Issues with Friends

[Bella3031]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to get some feedback on this issue as it really confuses me. I have fallen out with 5 friends over the last 6 years. And as much as I can reason with myself as to why each friendship ended, I feel so hurt and so anxious that what I think of myself is completely wrong as to how people see me. I honestly don’t think I have intentionally gone out to hurt anyone and when I have asked my husband, mum or sisters they conclude it wasn’t my fault. My mum had a frank conversation with me after my recent falling out and said I should just concentrate on my family life and work and forgot about friends but this makes me feel so sad. Just to give some context I have listed the reasons for the falling out as best according to me:

1. this friend suddenly become rude, very judgmental just after I had my baby and I cut down the time I used to speak to her as it was making me feel crap. She then blocked me on all social media. Never got an explanation

2. this friend made very hurtful comments on my weight gain after baby and after I confronted her she blocked me!

3. Longest friend, this friendship breakdown
   Was the most painful for me. In hindsight I can see we grew apart but she was massively influenced by her family who developed a sudden issue with me after I got married.

4. This friendship was very one side in her favour, she never made an effort and but she would call when she needed advise for school or nursery applications etc. Other time she would be very cold and distanced, just stopped talking.

5. this friendship was the most difficult, so many boundaries crossed. We have very different lifestyles and she claimed I was very unhelpful but I explained I am busy and in my free time I can’t help someone else.

I'm getting the impression that you gave a lot those friendships and they have trouble accepting that your baby is your priority now. Maybe some jealousy for your new life and lack of understanding of the demands of being a new mother.

Also you are probably less tolerant of their own self-centred behaviour these days.

I haven't had any fallouts since becoming a mum but I certainly see a lot of meet-ups on social media that I am glad I have not been invited to!

It sounds like these changes happened after you got married and/or had a child and I think that is pretty typical.

When you no longer have major parts of your life in common anymore, you and friends from your "previous life" are likely to go your separate ways.

And you separate from other friends because you are just much busier than you used to be.

The last two you mentioned seemed to be in the same situation you are. But they wanted to only use enough of their time enough for whatever they wanted or needed from you, not to give back.

These are the busiest years for many people but the demands gradually lessen and then there's more time and energy for friendships again.

I honestly don't know.

Your mum/family might be right or the devil might be in the missing detail and it might be one of those things no-one here can make their minds up about, without hearing from your friends.

There are two sides to every story and obviously we're only ever going to get one here.

Not helpful I'm afraid but there you are

they sound like a bunch of knobs and you're much better without them OP.

Focus in your family. 🌸

Your mums right- friends come and go. Although they are nice to have they can drain you too. Your mum having lived life understands this and can see you getting worked up unnecessarily. You'll meet new people in time but for now you need to let these people go. Its hard but its better to be more reliant on yourself. Nowadays i talk to whoever i meet and make acquaintances but i dont have expectation of long friendships with people. I have a few friends but if i lost them id get over it quickly. You cant afford to be continually upset by people when your a mum and wife.

It's hard to say with so little information. It coul be that with big life changes (marriage, baby) some friendships naturally fade away or reach a breaking point. It could also be that you're unintentionally rubbing people up the wrong way (maybe talking too much about yourself or making comments they perceive as hurtful) and that's why people have become rude and distant. It could also be that you're too sensitive and what you perceive to be rude or distant behaviour is just someone who is busy or thinking about their own life. I would try to reflect honestly on your own behaviour but don't become paranoid, it's not unusual for friendships to drift or end.

This happens with major changes in life. It could be because you grew, moved in different direction and your friends don't understand that, or now you can see clearly who is a real friend. There are some behaviours you put up with when you were single, but now that you have a family, you have other priorities and you value your time more. I had couple of friends fall out after getting married. It hurt at first but now I am happy and I focus on my family and the great other friends I have.

Maybe you have inadvertently chosen friends who are takers and now you don’t have so much time for them, they have dropped you? I hope you meet some other nice friends soon at baby related activities or other avenues.

I do think that some friendships are short term and people change over time and different interests mean that they move on.

I was very friendly with a small group of girls at school and one moved away, one got married and had 4 children very young and the other with me had a mad social life for a few years and stayed close. We then went our separate ways. Without mobiles lost touch. We now are so different that those childhood memories feel like different people.

Try to think on the good things of the friendships and make new ones with people with similar interests/things in common.

It is painful. I have a friend of 20 years who is choosing to remain child free and has developed a real issue with me since I had a child and now with another mutual friend who has also recently had one.

We had a big falling out last summer, which was surprisingly painful. The pain was almost like the end of a romantic relationship. I called my mum in tears. We were so close. She even introduced me to my now husband.

I think I've continued to be a good friend since becoming a mum. I have a lot going on in my life to talk about other than my child, pre-covid we were still meeting up regularly for weekends away etc. I have a number of other child free friends. But I can't make my child vanish and I won't pretend he doesn't exist. We've reached an even keel now, but it will never be what it was.

Sometimes, you have to let people go. Build new relationships with people who know you and like you as you are now.

Hi Everyone, thank you for your comments. I wrote this late at night which is never a good thing. I think what I wanted to get from this post is that it’s not unique to me, because I can’t help but feel that I am the common dominator in all these situations. I feel like I should change somehow just not sure in which way to sustain friendships in the future.