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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What's the ideal age gap for siblings?

16 replies

Overthebow · 19/05/2021 13:59

Our baby will be one in summer, so starting to think about when we might like another. What age gaps do you have and what do you like most/least about it? What's the ideal gap?

Disclaimer: I know it might not work out to plan at all, but I would like a rough plan so we can save etc.

OP posts:

AFS1 · 19/05/2021 14:01

You’ll get a full range of responses. The simple answer is there’s no good or bad age gaps - it depends on the personalities of the children and how well they gel.

I’ve got nearly a 6 yr age gap between my 2. I would have preferred a smaller age gap, because they don’t have much in common, but at least it removes a lot of sibling rivalry because they’re at such different stages in life.

MeadowHay · 19/05/2021 14:05

Yes, I agree that there isn't one size fits all. It depends on your own family, lifestyle, finances etc. Plus you never know how long it will take to concieve too.

Our DC1 will be about 3 yrs and 3 months old and it took us about 4 months to concieve. We would have started about 9 months earlier but for financial and career-related reasons that wasn't really possible. However now I'm glad that we didn't anyway now I'm starting to panic about having two of them this close together never mind much closer .

Frenchfancy · 19/05/2021 14:05

18 months to 2.5 years.

We have 20 months between our 1st 2 (now both adults) worked really well as they basically grew up together and were always at similar stages. We have another 5 years between them and DD3 which definitely isn't ideal. She was a toddler when they were into big childrens toys, wanted to play with them as they got into their teens and didn't want to play any more, and now is on her own with us as they have, for the most part, left home.

I should have had a 4th to balance it really but too late now!

Checkingout811 · 19/05/2021 14:07

4 years between DD & DS1. Best of friends, completely inseparable, shared interests & always play together.
20 months between DS1 & DS2. Very rarely get along, different interests, different personalities. DS2 much more like DD in personality. Also gets along with DD & has 6 year age gap.

alabaster11 · 19/05/2021 14:07

There's no ideal.

13 month gap here. Hard work, but getting easier as they get older.

goose1964 · 19/05/2021 14:08

The worst is when a baby arrives at the same time as the oldest goes to school. If they're clingy they'll seriously resent the child because they blame the baby for their school years starting. You'll no doubt get loads of replies saying their children have this age gap and they're fine. I have four years between my eldest and youngest and they fought like cat and dog.

Checkingout811 · 19/05/2021 14:10

@goose1964 I actually do think the exact opposite. My DD had just started school when DS1 arrived and it was perfect.
I got to do all the baby classes, took him swimming etc
DD loved coming home to baby DS.
With DS2 I already had a toddler so swimming, sensory, massage etc were all out.
We did Playgroup’s but not the same.
I wouldn’t say mine were fine, I’d say they are fantastic.

Mumoftwo1990 · 19/05/2021 14:19

@Overthebow

Our baby will be one in summer, so starting to think about when we might like another. What age gaps do you have and what do you like most/least about it? What's the ideal gap?

Disclaimer: I know it might not work out to plan at all, but I would like a rough plan so we can save etc.

Between 3-5 years I've found most people recommend, then they're at different stages but not so far apart that they aren't close

Iliketeaagain · 19/05/2021 14:28

There is no such thing as an "ideal gap" 1 there is the gap that you plan / hope for and then there is the actual gap which depends on you conceiving.

I have nearly 8 years between my 2, I would have liked 4 or 5, but Mother Nature had different ideas.

I suppose the other thing is that you also probably need to decide what gap would be unreasonable for you, and then make a decision to stop trying to get pregnant at the point that the gap would be too big from your own point of view (much easier said than done if you struggle to get pregnant and always think it might work next month).

PigsEnigma · 19/05/2021 14:36

DS was 3.5yrs when DD came along. We're only 10mths in but he adores her and vice versa - I hope this will last. He's at nursery a few mornings so I get some time with DD and then in the afternoons we have family time. DS starts school in September so I'm looking forward to getting DD out and about a bit more - it also means than when I go back to work a couple of days a week the grandparents only have the one of them to look after. It's not the age gap we wanted, we wanted them closer together, but I'm pleased it happened has it has as I think the age gap for our circumstances is perfect.

CheeseIsMyJam · 19/05/2021 14:37

I don't think there is an ideal. But I would say my brother and I were very close in age (14 months) and it wasn't great for us. We didn't get on that well when we were kids anyway but it was made worse by too much overlaps in friendship groups, if that makes sense.

SwimBaby · 19/05/2021 14:38

I’ve had a tiny gap and a massive age gap and both gaps are perfect for my family.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 19/05/2021 14:41

I have 3 children My children have age gaps of 6 years between DD1 and DD2 and 2 years between DD2 and DD3
With my eldest and second the gap was lovely at new born age. I found it so easy. Now they don't really have much in common as DD1 is a teenager and she doesn't want to be around younger kids.
When I had DD3 I struggled a little as DD2 still needed a lot of attention. However now they are 7 and 5 they are the best of friends. They literally play together all day. They are inseparable.

Strikethrough · 19/05/2021 14:42

You might like The Second Baby Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, it has some chapters to read before you get pregnant.

OodieWoodie · 19/05/2021 14:44

For the kids, I don't think it matters. If they get along, they will get along at any age. If they hate each other, they will at any age.

For parents, I'd say 2-3 is ideal. I have a 2 year age gap and it worked for us. There is 3 years between my siblings and I, so six years in total.

I personally do not understand parents having another one as soon as the eldest is going to school. That was the time when I was getting my independence back. I couldn't face going back to prams, nappies and sleepless nights again by that age. I was well and truly done by then!

SwimBaby · 19/05/2021 14:46

CheeseIsMyJam a had the opposite experience to you, my DB is 15 months younger than me and I loved growing up with him. All ages were good but particularly the teenage years, we went out with others friends and would often go nightclubbing together.

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