communication with exwife when cooparenting and when is it classed as crossing the line?

[Wheelyyyy]

This post folows on from a recent post i made about my DP's youngest facetiming their mum and the etiquette / whats reasonable and unreasonable. I had some lovely responses and great ideas.

Since my DP has told me a couple of things that has left an uneasy feeling in my stomach. So im here again...this time id like to ask where is the boundary in this situation. its kind of a grey area.

DP and exwife were married for 19 years. They were said to have grown apart, exwife cheated, they tried for a little longer before calling it quits. Now coparent 50/50. Live 5 mins from each other. Exwife is now with the man she cheated wth and hes living at her house and he never really left the picture.
Exwife has an issue that DP is with someone (me), unhappy im around her children, when we have had contact...Im blanked, death stares lol etc

The conversation me and DP last night was him telling me that his exwife is now in counselling and has admitted to him and apologised because she knows its unfair but cant help it. He also said a few other things which sounded as if they have been having lots of conversations about emotional stuff and them getting used to the new landscape of divorce and both moving on. Also been in the house and had a few snyde remarks about photos of us.

i feel a bit betrayed for being kept out of the loop and wondering what types of conversations theyve been having. Cross that ive found out all this after the fact.

they have to communicate and it sounds like theyre looking ahead on how to make it all work but I have an uneasy feeling.

In this situation......where is the boundary? when is it crossing the line?
AIBU for feeling like this...is it normal?

If he didnt have kids and he was talking to an ex about the end of their relationship and the emotions involved Id find it hard to be cool. It would just be too weird for me and unsettling

[SpongebobNoPants]

How long have they been split up OP? And how long have you two been together?

[Wheelyyyy]

They have split 3 years. a year of that was living together while they were trying to sell the house. he ended up buying her out as she wanted a fresh start (another bone of contention because i go to the house).

We've been together almost two years.
They were still fairly close when i came along - christmases together with her parents, events like that. Shared accounts for both houses like netflix etc... I came along and that slowly changed. Whenever anything changed there would be alot of back flack.
I get it but i dont at the same time.

i asked him what would he have done if I hadnt have come along and he said he'd be doing the same thing as before as he would have had no reason to make changes.

[Wheelyyyy]

Sorry im rushing about. Ive missed out on punctuation in my posts lol.
It looks hard to read but i hope it's still understandable

[JulianBaggins]

It's tough, people will come along and say it's normal, she was his wife, they have kids together etc etc... And whilst I can understand why it could be seen that way when kids are involved I don't think it makes it any easier for you as your DPs partner so no I don't think YABU for being uncomfortable with it.

My husband doesn't have an ex wife but if he did and he were having reminiscing conversations with her about the end of their marriage and talking emotionally like that, I'd find that hard and I wouldn't like it even if it is understandable from an outsider's perspective.

[Wheelyyyy]

Appreciate hearing that @JulianBaggins . Thank you

[Shinesun14]

I wouldn't like it. It doesn't matter even if 100 people said they wouldn't mind, you do and your feelings are valid.

How does your dp see his co parenting relationship going forward/where do you fit into it and are you happy with the future he envisages?

[bridgetreilly]

I think that you both need to recognise that
(i) he has to have contact with his child's other parent
(ii) it will be better for the child and everyone if that contact can be not only civil but friendly
(iii) both parents need to be free to communicate anything and everything that is said to their current partners
(iv) there are things about you and his relationship with you that are none of her business and he should not be discussing with her.

It would be good practice if he lets you know whenever he's talking to her and for you to establish some ground rules about things that he shouldn't be talking to her about.

[Scarlettpixie]

I assume you have found out about the conversations because he has told you. I think it is better if they can remain friendly. I don’t know see a problem with them talking about her being in counselling and about their separation. Are they still married? Some people would be fine with it, some not. I think your DP should prioritise his child and if he feels that includes being friendly and supportive to his ex, that is fine (and I would say good).

How you feel about it is up to you though. It sounds like he changes things when you bring them up even though you don’t live together like the Netflix and family Christmas. I still share a Netflix account with my ex after 3 years. He has a new DP (the OW). I would think it odd if she asked him not to share and more so if he did as she asked. They use my Now TV account so it works both ways. I will never be friends with this woman but I can’t get worked up about her watching TV I pay for and presume she feels the same.

[VeganCheesePlease]

She will always be in his life and they will always be linked by the kids.
My BiL separated from his wife. The relationship was toxic but now they're apart they actually have a really good co-parenting relationship and I think that's pretty common.
I think you need to decide if you can accept her always being there and them always having a friendship.
If you were the ex wife, how would you feel about your private conversations with the new partner about things that may well be private? They had a relationship and although it didn't work I'm sure they have lots of happy memories and will always have a type of love for each other, even though they're not in love anymore.

