Do middle aged men find it even harder than women to make new friends

[Stressedout65]

Dh & I are both mid to late 50's. I've carried on working & he's been furloughed forever & I think it's getting to him. He used to have "his" crowd but it seems to have fallen by the wayside due to various reasons. He's still in contact with friends from his youth but they like doing different things & he doesn't feel like he's got anything to say to them anymore. He's quite a shy man but can hold his own when you get to know him. He doesn't help himself cos he likes to do things like fishing, his garden which are quite solo things. He does prefer it if we go out together to socialise rather than without me as I'm louder & more confident.
I recently had a catch up with my friends & it hit home to him that he doesn't have his own little crowd anymore. Coupled with months of furlough & he suddenly felt very isolated, lonely & he's got bored housewife syndrome. We meet a couple of my friends with their husbands & they get on absolutely great but he would never feel comfortable asking them to go out on their own for a catch up. Its not what blokes do is it really. The husbands of my friends, his old youth friends & workmates are still his friends in my opinion. They all speak very highly of him, sent him messages of support when I was in hospital with covid & I'm sure would have been there for him if I'd died from covid. Now its all settled down again he's feeling very isolated at home, like a lot of people. I've told him that he's got to get used to this as in a few years he'll be retired anyway & he'll have to find a new way of life. Has anyone else's husbands managed to find "their crowd" after retiring, or is it even harder for men?
Sorry this is so long by the way!

I’m a middle aged woman and I find it harder to make new friends now that I’m older. So easy when I was young. With Covid restrictions it’s even more difficult. So, I don’t know if it’s harder for men than women or it has more to do with individual temperament, personality, circumstances. The circumstances right now make it harder. As restrictions ease hopefully it will become easier for your husband.

YANBU OP. DH is in his mid 50s and in a similar situation. We’ve moved a lot so don’t have old friends around, plus a combination of working in a female-dominated profession, not having a lot of time for hobbies and living in a culture that’s very family focused (no Friday evening pub meet ups even before Covid) has meant he’s made very few friends over the last ten years. I made a lot of good friends here thanks to baby groups etc and working part time, he didn’t have that opportunity.

I’m not very sure what to suggest to him. I hope when eventually he retires he’ll have time to pursue his hobbies and join clubs etc - he enjoys that but just doesn’t have the time just now (he’s a teacher). And pubs finally reopen today where we are! So he will be able to grab a beer with the friends that he does have at last.

He does feel that men tend to need a reason to meet up - football, drinking, etc. Whereas I’ll meet my friends for a walk and a blether much more casually, we don’t need a reason - it’s being together that counts. I think he’d find it hard to say to a friend that he’s lonely and just wants to meet for a chat.

My DH is pretty introverted and only has a few mates. He's quite anti group organisations but loves the idea of joining or setting up one of these when (if) we retire. Not for everyone, but I think it's an inspired idea! I hope things improve for your DH as the world opens up a bit ⚘

menssheds.org.uk/

My DH is quite like this. He got quite matey with a couple of guys at park run but that’s been suspended. He is in a gaming group, they don’t speak but do message. I always think if I died first he would be lonely and that if he dies first I would struggle with some practical stuff becuse I have a very serious problem with my back but I have lots of lovely friends who would help me through it.

I think it’s mainly an individual thing but when I think of the chats in queues at the post office or the loo I do wonder if women do chat more freely.

I wanted to make new friends so I joined a cricket club at 46 years of age. I now play cricket every Sunday (April - September). We go on tours to Devon and Spain. I now have 6 close friends who I go to the pub with as well as going on holiday with them.

You can make new friends but you have to put in the effort.

Would your DH join the Rotary. Get together for a purpose, then the members often socialise together and friendships form. Or a conservation group, again you're there for a purpose so conversation is more natural and the volunteers often socialise.

I think it’s mainly an individual thing but when I think of the chats in queues at the post office or the loo I do wonder if women do chat more freely

Of course it's individual, there's no specific male/female difference in anything, human traits are always a spectrum, but for the trait of being able to make new friends in later adulthood, men do much worse than women, at least partly because male friendships are more often defined by shared activity, and the opportunity for new activities is smaller, it's hard to start new things alone when you're older.

It's also why Golf, Cycling etc. are such popular hobbies, because they're easy to get into activities where "typical" male friendships can be fostered.

