To be losing my rag (parenting/bereavement)

[jmscp]

Posting here for traffic.

I lost my mum suddenly and unexpectedly last Monday.

I'm 29 and have a 3 year old daughter. Now the string of visitors has dwindled I'm really struggling just to not lose my shit with my beautiful daughter. Just for being her.

I just can't cope with the constant change of activity, lack of understanding etc etc.

My partner "got on" with the garden today so I've been solo parenting all day with her. Gotten out the house, bought a new activity (kinetic sand). That lasted 5 minutes.

I'm really struggling - I just need somebody to tell me I'm normal. I love her so fiercely but I'm ashamed to say I have lost my temper a couple of times and shouted and her little face drops and I immediately feel awful.

I've tried explaining my feelings to her but let's face it - she's 3 and she's just acting as such.

We have told her, she has just accepted it which has been explained to me to be a perfectly normal reaction for her age. I know however she's still bound to be unsettled.

I just feel like I've got that much going on around in my head I've not got room for anything else. Without her I'd be even more loss but I just need some advice on how you'd handle it.

I want to add again - I KNOW this is my issue, I don't feel any ill feeling towards her I just need to know how to cope.

My partner "got on" with the garden today so I've been solo parenting all day with her.

Can you ask your partner for more support? These 'child avoidance activities' (we called them that in this house) aren't great. Can she be out in the garden 'helping' with weeding?

Also bereavement counselling? Somewhere to talk is good.

I think you need to ask your partner to make sure they are pulling their weight and a bit of yours with the looking after of DD.

Ah you poor divil. I can completely empathize with what you are going through. After my father died my patience levels plummeted and I struggled with "idiots". I have a 4 year old and you need so much patience with them, which is the last thing you need when you are grieving and just want to curl up in a ball and cry for your Mam. I am sorry you are going through this. I would be honest and tell your partner you need a job swap so you do the garden and spend hours outside while he looks after your little one. You aren't a bad person you are a lost soul who is grieving hard, you will never "get over it" but with time you learn to live with it.

So sorry for your loss @jmscp You absolutely are normal. I lose my shit with my 3yo sometimes. It's part of being human. The craving for just some peace and quiet or simply for them to just occupy themselves for a while is really overwhelming on occasion!

You're grieving. Be kind to yourself. Your little girl won't remember you shouting at her. Is her understanding good? Maybe you could tell her that mummy is sad because nana has gone to heaven and you miss her or something to that effect?

@MrsTerryPratchett

My partner "got on" with the garden today so I've been solo parenting all day with her.

Can you ask your partner for more support? These 'child avoidance activities' (we called them that in this house) aren't great. Can she be out in the garden 'helping' with weeding?

Also bereavement counselling? Somewhere to talk is good.

Child avoidant jobs ! Going to use this one again

Poor you😥 You need time and space to grieve so your partner needs to step in more.

Your DD could’ve gone out and helped her dad in the garden. Children normally love that sort of thing.

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through OP and please don’t blame yourself. Second the previous comments- you need to call in support from your partner and friends to help. You need some headspace to deal with your grief and looking after a very small child is frankly exhausting at the best of times. Be kind to yourself. Sending you much love and sympathy xx

Perfectly normal, it’s ok to be sad and angry with everyone and everything. You say your partner is ‘getting on’ with the garden, is there any reason he couldn’t let your daughter ‘help’ to give you a breather for a bit or even all 3 of you do some gardening. Getting outside in the air and physical exercise helps clear my head.
Now we’re allowed to meet up, is there a friend who could take her for a play date for an hour or two?
Above all be kind to yourself, your mind will be whirling at the moment, you will feel better in time.

Completely normal. My dad died at the start of the year, and I really struggled with patience with my toddler DD for the first few weeks. And that was a death that we knew was coming after a miserable illness.

Tell your partner you're struggling and ask him to take the lead for a while.

Your partner needs to take your child for a bit to give you some headspace.

It's still very new for you, of course this is going to be difficult. I'm sorry for your loss can your partner take your daughter for a bit every day for you for now? Some time to yourself, might give you a chance to process things as I can understand that's so hard with a three year old around. I realise your daughter is also a distraction too. It can be very conflicting when you've someone who relies on you but you're needing support your self. best wishes.

So sorry for the loss of your Mom OP. This helped me: 64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief. I couldn’t grief for about 18 months as I was so angry. Be kind to yourself, it’s early days🌹

I'm so sorry .

You're just not in the right frame of mind to be dealing with a 3yo right now. It's not your fault - you need space to process your loss.

Your partner needs to step up. Tell him to take your DD and go and have a hot bath. Or get out of the house and go for a long walk or run (when the weather gets better).

Ask friends to babysit or book a babysitter. Use the TV as a babysitter if you have to.

In terms of making sure your DD feels secure, I think focus on bedtime and when she wakes up. If you can be "happy mummy" (even if you feel like screaming) when you tuck her into bed at night and when you greet her when she gets up in the morning, I think you can let a lot of the rest of it go.

Of course youre normal. Grief quite often surfaces as irritation. Id recommend listening to Griefcast and getting your partner to take over as much of childcare as possible.

Completely normal and I'm sorry you're going through it. My DF died just before lockdown last year and I nearly lost it with DD for doing nothing wrong. Your DP needs to not do the childcare avoidance work, tell them you're struggling and you need to be able to just walk out to have time to yourself. You're in early days, don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and supportive advice.

I've had a chat with DP and he took what I said on board, he although definitely was doing the whole "child avoidance tasks" (god how true is this!!) he also thought I would find her a comfort (which I absolutely do and don't know where I'd be without her) but he now understands I just cannot cope with a full day of a 3 year old due to all of the things going through my mind. We had a good chat and sorted it all out.

I've booked in a couple of activities for him to take her to, grandad is coming to take her for a walk tomorrow.

Thank you all for reminding me I needed to look after myself

So sorry for your loss op. It's absolutely normal. Is she in nursery? Can you pay for any childcare or get any friends to help?

Sounds good.

All the best

Luckily she is in nursery, who have gone above and beyond for us. ❤️

That should say part time nursery obviously 🤦🏼‍♀️

Wonderful. Glad to hear he meant well so wasn't being selfish, good to know he's knowing more now. Please take time for yourself whenever you can or whenever you need.