...to feel so angry and worried over brother’s behaviour...

[Rhiani]

I have a brother who persuaded me to give him a sum of money after we and our cousins inherited some money some years ago. At the time I wasn’t thinking straight, on my own with kids, my mother had also recently died. I gave my brother the money after he convinced me that I should. After realising my mistake I have always regretted it.

It has recently come to light that a few years later, my brother was gifted a huge sum of money from a cousin. As a result he hasn’t done a days work in many years.

He is now obsessing over my fathers house sale, trying to make it as attractive as possible to increase the value and trying to persuade him to move to a bigger house. He is in his 80’s and wants to downsize and free up some cash.

My father realises what is going on and also suspects that my brother has logged in to his bank account and knows his financial affairs. He suspects that my brother has befriended various relatives and turned them against me. Apparently this is currently the case with another elderly uncle of ours. If I tried to tell him he wouldn’t believe me. My father says he’s been brainwashed by my brother.

I would love to walk away from the whole situation as it is making me feel ill but my father needs practical support from me that my brother doesn’t see that he needs. He doesn’t believe in covid or conventional medicine and my father has to hide some of his medication in order to avoid a confrontation with my brother.

My kids think he’s mad and keep well away from him. Unfortunately I’m unable to because of the support my father needs.

Can anyone explain to me what is going on with my brother and how to proceed for the sake of my sanity and for the people around me that I care for.

I am annoyed with myself for getting so wound up about it.

Sounds like he's just after whatever money he can get his hands on and he doesn't care who he hurts in the process. Just don't give him anymore money and make sure he can't get hold of your dads - has your dad got a POA?

Thanks for your reply. No he hasn’t got a POA. I think my Dad is intending on leaving him money in his will and my brother is probably expecting it. I don’t know what to do about a POA. Maybe we could ask his sister.

What kind of a person does this though. What category are we dealing with? I’d love to know.

Why do you have to still see your brother if you see you Dad? Does he live there?

I'm sure you have worked out that your brother is looking to encourage your Dad to contract Covid (and die) and avoid medical help (and die). He just wants the money I guess.

If your Dad needs more practical support then you can help him arrange that, you shouldn't need to physically become his carer.

If you think your Dad is vulnerable and at risk of financial or physical abuse from your brother, then you should talk to your Dad about becoming what he needs to do to protect himself.

If your father is right about his bank details being invaded, and from the other things you say about his financial affairs and medical needs being interfered with by your brother, this could amount to elder abuse. Could you get advice from Age UK - they are aware of this type of problem, and may be able to advise you and your father. To protect yourself and your father, it might be a good idea to ask your Dad to give you financial power of attorney, and also health and welfare power of attorney before your brother does the same thing.

Thanks for your advice Hyacinth.

Panda my brother doesn’t believe there is a pandemic. He doesn’t work and leads a sheltered life.

Power of Attorney; your father needs to attend to this sometime soon.

Watches some alternative news channel online

Mad as a hatter and completely deranged apparently

His beliefs are putting your Father at risk though op. Even if he really believes Covid isn't real and medication is bad, he isn't entitled to push that view onto to someone who's health may suffer as a result.

Your father needs to see his solicitor to appoint you as his PoA and set it up. If he’s not capable of that then, unfortunately, the solicitor would probably not be allowed to do it.
Your uncle /wider family being made suspicious of you is very hurtful, but ultimately not to your brothers benefit (surely cousins will inherit, not him?).

Thanks for your replies. My brother has already benefited received one amount of money from a will that my uncle was more entitled to. Now he seems to have his eye on this uncles affairs, phoning him regularly in his nursing home. My warning him would fall on deaf ears as my brother has turned him against me and he regards my brother like his own brother.

It would be so much easier if my Dad could appointment me as POW. I suppose if the will was probably drawn up by a solicitor and that solicitor drew up the POW with my Dad making decisions and stipulating that nothing can be altered, this might work. I wonder if that would be possible?

@Rhiani

Thanks for your replies. My brother has already benefited received one amount of money from a will that my uncle was more entitled to. Now he seems to have his eye on this uncles affairs, phoning him regularly in his nursing home. My warning him would fall on deaf ears as my brother has turned him against me and he regards my brother like his own brother.

You can raise this with your local authority adult safeguarding team. This would come under financial abuse.

If your dad is fully with it and has mental capacity he can chose who ever the hell he likes to do POA. It takes months. So do it now. The forms are easy to fill out and it costs only £90 each.
Just go and do it, you do not need to get a solicitor involved or your brother.

Thanks, I will do!

Hi OP. I have just seen on the Age UK website a very clear and helpful guide to how to do the power of attorney, and do it really properly. And it does not cost as much as it used to. I do hope you have been able to take steps to protect your DF. If you can be POA for finance as well as health and welfare, it should put both your minds at rest, as no one else will be able to interfere with DF's affairs. Good luck to you both.