[Wheelyyyy]

@Scarlet. They both wanted to change christmas last year and have it with respective partners

@Bridge i appreciate your post. Ive got something to go back to him with re open communication and basic groundrule of not discussing certain aspects of us.
Agree its better if communication remains friendly. Its knowing when its crossed a boundary...i finding difficult to gauge.

I.e we'd both been cheated on and id said to him from my point that if he found himself messaging someone that he then felt he needed to delete of hide the message....that, that is where i consider a line to be crossed. Hope that makes sense

@Shine. Thank you. Honestly just hearing people say that is a relief.
Im a reasonable person, trying to navigate this...i want the best for everyone and i want to protect myself too

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

Sounds like they still have issues to work through with each other to move on properly. Ideally neither of them would have got a new partner until they’d sorted themselves out!

[Wheelyyyy]

@Shine i like those questions youve asked...
I know hes said it would make life easier if we both sort of parent, when the children are at his....
I.e if theyve been a bit naughty or needing food if hes stuck on a business call or me backing him up if he's on the ropes (theyve tag teamed him and wearing him down)
And we do that to certain degrees....it works

But i think ill chat more about it to him with your questions in mind

[arcof]

If they've been split 3 years, how long have you two been together? Sadly 3 years isn't that long post divorce just to be over it if they were together 19 years.
But if he's sure that the relationship is now platonic, and can assure you of that, and you feel ok about it, then I would just encourage him to not hide the conversations with her, and be open with you about them if you want to hear it. Alternatively you may be happier not to hear anything about it at all. It's about trust - if you trust him and that he doesn't have feelings for her then there's no issue. If you don't trust him, time to reevaluate if the relationship is right for you.

[Wheelyyyy]

@gertrude
This is what my gut tells me. That they are still going through a process..

[Freddiefox]

I think they still have things to work through, to be honest 2 year isn’t that long to have works through 19 years of marriage, neither parent gave themselves much time to heal from what must have been a difficult time.

She will always be in your life, and sometimes it maybe rocky and hard to have boundaries that don’t move. Only you will know what you are happy with.

[Shinesun14]

@Wheelyyyy it might also be a good thing if you and her can be friendly after she's worked her issues out in counselling. She's been self aware of her behaviour towards you and sought support for it/her feelings. If you can let go of it and she can let go of it you'll feel a lot better about their communication as you won't feel threatened.

My dds ex stepmum was similar to your dps ex. We made friends and we're still friends now even though neither of us are with him. On the other hand my dss mum is a nightmare (think screaming bitch at me as I was sat in the front seat and dss was in the back) and I wouldn't even entertain any friendship with her bar a hello on the door step because of the way she is. Her seeking counselling does show that she is able to recognise her behaviour and wants to make a positive change so I'd probably give her a chance.

[cadburyegg]

He also said a few other things which sounded as if they have been having lots of conversations about emotional stuff and them getting used to the new landscape of divorce and both moving on

This sounds normal to me tbh. They were together a very long time. When you meet someone who has kids already, it’s not just them you have to factor in. It is their other parent too. She will always be in his life. It is up to you if you wish to accept that. He shouldn’t be discussing your relationship with her. But anything else is fair IMO

[Aquamarine1029]

Sounds like a lot of drama and unfinished business I couldn't be bothered with, honestly.

[3scape]

For me, my ex has no involvement in my emotional life and I would not entertain discussing my partner, now husband with him for eg. So I would definitely be uncomfortable if reversed. It sounds like they've not given each other much space and she's putting A LOT onto her ex by talking about her counselling to "deal with" your husband having moved on from her cheating ass. 😳
It's difficult but talking to your husband about keeping things about the kids so all this adult baggage doesn't affect the relatio ships the children have might be your genuine and best safe angle to crowbar in some boundaries from these snide comments of hers. You and your husband are a team and indeed husband and ex are another one in terms of children. The children need to feel as though everyone is there for them. So snide comments don't belong. Good luck!

[Jellybabiesforbreakfast]

Sounds like a lot of baggage for you. How dedicated are you to the relationship? I'd be tempted to say let's take a rain-check. To be brutal, you're not weighed down by kids and things shouldn't be this complicated for you. The early years of a relationship pre-kids are the fun part.

If he's the love of your life, fine. But it's also fine to say that things aren't working for you (for whatever reason, including the kids). It's not your role to work around everyone else and try to keep them all happy. Don't be a martyr.

[Wheelyyyy]

Thanks for all these replys...
I definately better than i did earlier today, about things.

I have some food for thought

[Wheelyyyy]

Oops

That was meant to say.....i definately feel better than i did earlier