Help!

[Sunnyjac]

This is blatantly not an AIBU but a cry for parenting help. I’m struggling hugely with my 11 year old DD. She has what I can only describe as tantrums or meltdowns almost daily. Not diagnosed with anything. I think it’s likely hormones and the fact she’s 11 with the underdeveloped brain appropriate to her age. I would love your advice on how to help her find ways to cope, and ways for me to keep my cool. I’m usually able to until she starts on her younger sisters. Recommendations for parenting books would be gratefully received as well. I lost it this afternoon, ended up shouting at her and we both ended up in tears. It was horrible and I need to do better. Please help

Sorry didn’t mean to enable voting. Feel free though

I strongly recommend the book the explosive child. It has totally changed how we parent with great results. Good luck. It's tough!

I think she’s at the younger end of the age range that are considered most affected mentally by covid - they said 12-13 yo girls, but obviously there’s wiggle room in that.

I’d speak to your gp about getting her some counselling. We had some for my Dd and it really helped. Happened quite quickly too.

Thanks both, will be getting hold of a copy of the book, sounds like the sort of thing I’m looking for.
She had some counselling last summer but I’m not sure it did much. Always keep it in mind though

What’s home like? Who’s there? How do they all interact?

When my eldest was around 10 (after an asd diagnosis but I still think this is of benefit), we couldn't leave her alone with her sister for fear she would hit her. She was so temperamental and explosive. Her dad couldn't deal and I was losing my ability to.
I read somewhere online about how as parents they need us to control their worst explosions for them as often they just can't.
I tested it once when she was arguing with her sister. I grabbed her and held her tight and didn't let go. I said nothing. I just held her. I could feel the rays of anguish flying every which way out of her. It was startling. And I held on. And after a minute or so I could feel the rage subside. Her breathing slowed and she almost melted into me.

We both then held each other. A few years on and now she comes to me to be held when it is too much and she needs to be called 'back down'.
It's so hard. For both of you. You have all my empathy as it just drains you.
This may not help, but on the off Chance it does...

Have a read about trigger stacking particularly in girls on ASD spectrum. My DD can be similar we do lots to minimise the things that she finds hard but if there’s too many of them through out the day it builds up and she can’t help but then explode when’s she’s in her ‘safe place’ at home. The ability to hit soft things like the sofa cushions can help, or spinning around outside or jumping on the trampoline, then like the other poster said sometimes just being held in a hug can provide that safe feeling to release. It’s like a sensory overload release for my DD, and different things she finds soothing. At school she’s dream pupil they have virtually never seen the behaviours we see at home...shes an expert masker there.

DH, me, three girls. Generally a calm happy environment, we do things as a family. I do the majority of childcare and ferrying around in term time, DH does more in the holidays. We do generally cope well but are getting increasingly frustrated with her. I feel like she now expects me to get annoyed and that triggers her sooner in a situation. Probably true, I don’t feel like I respond as calmly as I should. That probably doesn’t help. At times she gets on great with her sisters, other times less so. She’s quite ‘needy’ in that she doesn’t like doing things independently, whereas the other two will. She’s also very slow in terms of getting ready, being organised. Again, very different to her middle sister who is only 20 months younger but markedly different.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea I do sometimes try to hold her. I’d like to think I can calm her but it’s not really worked. Will keep trying.
SSwimCycle21 I have wondered if she is like that. Definitely feel like I get the brunt of it because she knows it’s safe for her, even when I don’t manage myself well.
Thanks for the support

Everything you have said sounds very similar to my 9.5yr DD. I’d read up on ASD and sensory triggers in girls. My DD is hitting all academic milestones at school she’s bright but emotionally/socially struggles a lot. School can’t ‘see’ anything but after doing my own reading over the last two years she ticks so many ASD boxes, plus somethings are now starting to overspill at school. They have started to let her have some self regulation time at school in the form of quiet 10mins at lunchtime, doing one lesson in a smaller intervention room, walking around outside for 5mins, has a fiddle toy in her pocket, lots of small changes have reduced her trigger stacking and I’ve had less outbursts at home because she’s not emotionally exhausted by keeping it all together at school all day. I’m very concerned about how she will cope at secondary and interestingly that’s the point when ASD often gets diagnosed in girls because they can’t keep masking. I hope you find a way to help her and relieve the pressure on you as well as it’s such hard work especially when you have other children who don’t struggle but she’s not doing it to be difficult she’s just not coping with life at the moment and her outbursts are the only way to relieve it.

SSwimCycle21 thanks for the advice and suggestions. I’m starting to research what you have suggested and hopefully we’ll start having a calmer, happier home!

Bless you, OP! Wanted you to know you're not alone. My dd, also 11 is very similar. School and GP involved CAMHS as she started having meltdowns in school and had one in front of GP too. She is violent when she loses it. Lashes out mainly at me.

But things seem much calmer this year. I've put it down to various reasons. I am much calmer with her. Sometimes I don't manage it, but I try to talk to her in a soft voice when she is kicking off. If I hold her it makes it worse in the short term but if I let her go, she will damage herself or someone else. She says she hates it when I hold her so a bit lost on that one. The outbursts used to last for hours! Now usually a few minutes at most and she seems to be able to talk herself down. School are great with her. They've made lots of small adjustments like having a safe space for her, a box of calming activities for her (colouring, fidget toys) she has had mentoring and counselling. She is a happier kid and actually doing really well academically too. I also know what triggers her. I can see when things seem to be building up and I'm getting better at distracting it. Her younger sister is good at helping too (her sister appears to be a trigger in that she is a bit jealous of her as she's very popular at school) although she's started recently winding her up . To self regulate when she's angry, she goes and bounces on the trampoline. It's been used more in the past two years than ever before.

Get a meeting with school. Don't be afraid to tell them what she's like at home. They probably won't believe you are first but keep it up. The school referred us before she had her first violent meltdown at school but once she did, they pushed the extra support.

Regarding secondary. It obviously depends on the school. I think my dd will be fine but mainly because I work there and know staff etc. I think the main issue with secondary is having to know how lots of different teachers are and act appropriately for that member of staff. Also different teachers are better at understanding the need for being mindful of working with students like this.

user1471530109 thank you for the sound advice, will be looking into all of that!