I feel like a bad mum

[OneBoardin]

I'm so apologies if this is in the wrong place.

I'm a mum to a 16 year old, I had her young and her dad was never involved. I then met my now ex when dd was 5. We had 3 children together and they're now 6,5 and 3. I split up with my ex 2 years as I found out he was having an affair and since then he hasn't had any contact with the children as he's gone with the other woman.

I just feel like a bad mum as my 6 year old refuses to eat anything other than: cornflakes, chicken nuggets, cheese sandwiches, toast, crisps and he'll only drink apple juice. When he was younger he'd eat anything until he got poorly when he was about 3 and now he won't eat much and I feel awful as he doesn't eat any fruit or veg.

My 5 year olds behaviour is awful! He hits, bites, punches, kicks etc and he's even been doing it at school 😞. If he doesn't get his own way he just screams and hits until he does.

My 3 year old still isn't potty trained and he still has drinks in his bottle and a dummy which makes me feel awful. He's also started to copy my 6 year old by refusing to eat certain foods but luckily at the moment he eats almost everything I give him but he does occasionally cry and refuse to eat.

I just feel like I've messed up!! I don't know what I want from this post maybe some advice?

Oops I meant ‘I'm new’

I think we all as parents feel like this... and whenever I say anything of the sort to friends they always remind me that if we care enough to realise these things then we can't be that bad. None of these problems are that bad its just together they seem harder. Maybe focus on one thing at a time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is really hard and you've had a rubbish time. Could the anger from your 5 year old be him getting his feelings out? Not understanding etc. Our school offers counselling,is this something he could access? Also on the other hand he won't be the first 5 year old to act this way. My 5 year old daughter told me how she kicked her friend the other day . Just praise the good and ignore the bad where you can. Don't worry about potty training, you have done it 3 times before and can do it again..probs will be easier than you think.

It's somehow part of the role, the constant guilt. You are doing the best you can with no support so I applaud you! Their dad in the other hand 😤

I love super nanny on tv, great advice on setting boundaries and has tackled food issues too?

OP this sounds really hard. I really urge you to speak to your school about it. They have programmes in place to support parents and children, whether it be ELSA sessions, Play therapy or counselling. I work in a school with a very minimal budget and even we are able to offer these services. Speak to a member of staff you feel comfortable with or put it all in an email.

They are still little and you have your hands full. Have you got any support?

Being a solo parent is different to being a single parent, I know lots of single parents and couples, but only one other solo parent. I'm a solo parent through relationship ending, friend is a solo parent through bereavement. Finding someone who understands the enormity of being the only one to meet children's needs and make all decisions is scary and at times at overwhelming. I'm 8yrs into solo parenting, at times it feels an overwhelming responsibility but the highs are amazing and you will feel empowered. My best advice is to reach out to health visitor/schools/nursery and be honest about wanting support, actually being brave enough to ask for help was a turning point for me.

No, I don't have any support. I'm just so upset that my son is still in nappies and he's going to be 4 at the end of this month. He also still has a dummy but I have tried to wean him off it so he only uses it when he's asleep. I'm just worried for when he goes to school in September as he’ll need to be toilet trained but I tried taking away the nappies over easter but he wasn't interested at all in the potty/toilet and he had lots of accidents that upset him a lot.

And he won't even drink out of a cup he just refuses to drink

It sounds like you need a win! Sometimes it feels like all there are are parenting "failures" and when you are parenting lots of Kids by yourself the onus is all on you, and the guilt is massive.

But do you know what? Those parenting "failures" are not yours. All the successes are yours, all the failures are the result of you doing this alone. These men swan around with not a shred of guilt and us women are meant to pick up all the pieces and when our kids don't get the attention they want or need we blame ourselves. There is a whole parent missing, so of course it's going to take a little bit more time to get them to where they need to be. You are not alone. There are so many single mums pulling a double shift with absent exes, and even though I can't take the double shift away, let me tell you this. The guilt is not yours. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You're those kids saviour. And he is just a dick.

