FIL hurtful comment

[YummyButter]

DPs sister and her husband are expecting a baby next week. Her husband (BIL) suffers quite badly with depression, and I think he's struggling.

DPs parents are aware of how bad his mental health is, but have never been kind about it. When BIL has been quiet and down, FIL has made comments like "just let him get on with it, he'll snap out of it" etc. Last week BIL was struggling again, and DP was talking about it with his parents and asked if BIL was OK, to which FIL replied "Yea, he just has his bra strap on too tight".

Not my place to be upset about that specific comment, but I suffer with my mental health too and on Saturday night I attempted to take my life. I've had to take some time off work due to the trauma, and DC normally goes to DPs parents for childcare whilst I'm working, but I've wanted him at home with me whilst I'm off, so I've been lying and making up excuses to DPs parents as to why I'm off, but not telling the truth because I know that they won't understand, and they'll make fun of me and/or judge me. The last thing they would do is be kind, judging by my experience with them.

MIL has been asking DP if everything is OK, but he's just fibbed and said everything is fine. I'm really worried they'll question me and it'll make me worse, as I can't avoid them forever.

Not sure what my AIBU is, I just need some support I think, and maybe for someone to tell me how to deal with this without causing drama?

I’m so sorry, I hope you are feeling better 💐 just say you needed some downtime because you have been tired so took some time off and wanted to spend it with the little one. You don’t need to say anything else.

I’ve been where you are, I found counselling really helped, I hope you are getting some support x unmumsnetty hug x

Thank you I'm going to see my counsellor on Monday, as I couldn't face it this week because I knew I would break. I want to go when I'm feeling stronger and not a complete wreck.

Keep it low key, ‘GP told me to take a few days off because I’m a bit burnt out,’ should cover it. Then just bland, ‘fine thanks.’

Hope you feel better soon. Some people will never get depression and honestly it’s not worth trying to change them. Just look for support elsewhere. Tempting though it is to say something if they make stupid comments it’s more likely to upset you than change them.

I’m so sorry @YummyButter that you’re feeling so down. And glad you’re slowly getting better. I think if it were me and your DP is clearly supporting you here, I’d just say you had a tummy bug and didn’t want to spread it, didn’t want DC to take it to theirs if he had caught it etc.

It’s none of their business what’s wrong, I think it’s ok to lie if it means you’re not exposed to ridicule or invasive questions when you’re vulnerable. You can say you’re feeling low if you want to, if there’s a risk that DC might say ‘mummy was miserable’ or something like that but honestly I’d just lie and change the subject. They don’t need to know and you need to put yourself first. If DP is on board that he’s not going to tell them (because he needs their support to look after you), then don’t tell them.

Good luck 💐

‘Women’s problems’ always shuts down any further questioning. Hint at anything gynae related and FIL will run like the wind.

You don’t owe them any further explanation or need to consider their feelings on the matter until you are in a strong enough place to cope with your own. Do you have the support in place to address the reasons you feel taking your own life was the best option? I understand you are having counselling, but are there any things in practical terms you could focus on changing that may help you to take a forward toward recovery? Perhaps a few practical changes would give you some space and time before facing them again.

Your DP should be managing his parents expectations at the moment and buffering the questions while you focus on yourself for now.

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for all of the lovely, supportive comments. It means so much, more than you guys know.

@OlympicProcrastinator I have abandonment issues and I'm aware of that. On Saturday I had a few too many drinks and convinced myself that my DP was never going to let me see DS again, and that my life was over. I ran to the bridge above the motorway and desperately tried to climb it in order to launch myself off it. The scariest part for me was how determined I was to finish myself off, I desperately wanted it, but my friend pulled me down and got me home. If it weren't for her (or the huge barrier on the bridge that I couldn't climb) I would be dead now, and that's terrifying.

I won't be drinking again, that's the first step towards my recovery, the next step I'll have to talk through with my Counsellor, because I don't know.

I'm sorry you felt so bad that you tried to do that op. I hope you're getting real life support. Some people just don't understand mental health problems, maybe fil is just an awkward type of person who finds it easier to just make jokes rather than address the issues.

My mil wasn't supportive of my old and fil just scoffed at depression, it's ok, I'm just glad they've never had it and so couldn't appreciate the horror. I hope you're ok x

Pnd not old.

No idea why auto correct did that