To ask how do you command respect and NOT be shouty

[Llamasally]

No one, but no one responds to my requests to do, or not do, things in my household. Not toddler, dog, even (especially!) DH. Then I get to a point where I can only ask nicely so many times and get ignored and have to shout, I feel like I am losing my temper more and more often and of course still not achieving the desired effect with my family. I hate it and I hate who I seem to be turning into.

So, for those of you out there who command quiet, calm respect - how do you do it??

I see some people’s manner really makes others respect them. Some parents seem to be able to give a ‘look’ and quiet warning and hey presto. I don’t know what I practically need to to do change things.

@Llamasally and @fallingsnowflakes I'm glad my post amused you both. I've had a ball bringing up my lot if I'm honest and until I started adopting these methods I admit I was the shouty Mum and wife at times. It is really stressful trying to keep all the plates spinning all the time so you just have to find a way to be kind to yourself. My DH was largely oblivious but that was mainly my own fault as I'm actually quite traditional and he'd need a sat nav to find the hoover even now. We've been married 45 years. You get less for murder!

It's certainty of sanction, not severity (for kids and DH 😜)
My son said "I'm going to go to school and tell them you threatened me." I looked him in the eye and said "No, no, no darling. Don't say threatened, it makes me sound weak. Say I promised you because if I said it l, it's happening!!"
He never mentioned it again!

It was nothing bad by the way- just loss of privileges if he was home late!

Place marking!

recklessgran

You've got it

I remember parking by the side of the road when twins where about four and saying we weren't going anywhere until they stopped fighting.

They remember clearly the day when they were fighting over a balloon they had got in restaurant and I opened the car window and let it go ( I know this was bad for nature and wouldn't usually do it)

I get squeaky when cross and have to remember that becoming quiet and deep actually works better.

Be calm specific with a serious voice, smile when you want to scream and acknowledge good behaviour with lots of praise.
if it doesn't work punish them. joking.

Binge watch some super-nanny UK for tips.

Be very clear in what you need and why. This needs to be done because consequence.

Sometimes the consequence is feeling less inclined to do things to make their life nicer (eg fill a snack box) and sometimes the consequence is less man-made (eg if you leave crap on the floor, it'll probably get damaged) and sometimes you have to be clear that by doing xyz they make your life unnecessarily harder and that pisses you off.

With DD she learned early on my patience is limited, a warning is really a warning and that I always follow through with my threats.

So now if I ask her to do something, even if it doesn't happen the first time , I still never have to ask a third.

Don't shout.

Be perfectly unemotional and calm. But with a crispness to it. That is my true rage mode. Everyone in my house knows they are in trouble when I am emotionless calm.

In all seriousness, it sounds like the only thing you are achieving by getting wound up by your husbands inability to maintain your standards is getting everyone's backs up. What happens if you just let it go? No one has to be right or wrong? Just be the bigger person and let it slide.

Letting it slide only works if you're not the one reaping the consequences.