To not want to be touched by someone I barely know

[Tswiftscat]

I'm trying to get some perspective on this to see if I'm being weird or whether the school I work at is.

We have positive handling training soon and we were given a medical form to fill out in regards to it and told to wear pe kits as we will be taking part practically. This means we will be physically touching each other (2 teachers in year group bubble). I haven't been there long so barely know people and my year group partner teacher is male.

I really don't feel comfortable with this for several reasons 1) I haven't physically touched a human being apart from my own children since before Covid, year group bubble or not I don't really think we should be touching each other!
2) I'm just not really ok with someone I barely know, especially a man touching me! I'm single since my partner died 20 months ago and I have been In a abusive marriage previous to that relationship.

I feel extremely anxious about the whole thing but also anxious about having to say I'm not comfortable with it. Seems bloody weird to assume it's ok, is it me or the school?

I've done Team Teach training a couple of times now. You need to not worry about saying something - it's your right to do so. For older primary they'll show you some fairly close-up holds and if you're not comfortable doing these with a man then you need to say something.

One of the moves at my first lot of training was showing us how to get out of a choke hold. I was not comfortable for various reasons with someone doing this to me for practice. But you have to show them you can do the elements to pass, so I was able to do it away from the group very quickly with a colleague I trusted, just once (and they barely even put their hands anywhere near me) with the trainer watching.

It is uncomfortable, but you have to make your feelings known. Then they can adapt where they can.

I am a nurse and a lot of our training involves touching each other (basic life support, control and restraint etc). The problem with this kind of training is that it's difficult to explain by just telling someone and it's provided to keep the child and staff members safe. I really don't know what the alternative is?

I had to do yearly control and restraint training when I was a mental health nurse,it was very physical and involved a lot of hands on,it was mandatory training for the job ,as there were occasions when restraint was necessary ,and unfortunately,you couldn't choose who you were on shift with ,speak to trainer .

Also ,I have a severely autistic son who is in a special school,who is currently displaying some extremely challenging behaviour,and I know they use team teach with him ,I appreciate your concerns ,but the children in your care also need to be handled safely .

I've been teaching for over 10 years and I've never had to do this training before, we've always just had a couple of staff who are trained in positive handling. This is also, out of all the schools I've worked in the one where it would be least likely to be needed -cohort wise. I'm only here on a fixed term contract and it is just causing me major anxiety.

Surely schools are meant to be inclusive and understanding not assuming everyone is ok with being touched by someone they barely know, especially during Covid! I haven't even hugged my mum in over a year but I'm supposed to allow someone who is practically a stranger to touch me?!

I've done team teach. Unfortunately there simply is no way to learn it without contact with others. Some of the holds are complex and need a lot of practice.

All I can suggest is that you have a quiet word with the trainer. You won't be the first to have problems with this. If you feel able to mention your past abusive relationship, I imagine they will do all they can to support you, and hopefully ensure that you're matched with female colleagues.

@x2boys

Also ,I have a severely autistic son who is in a special school,who is currently displaying some extremely challenging behaviour,and I know they use team teach with him ,I appreciate your concerns ,but the children in your care also need to be handled safely .

I understand this but I don't teach in a special school and I wouldn't apply for a job in one exactly because I wouldn't be ok with this level of touching. It's triggering for me.

I have the utmost respect for those that do but it's just an element of the job I wouldn't want to have to do. I have never had to have a child in my class positively handled in over 10 years of teaching.

Ah. I see you don't teach in a challenging environment, and this is a temporary contract.
If you're having severe psychological issues with this, I'd develop a cough that morning.

@Tswiftscat

I've been teaching for over 10 years and I've never had to do this training before, we've always just had a couple of staff who are trained in positive handling. This is also, out of all the schools I've worked in the one where it would be least likely to be needed -cohort wise. I'm only here on a fixed term contract and it is just causing me major anxiety.

Surely schools are meant to be inclusive and understanding not assuming everyone is ok with being touched by someone they barely know, especially during Covid! I haven't even hugged my mum in over a year but I'm supposed to allow someone who is practically a stranger to touch me?!

