To keep avoiding them because of how I then feel?

[Hidingunderablanket]

DHs family are lovely in many ways, and none of them live near to us. So we’ve had a lot of zoom calls this year, a family messenger group, all sharing things that have been going on and updates on the children.
But it’s getting to the point that I can’t stand the endless updates and plans and activities because I’m left feeling so down and boring.

I like my life, I have a nice home, good job, kids are doing great at school and with their friends, DH is brilliant, I have lovely local friends, our little world is fab. I am completely happy with my day to day existence.
But because we’re not planning to fly off to Portugal next week, or booking luxury holidays, spa days, parties or fancy meals out we’re being boring and ‘homebodies’ - said in a negative way. And it makes me feel so boring and with nothing to say or contribute, but only to them. The rest of the time I’m perfectly fine.

It’s nothing to do with covid, everything they are doing is permitted and they obviously want to do it, just as I am happy not to do those things. I have never passed comment on it to them and I wouldn’t. My DC are the oldest of the cousins and have missed so much school etc that I won’t take them out in term time now, so the fancy holidays and days out aren’t really an option due to cost at peak times, but I don’t want those things anyway and having asked the kids if they want to do things, they really aren’t bothered either.

It’s got to the point that I’ve muted the messenger group and will look at it once a day when I’m feeling ready for it, rather than be bombarded with photos and videos all day long. I’ve unfollowed on social media because they’re relentless with the posts. A big family gathering is being planned for Father’s Day in a few weeks and I’ve already made sure I’m needed at work that day to get out of it. DH can take the kids if he chooses.

I know this is all on me, I need to get a grip on why I feel this way around them. But until I can get to the point where I understand my reactions to it all, AIBU to just avoid them entirely? And why do I react like this?

Are they just a big bubbly family that is generally overwhelming? The sort who chatter over each other and no one hears what anyone has to say, but nonetheless, they all seem quite happy anyway?

If they’re making you feel down and boring, are you sure that you are happy not to do that stuff?

I could understand finding them full on and overwhelming regardless, if they’re big on over sharing and chatting and planning and you’re not - but down and boring seems quite particular. It sounds like a strong signal that you’re comparing yourself and you would rather be doing some of the things that they’re doing.

It doesn’t matter either way, but it’s worth being honest with yourself about why you’ve got those feelings, because you’ll be able to solve them better that way. If you want to do more; you’ll be able to look into what you can do, and what you want to do, and get some things organised. If you’re feeling boring despite not wanting to do what they’re doing anyway, you’ll be able to assess why and how that is.

But you’re not unreasonable to mute them if you want to, at all. And as long as your husband doesn’t mind you avoiding them, that’s probably okay too.

Do they call you ‘boring’? If so, that’s unkind and would explain why you feel bad afterwards. I think muting and unfollowing is fine, but maybe you can also find a way of asking them not to be rude about your differences?

Are they saying you’re boring or are you just being insecure?

Did they actually call you boring?? Either way, you feel the way you do so a bit of time away is probably best. I'd feel overwhelmed by the amount they post but I'm guessing this will all calm down once it's not such a novelty anyway. It does sound like you're comparing your life to theirs to a degree, I suppose if it's a constant stream of what they're doing and where they're going you're bound to sit up and take notice more than if they weren't. I wouldn't worry too much about it all and just dip in as and when you feel you want to.

Keep the group muted and don't look at it. There's no obligation to look once a day. If something on there is pertinent to you then your DH will mention it as it's his family and his responsibility.

Yes they have called me boring before now. I had a few days off work while the kids were in school, and when I was asked what I’d done I said that I’d decorated a room that I’d been wanting to do for ages, finished off a craft project and a book I was reading and had enjoyed, and sorted out a lot of things around the home, and that I’d really enjoyed it all and was pleased with the outcome. I was told that was really boring and time off work should be about holidays and trips, never mind that dh was still at work and the dc at school. When I said that it was actually lovely I was ignored. This was all on zoom so I appreciate it’s not always easy to pick up nuance but I was left feeling rubbish.

I have really thought about if I am jealous, but I honestly don’t think so. I wouldn’t want to have their frantic busy lives. If I did have a holiday it would be so different from their own choices, and I don’t have a problem with that myself, each to their own. But I would never say how awful it sounds, at least not to their face!

They are all very outgoing and yes, talk over each other and it’s always very busy when we have seen them. DH is the quieter one of the family and has always said he coped as a child by doing his own thing and letting them get on with it. This is what he does even now, and would tend to go and play with the kids at family events which avoids a lot of the comments. Maybe he’s so used to it all it doesn’t seem to bother him.

I’m still trying to work out if it bothers me that they think I’m boring, and if so does it really matter. Probably overthinking it all again. It’s just easier to block that whole area off as day to day, in my own space, I’m completely happy.

Hi OP it sounds as though you are just a different type of person with your own likes/interests that don’t match theirs and whilst you actually seem quite happy and confident with that, they seem to have more difficulty accepting you as you are. Well that’s their problem! You seem to have a good understanding of your feelings so just carry on being confident in who you are and don’t allow them to make you doubt yourself x

Bloody hell they are rude! I'd avoid anyone that unpleasant

DH is the quieter one of the family and has always said he coped as a child by doing his own thing and letting them get on with it. This is what he does even now, and would tend to go and play with the kids at family events which avoids a lot of the comments. Maybe he’s so used to it all it doesn’t seem to bother him.
So why are you choosing to involve yourself to the degree you are?

Aren't they rude!!!

They are very rude. It annoys me so much when certain louder, gregarious people assume that their way to behave and enjoy themselves is the only way to have fun. Many quieter people enjoy solitary or gentler pursuits, some people even enjoy doing nothing!

I think you should withdraw a bit as you’re doing. Respond only when you want or feel up to it. If they persist in calling you boring then mute them permanently!

I agree with the other posters who say that you have different interests to them. I would rise above it and don't let it get to me but also withdraw a bit and keep at the distance. This reminds me of a time we went to my SIL one back holiday eve and she asked what did I do all weekend, i said not much gave the house a good clean and caught up on ironing . She said oh how boring was that. I just sweetly responded it may be boring, but it has to be done, houses dont clean themselves and its great i am going home to a clean fresh house and can relax.

Borrow his coping strategy. 😁👌

I would have thought its your DH's job to stay up to date with their dreadful chatter. You really shouldnt get bogged down with them. Just stop checking their updates, and feel good in yourself. It all sounds a bit passive aggressive.

I decorated a room that I’d been wanting to do for ages, finished off a craft project and a book I was reading and had enjoyed, and sorted out a lot of things around the home

Shit, that's way more than I manage on a few days off and that's not boring!

Learn to respond to them! If they call you boring 'It's not boring at all, I LOVED it, I don't want to go away on my own without DH and kids, I'd miss them too much.'

So you're not being nasty, but just changing the narrative.

I think youre pissed off at being held up to their standards and found wanting, whilst accepting their choices. Why cant some people accept that others are different and that thats ok? They sound really tiresome tbh.

On a practical note I compare a lot less after reading how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. I have my own goals and measure myself and my life against them. It also means Im not searching for validation from other people for my choices.

Just stop doing the flipping zoom calls! Let h deal with it

Back out and back away

Sod what they think