree, staff turnover is immense due to poor pay and working conditions and the young girls whom I worked with spent more time talking about their sex lives than caring for the children.
I left in the end and went into social care as I was pretty appalled at certain things.

I'm always a bit bewildered by people banging on about childminders Vs nursery. Bespoke setting with multiple caregivers (extra safety from both accidents and abuse)I'm age- banded rooms; Vs some woman's living room with a bunch of kids of various ages, including almost always child minder's own kids who are always😯 going to be her priority over yours. I was put with childminders as my dad was snobby about nursery; I was badly mistreated, some of my earliest memories are of her neglect and unfairness. But being 3/4 I had no idea that this wasn't ok and would have been stopped if I'd told my dad. I remember being shut outside and not being allowed in to the use the toilet, soiling myself and then being shouted at. Being refused a snack while childminder and her family tucked into a hearty dinner in front of me. Being picked on by her older children and bitten by her younger one and not being protected. None of this would have happened in a nursery setting.

And before people go on about "well she was a bad childminder, they're not all like that" the point is YOU DON'T KNOW. You can't know. And that's why nursery is considerably safer for children imo

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

"Mum, this is the situation that best suits us. I will not discuss this with you any more"

This. And close it down every time she tries.

I suspect she sees your choice as a criticism of her choices.

You sound like you have very little respect for your mum. I think you should cut her some slack. It can't have been easy for her. She brought up 4 children as a single mum in a way that she believed was best. It is that experience she draws her opinions from.

@notangelinajolie

You sound like you have very little respect for your mum. I think you should cut her some slack. It can't have been easy for her. She brought up 4 children as a single mum in a way that she believed was best. It is that experience she draws her opinions from.

But she is repeatedly giving that opinion when it hasn't been asked for!

@notangelinajolie no it seems OP’s mum has no respect for her. OP wants to raise her children differently.

Rather than feeling criticised, OP's mum may hope that OP does better than she did herself and is trying to help that along.

Either way, tho, just tell her that you've decided on what suits you and that's all there is to it.

She abused you and you’re worrying about what she thinks of your parenting style?

I would just ask that you agree to disagree and request that she doesn't talk about it anymore. OP, I had the same concerns as you about childminders...the vast majority will be great but I preferred that there was more safeguards in place. My little one went to nursery at 10 months. We had a few weeks of settling in and since then, he has loved it. Most of the time he doesn't want to come home at the end of the day as he is having too much fun (just turned 2 now). I find good centres dont have high staff turnovers so the children have the same care givers daily. Mine talks about his carers allllll the time and wants to go and see them on the weekends 😀