Gosh this sounds really hard OP. You really have your hands full, I imagine it's completely overwhelming trying to meet everyone's needs on your own. As a pp said contact the school for support or a health visitor for help with the three year old.

I too would take it one step at a time. Write a list in order of importance and work through it one by one. So work on say the toilet training first until that's cracked then move on to the dummy etc.

Make sure your 6yo is taking a good multivitamin until your ready to tackle the food and perhaps if it's possible (without causing a meltdown with the other DC) try to keep your 5yo up for an extra 15/20 minutes or so after the others have gone to bed and give him your full focused attention/play a game/build a tower whatever he likes to do. I did this when my DD was going through a bad behaviour patch and the one to one time made a real difference.

You're doing an exceptionally difficult job don't be so hard on yourself

If you aren’t abusing and neglecting your children then no you aren’t a bad mum at all.

Re your nearly 4 years old, have you tried different bottles? Take him to any supermarket where they stock the kids bottles and let him choose one and make a big deal out of it so he’s excited to try and use it and wean him off the baby bottle cold turkey.
Re potty training, how’s his speech and understanding? Does he watch his brothers use the big toilet? I will start by being nappy free during the day to pee in the toilet and wearing a short/pants.

1. You are not a bad mum.

1. You need to tackle one problem at a time.

• Find a multi-vitamin the 6 year old will take, and also get the GP to refer the 6 year old to a dietician.

• Get the 5 year old referred to a paediatrician via the GP so they can assess the 5 year old to figure out how best to support the child.

• My son wasn't toilet trained until he was 4.5 years old, so at 3 years old I would leave it for the moment. Wait for warmer weather.

The 3 year old probably drinks from a bottle as it is comforting, which isn't surprising after the year we've had. The last year has been stressful for all our us, including our children (at no fault to anyone, it's just the way it was living through a pandemic).

My son is 9 and has the same diet as your 6 year old. He also used to eat everything. I contacted the doctor the other week because he is constantly getting ulcers in his mouth and I put it down to lack of vitamins. The doctor agreed but in my head I had visions of SS coming to steal him away while I was thrown in the back of a police car all because he won't touch a bit of veg. Obviously, that's ridiculous but mum guilt will do that to you. Your child is fed and has a mum who gives a shit about him. You're doing great.
As for toilet training, I tried loads of times with my son and it never clicked. In the end he just randomly stayed dry and started using the loo of his own accord, like flipping a switch. It was a week before his fourth birthday.
The worst things we can do as mothers is look stuff up (what age should my child hit X milestone etc) and compare ourselves and our children to others. Those mums you think have everything sussed probably look at you and think the exact same. None of us are perfect, but there's no perfect way to do this job either.
Give yourself a break OP.

Thanks for your replies.

I will phone the GP later. When I got home from the school run my 3 year old ds was dry which was surprising! So I sat him on the toilet and he did a wee, I praised him etc. I asked him if he wanted to wear pants but he said no. I'm thinking of letting him pick some pants when we next go shopping as hopefully it'll make him want to wear them.

@OneBoardin

Thanks for your replies.

I will phone the GP later. When I got home from the school run my 3 year old ds was dry which was surprising! So I sat him on the toilet and he did a wee, I praised him etc. I asked him if he wanted to wear pants but he said no. I'm thinking of letting him pick some pants when we next go shopping as hopefully it'll make him want to wear them.

That's a great idea getting him to pick the pants :) and wonderful news about him using the toilet :D

You will get through each hurdle and continue being the great mum you are!

Today he's done well! He's had quite a few wees on the toilet and he's had a lot of stickers (he wasn't interested before but today he has been ). Tomorrow I'm going shopping so he can choose some pants and a new bottle

When mine were small I used to feel like this, everything I did felt like it wasn't good enough and it is soul destroying.
I adopted the mantra "all fed, none dead" and decided if I met that standard, that would have to do.
They're a bit older now and everything feels much less overwhelming.
You sound like a bit of a hero, to be honest. I struggled massively, and I had support.
Remind yourself daily that you are doing great