Yes, schools are meant to be inclusive. That's why everyone should be trained. What will you do if it's you in that situation and there's nobody near? Leave the child? The risk assessment has been done. Done again, and redone to include Covid protocols.

As difficult as the conversation is you need to raise this with your line manager or someone responsible for training oversight. These are 'additional skills' and schools obviously want as many staff to have them - but it's not a compulsory course.
I attended a compulsory advanced fire training course for one role. During it I experienced a traumatic response I hadn't anticipated. The trainer was brilliant and supported me to complete the training (without the video that distressed me) the following week. It might be they could adapt to support you, it might be you can't do the course. Good luck!

You’re doing this course so you can be safe and keep the children safe. How would you feel if you were put on a difficult situation and didn’t know what to do and ended up hurting a child or yourself?

The alternative is to contact the training company, if it's not something you want to discuss with your managers. Like I say, you won't be the first to be uncomfortable with this for very good reasons. They might be able to plan things so that the trainer works with you individually.

I don't think your feelings about this would be seen as odd or unreasonable. If I were you I would try and tell the course leaders. You really don't need to feel embarrassed about this.

You're required to undertake any training as deemed reasonable, as per your contract and the silver/burgundy book ts and Cs.

Yes it will feel strange. You don't have any reasonable exclusion not to participate.

Yabu.

If you cannot manage this, then maybe you need to reconsider the role altogether.

You may never have used positive handling before, but this school deems it appropriate. And tbh, I would be encouraging you to do the training to cover yourself! You just don't know what could happen.

I wonder if you'd have such an issue if it was a female colleague?

@BusyLizzie61 no school or training organisation will want to put someone who's been in an abusive relationship through something that could lead to an anxiety attack. They have a duty of care.

Not completing this course does not make OP's role untenable. She has explained that this school does not have the kind of issues that make positive handling a likely scenario. If it was essential for all teachers it would be covered in their initial training.

Looking back on my team teach training, a lot of it was about how to avoid having to use it. So that bit is still valuable.

Personally, OP, I'd contact the trainers and ask if you can use a medical excuse to avoid the practical. Or if it comes to that, turn up with a 'sprained wrist' (though you'll need to keep up that fabrication for a few days)

@BusyLizzie61

You're required to undertake any training as deemed reasonable, as per your contract and the silver/burgundy book ts and Cs.

Yes it will feel strange. You don't have any reasonable exclusion not to participate.

Yabu.

If you cannot manage this, then maybe you need to reconsider the role altogether.

You may never have used positive handling before, but this school deems it appropriate. And tbh, I would be encouraging you to do the training to cover yourself! You just don't know what could happen.

I wonder if you'd have such an issue if it was a female colleague?

To be honest in this particular situation where I've only been here a few weeks and barely know anyone I don't think it would make a massive difference if it was a female colleague. I think it would be less triggering with someone I knew well and trusted.

However due to my past experiences being restrained or touched when I don't wish to be by a man is incredibly traumatic.

A bit precious imo.

Are they training you in restraint? Or will it be the kind of "safe touch" where it's more about how to not grip, side on hugs, guiding and directing by the elbow and the like? I can't see a reason why blanket training in restraint would be necessary in a mainstream school.

Talk to the trainer and explain what you are not able to participate in - they do not need to know all the details of why and they will be aware there are loads of reasons why a person can't participate e.g. someone with a back injury cannot fully participate in restraint training - and there may be elements where they can certify you as a having witnessed the training rather than fully completed it

@JemimaJoy

A bit precious imo.

Don't be a dick, have you read that OP would find it traumatic due to her past?

I have been in a mainstream school that did blanket training for all staff. It's a bit silly practising on colleagues anyway. A colleague and I once 'restrained' our rugby player deputy head teacher who when asked to try to stand up essentially just lifted us up of the ground on each of his arms. You can't even practise the holds for infant age children on colleagues. The trainer always emphasised how false it all was trying to restrain a compliant, placid colleague anyway. Speak to your head OP and the course leader - I'm sure they will find a way to help you.