Yes.

Dp doesn't keep much in contact with people from his younger years.

Even with people from his football or walking group he barely sees.

He's quite content with me he says as he's quite introverted but I wish he would go out and meet others sometimes.

He does struggle socially and never really fitted in with his mates he just sort of tagged along

He should go out and find some volunteer work. National Trust for example have gangs of mostly men from what I see out on their estates clearing bushes etc. which would use his gardening skills. I’d be seriously thinking about finding a different job rather than languishing on furlough for ever. Even doing deliveries or in a supermarket would be more beneficial for his mental health and give him some interaction with others. But I agree with your basic premise- if it wasn’t for the golf club my DH would be in a similar position.

I am retired and have groups of friends including neighbours, old colleagues, book club, sewing club, and pre-covid my volunteer job.
My husband only seems able to socialise where alcohol is involved, he's not an alcoholic it just seems to be necessary to oil the wheels. I think it a shame.

Thinking of the difference between my late dad and my mum at or around that age, YANBU OP. Apart from three lifelong friends my dad had who by then lived elsewhere (sadly one died just before the pandemic and it felt like a part of my dad had gone), I cannot recall anyone he became friends with in larger life. Charities and other groups he belonged to were his source of contact/socialising. Whereas my mum has several friendships to this day that were made in her 50s and 60s.

From an observational perspective, I've always thought men have it easier! They can wander off to the pub -alone - especially one with Sky Sports, they can turn up to watch the football/cricket/golf/rugby or whatever, they drop in and out of a conversation with whoever is around, eventually, they collect in their own little niche. A lot of old fellas even just go for coffee and company and a chat, it really isn't about drinking, it's about the company. Many of the older fellas go in at lunchtime for a bite and a pint and chew the cud on the papers, or sport. Bowls or golf is another one. I've watched this for years in the local pub. Men are like clockwork! Women don't have the same drop-in-drop out environment plus women relationships tend to be more emotional and keep their relationships.

With our principal social group, it stems from infant school, we're all approaching 60, so this friendship group has lasted nearly 55 years BUT it is the men who are at the core of it. They went to school together, they played beer belly league football together, some of them worked together, they golf together, they meet up on a Friday night together.

It depends if he wants deep and meaningful chats or someone to go for a bike ride with.

Dh has his 4 times a year pub and a meal mates - but my dad is constantly out with golf, or doing a walk with his U3A buddies, or a weekly meal with his Rotary mates - on top of the organised activities he does with U3A, Rotary and his dance class Perhaps it gets easier once you stop work entirely? Although DF retired two years younger than DH is now. He's also the type of guy who will talk to anyone whether they want to or not and will give anything a go.

This makes me a bit impatient. On the one hand, you could say that it's an instance of patriarchy victimising men as well as women, but on the other, men have long had considerable power to shape the world they live in, far more than women, so it seems to me that if men don't engage in friendships, it is by choice -- even if it is recognised that this is one of the contributors to male MH issues and the higher male suicide rate.

I do think laziness and some vague but pervasive idea that maintaining friendships other than the most basic 'down the pub/work colleagues' situations is 'wifework', is also a big part of it -- as though friendships are some kind of 'women's specialism', like remembering your mother's birthday. I know so many men in their fifties and older who just piggyback on their wife's social life, or who, when not at work, just sit on the sofa gaming or watching TV.

I got to know someone in his early 50s via a former job who used to mention friends, but once I got to know him better, I realised that these were friends he'd had when he was at university nearly 30 years earlier, and whom he'd almost never had any contact with since.

Incredibly, his wife, who had tracked them all down via social media to invite them to their wedding (he didn't use social media, and didn't have up to date contacts for any of them -- he married aged about 35), friended them on FB and apparently relayed him their news, which apparently gave them both the illusion that he had some form of friendship group, even though I don't think he's seen any of them in about 20 years now and makes no effort to stay in contact 'because Wife does that for me.'

Actually, I've just remembered that she also contacted and asked one university friend to be his best man!

Now they're divorced, so he has almost certainly reverted to having no friends at all. He's a lovely man, interesting and funny, but he's just too lazy to even keep up with old friends on social media, far less make new ones. Even if he's lonely, which he is, he's not lonely enough to do anything about it.