Is it a good idea to let mum move near us?

[readtforthewkend]

Mum lives an hour away in our hometown, all our family is there but she rarely sees anyone, my brothers pop in now and again and she goes to see her mum every two weeks.

She has been offered a lovely little flat 10 minutes from my house in Shropshire. I would love for her to be by us but worry she may depend on us too much.

We will be there to help her majority of the time but we still love our family time and won't see her everyday as we work and kids are at school etc.

She will have to get use to a new area, bus routes doctors etc.

Not really an AIBU, just wondering what other people think.

To "let" her
She's presumably an independent adult, it's not your place to let her do anything...

Ah you know what I mean it's not even like that.

You can’t really stop her…

You can have the conversation about getting to know a new area, the travel to see her mum, not having friends in that area. However, if she’s young and her network is only 1 hour away then those points might not be deal breakers for her.

I don't see the problem.

"Let her"?

set out ground rules in advance - and be aware that things may change if she gets frail as she ages.
Moved my father into a sheltered flat a few years ago- I shortlisted half a dozen developments - he chose one about fifteen minutes drive from my sister (He didn't drive, she did) .
It worked out reasonably well, she used to drop in about once a week I think. I was about an hour and a half away, and generally went every two weeks.

How do you propose to stop her if everyone tells you you shouldn't 'let' her?
She's an adult she can decide for herself, you don't really get a say.

I’d be grateful to have her so close, embrace having her as part of your support network and in turn becoming part of her support network. Not sure if you meant it but you sound a tad selfish asking if you should ‘let’ her move closer to you.

How old is your mum? Is she able to make new friends easily? How would she get to see her own mum?

Set ground rules before it goes ahead. It would worry me too that she would be completely dependant on you if she's going to be 1 hour away from the rest of the family. As someone else said, how will she easily visit her mum? What about friends?

Ignore the people getting shirty about your phrasing.

I think it depends a lot on your relationship and how old/capable your DM is. Does she want to move and is she keen to throw herself into making new friends and new hobbies, or will she be a bit of a hermit and rely on you from the off? I don't think the latter would be good for her, it's so easy to become reclusive as we age anyway. Equally, if you've got a good relationship and she's quite happy to put new roots down it could be a great opportunity.

I think the OP means "let her" in the sense of letting her assume the OP and her family will be very frequent company and moving on that basis.
It is a good idea to think of these things in advance and be clear about what you can offer OP.
My Dsis moved to be near our family recently and a big factor in that was that we would be available for meeting up etc
She needed to know that as she could have moved closer to friends if we weren't going to be able to make time for her.
So as a pp suggested discuss how she would travel to see her own DM and if your brothers are unlikely to drop in any more as she is further away maybe talk to her about planning a monthly visit with each of them on different days.
Be clear about how often you and your DC will be free to see her too.
If she is imagining daily visits and that's not possible after she has moved she could be very hurt.

I think you have to let her live where she wants to, and I don’t think you have to set ground rules for her, she’s not a pet. However, you can perhaps have a chat about what her expectations are for once she’s there. If you don’t want her to be involved in your family life, you should probably tell her so she can make a sensible and informed decision. It does sound though that you do want to see her regularly, which is most likely what she wants too.

You sound as though you're saying you're not prepared to replace the social contact and support she has. Which is not unreasonable. It sounds as though she'll have more support where she is. Longer term that will be better.

Could you have a chat with her along the lines of “it’ll be lovely for you to live so close to us, family life is pretty busy for us especially during the week and we’d love to see you x amount of times a week/month or whatever you’re thinking. It gives her an indication of what to expect before she makes her decision.

You can’t make her stay where she is, but I would definitely be saying you are busy, you won’t be able to see her more than twice or whatever a week. Is she planning ahead for when she needs personal,care?

Are there people or events/places in her hometown that your DM will miss? I assume hometown means that your DM has lived there perhaps for 40 or 50 years or more.