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AIBU or did he gaslight me?

14 replies

Tatteredlace · 18/05/2021 20:49

So a little bit of background...

I found out that my DH was smoking weed last year behind my back. He wasn't working due to Covid, I'm a keyworker but also own my own business and was working nearly 18 hours a day to make ends meet to pay the rent... I had suspicions that he was smoking it, I would smell it on his clothes or in his car, he kept telling me I was being paranoid and going crazy. One night I searched through his phone when we was asleep, not something I have ever done in our 10+ years of marriage but I wanted some reassurance. I found messages to his dealer and immediately woke him up to confront him. Turns out if was going on for months... I worked all that time, terrified of covid and completely exhausted to try to feed our children and pay the bills and he had been spending it on drugs. I lost all trust and respect for him.

Fast forward 10 months and it's the same situation, I smell it on him, in his car etc. He works away and I'm off work with an injury. Money is tight. We have moved and the rent is more expensive. I tell him that I feel like I'm losing my mind, I am paranoid and find it difficult to believe him when he tells me it's all in my head. He works away and already spends too much on beer every night when he does. I'm concerned.... push comes to shove. He finally admits that he is smoking again, but I should just accept it and stop being stuck up... he thinks it's 'socially acceptable' these days.

We have 2 small children. I feel like my world has imploded.

AIBU? Should I just accept that he wants to smoke weed? Am I being over the top, has he spent 10 months gaslighting me?

WTF do I do now?

OP posts:

3scape · 18/05/2021 20:54

Kick him out. At least then when you get back to normal you won't be subsidising his partying it up.


sunlight81 · 18/05/2021 20:54

You know this guy is freeloading and gaslighting you ... otherwise u wouldn't have posted. Sounds like a complete arsehole and I'd be definitely weighing up my options - can u survive without him?

And to confirm cannabis isn't a widely accepted drug and is definitely socially unacceptable. I don't smoke it, none of my friends smoke it and should my husband then I would be re-considering our relationship status!!


DeusEx · 18/05/2021 20:56

Gaslighting freeloader. Out.


Minstrelsgetinmybelly · 18/05/2021 20:58

Nope, I would not accept my DH smoking weed.

I think it would be a bit of deal breaker for me. I don’t trust that it’s not affect the brain, reactions to situations and it costs a lot of money.

I’m not a fan of smoking in general so maybe that sways me.

I don’t think everyone is doing it and I don’t think it’s acceptable. I would worry about having two small children around him and does it increase and future health issues for them? People still breath our toxic fumes upto 30mins after smoking, not sure if the same for weed?


TopBlogger · 18/05/2021 21:02

What would you NOT throw him out?


Tatteredlace · 18/05/2021 21:11

I have massive issues around drugs... he knows this. If my employer found out that he smokes it could have repercussions on my own career. I hate drugs and everything to with it. It's always caused tension because his friends smoke and 'their wives have no issue with it'.

When I found out what was happening last year I was devastated, he lied to me and I felt like the trust, love and respect had been shattered. I chose to believe that he had learned his lesson, we moved and agreed to give ourselves a fresh start.

I feel like he has no respect for me. Because his mate smokes and drinks and his Mrs doesn't care, he feels like I shouldn't either... But I do. Why should I work my arse off in 2 jobs whilst keeping house for him to spend everything on alcohol and drugs whilst telling me that I'm literally going crazy?

I just want to know that I'm not crazy, I'm not going mad and I'm not in the wrong for having a problem with any of this 😭

OP posts:

seensome · 18/05/2021 21:19

Chuck the lazy loser out he's good for nothing.


SarahBellam · 18/05/2021 21:20

You are not mad, you are not crazy, and you are not on the wrong. He just wants you to think that you’re mad, that you’re crazy, and that you’re in the wrong. What man does that to someone he’s supposed to love?


PuntasticUsername · 18/05/2021 21:20



User0ne · 18/05/2021 21:34

Both me and DH used to smoke pot. Neither of us do now and with 3 small DC I wouldn't be impressed if he took it up as a habit.

More important to me though would be his disregard for your financial stability; spending too much on drink etc so that it's impacting the rest of the family. That plus the lying would end it for me.

How long is the tenancy? Can you plan to move somewhere cheaper without him when it's up.


BrilliantBetty · 18/05/2021 21:37

That's not a relationship I'd want to be in.
You can't trust him... he's been lying. Gaslighting and using family money on drugs??

The whole thing is just a kick in the teeth really. You'd be better off without.


Ugzbugz · 18/05/2021 21:52

How would you feel if he was doing coke?

I'm no angel but what's the difference 🤷🏼‍♀️


billy1966 · 18/05/2021 22:57

What a waster.
You poor woman.


Charlieiscool · 19/05/2021 08:59

He is dragging you down and exhausting you. He brings nothing to the table. Nothing but a burden. You deserve a life without this and when you do move on, a point will come when you’ll wish you’d done it sooner.

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