I've always had a problem with alcohol and only recently realised I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't drink every day and wasnt your typical "sitting on a park bench drinking out of a brown paper bag" type alcoholic so it was hard to recognize but now I know the facts on it it's pretty plain to see.
I cant ever have just one drink, never have been able to. When I started it was like a switch went off and I didnt want to stop until I was literally legless.
Say if I was at a friends house and had had a few glasses of wine I'd have to go to the shop to buy more for when I got home so I could keep drinking. It was a really strong uncomfortable urge to keep on drinking, you'd think I would just not bother (and sometimes I didnt) but the option to drink was always there, everyone does it and it's so socially acceptable, to a point.. (i started keeping the socially unacceptable drinking secret when I was at home) the friends that knew were also heavy drinkers so it didnt matter and we'd often laugh about our antics in a "oh what are we like!" Kind of way. 
The things I used to do and the situations I got myself into when drunk were nothing like me at all, drunken me has done and said some really regrettable things that I cant ever take back.
It got worse over the last few years, due to anxiety, depression (which the drink just made worse) loneliness and sometimes just plain boredom.., I didnt drink every day, more like one or two days over the weekend and sometimes not for weeks at a time so it was hard to see, I'm not an alcoholic if I don't drink every day right? (Wrong..) when I DID drink there was that inability to stop and the things I did which just made it all worse.
It got steadily worse over the past few years, some days I'd just sat at home alone and drink a 70cl bottle of vodka to myself. Then sometimes the next day I'd drink more to get rid of the hangover but then because of that one or two drinks, the want to keep on drinking would start all over again so that would be another day of bingeing. Two whole days. My child free days when I wasnt at work so had nothing else better to do.
I was so god damn lonely and it was the only thing I had to make me feel good (for a while) I thought I was enjoying myself and saw it as a treat in a way. I spent all week parenting/working and as I didn't have anything else to do there was this "well why not!" Type mentality. On days "off" I would do what I needed to do, like go shopping and do house work then just drink, listen to music and watch films.. also I was scared to go out and drink because I was worried about what drunken me might get up to, so it felt safer to drink alone where no one could see and I couldn't embarrass myself. It made me happy for a while and stopped all the bad thoughts and memories from rushing through my head, it was like a relief. I could be happy in my own little world with the added benefit of it being in secret so no one knew. Then after that I would brush myself off and it was back to normal life, so no harm done, right?? 😑
I realised drinking was a problem for me after learning about what alcoholism actually is and why people do it. All the markers were there.
Between 2019 and 2020 I managed 10 months sober but then my drinking ramped up again mid 2020, starting off with the odd bottle of wine and by the end of 2020 I was back to drinking bottles of vodka on my own again.
My health started to be impacted (I'm not saying it wasnt before but I just didnt see it and usually felt fine (albeit hungover..), this time was different, it was like I could feel myself being poisoned by it, and of course I actually was) one morning after a particularly large binge I woke up, half a bottle of vodka left and I felt the worst I've ever felt before. It wasnt just a hangover, believe me I've ridden out 100s of hangovers in my time but this time it was different.. it was like something was telling/screaming at me to stop the madness, I cant really explain it.
Usual time the rest of that bottle of vodka would have gotten drank but it didn't. I got up out of bed and poured the fucker down the sink. Signed up to a sober app and havent looked back and I'm never going back. I cant drink, cant ever have one because its NEVER just one.
Alcoholism is a sneaky bastard. But it was also my friend when I didnt have anything else. But it's not really and that's the lie it tells us. That it helps but all it does is make things worse.
I shudder when I look back on where I got to. And I'm so sad for that person and that she felt she needed to do that. So fucking tragic but such a blessing that no one got hurt, I'm still here to tell the tale and I stopped before any real (as far as I know) damage got done.
I still have a road ahead of me to untangle all the reasons why I did it and settle back into my new sober life. I like saying I'm a non drinker now and all my friends have been nothing but supportive (most knew I had a problem) I'm a better parent because I'm not dealing with 1-2 day hangovers, I'm a better employee and just an all round better person. My mental health is still rocky but I just take it one day at a time and I'm hopeful that by staying on the right path one day I'll be a whole, happy and full person. Drinking was never going to get me there. Not having to deal with regular shame and regret helps with the mental health aspect let me tell you!
I look better and since November I've been able to lose almost 3.5 stone, yes by diet and exercise but no way would I have managed that if I was still drinking.
I hope one day in the future I might meet someone and have a relationship but I'm not quite who I want to be yet, but I'll get there.
Being sober isnt always easy but its just the case of saying no to that first drink for me and working out what my triggers are.
All I know is I'm never going back because itll be a death sentence. Thats for sure. And I dont want to die, I just want to be truly content and happy. That's all I ever wanted and drink bullshitted me by giving me that happiness for a few hours/days but it took it back and made everything much worse which only made me want to keep drinking.
Anyway I'll stop there because this is waaaay too long already, sorry!! 😬
But please, dont be like me. Drinking gives you nothing, not really.
But given the chance it'll take away everything.