Who am I?

[Notsureatallonno]

With apologies as this is a very indulgent question.

I don't really know who I am. My father left when I was 6, my mother told me it was my fault that he had gone, my school told me I was an embarrassment with my personality and my behaviour, and ever since I have tried my best to fit in and be what people want me to be.

I'm in my 40s now and don't know who I am. For most of my life I have actively tried to be unobtrusive. I don't really mind, I am very lucky indeed and have a wonderful family of my own and a decent career, which is far more than my due. It has been hard as sometimes people have seen my personality as fake and not trusted me, which I suppose is understandable as I probably try to cover a lot up.

But I do wonder who I really would be if things had been different, if I hadn't spent most of my life trying to fit in and avoid trouble and if I had been free to figure out who I should be. Is it too late for this, and is there any way I can do it? Thanks. Also, apologies as I know how how whining and unnecessary this question is.

I'd maybe explore in therapy or do some 'free child" activities, art or whatever you enjoyed as a kid :-) so sorry you felt responsible for things that were way beyond your control,

What a sad thread...

Firstly I’m really sorry about your childhood. Quite clearly you were reacting to events that weren’t your fault,

I would join as many groups/try as many different things as you can. See what you love. Your gut will tell you when something feels right.

Enjoy!

you have lots to work out.

You've had a hard time, I think it'd be really useful to get help to work it out, maybe counselling.

One thing I do know is you are not what other people say you are, that is just their opinion and they may have their own reasons for saying those things. And the things you've achieved are not more than your due, you didn't take them from someone else.