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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers day and birthday gifts, Aibu?

45 replies

Queenofsnacks · 18/05/2021 09:57

Last Mothers day, I sent my mother a personalised card but not a bunch of flowers. I came to visit my parents shortly after and she pretty much started an argument with me that I didn't send her a bunch of flowers and a gift and kept calling me selfish, ungrateful and apparently I don't care? It wasn't as though I completely disregarded mothers day, I did acknowledge it and send a card, I couldn't help thinking that it was a little distasteful! It is her birthday in a few weeks and my father called me and says that he hopes that she will be receiving a birthday present which for the record she certainly will be! I can't imagine ever just expecting a gift from somebody like that! Aibu?

OP posts:

mainsfed · 18/05/2021 14:10

Do they buy you birthday/Christmas presents?

If not, don't feel obliged to buy for them.

And tell her that it's said she's more worried about flowers than her own daughter's financial worries.

mainsfed · 18/05/2021 14:11

*sad

Pinkylemons · 18/05/2021 14:13

Yanbu. I don’t always get my mum a gift. She doesn’t expect one either. You sent a card, I think she’s being awful and acting like a child.

Catflapkitkat · 18/05/2021 14:22

I think the fact you acknowledged it goes in your favour. Is their a back story here? Does she think you are not paying her enough attention? Its okay to be a bit miffed over a card but to start an argument over not getting flowers is way over the top.

If you are financially strapped though sending flowers can be expensive. Another option would be to send a a book via Amazon or M&S/Waitrose had some chocolate squares with mother's day written on them for a fiver.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/05/2021 14:30

just wait til Halloween - another manufactured money making marketing fest - sounds like it would be appropriate,.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2021 15:24

I think she is being rude and ungrateful. I mean forgetting completely or not acknowledging it at all I can understand hurting her feelings. A card shows you don't love her and aren't 'grateful' but generic 'mothers day flowers' shows the opposite?! Ok then. All that's going to happen now is you get her flowers because you're worried you'll he shouted at if not, even if you can't afford them. I'm not sure I'd want my children to feel like that about me

Dishwashersaurous · 18/05/2021 15:30

Does she know about your financial situation?

Are you generally close?

Is there something else going on in her life and this is what she has fixated on ?

SpindleWhorl · 18/05/2021 15:36

Yes, @Queenofsnacks, I would have found her causing a scene in that manner, about that issue, that embarrassing, distasteful and spoilt.

And I'd not be happy about Enabling Daddy either.

KFleming · 18/05/2021 15:40

I think it’s grabby to expect a gift, especially if you don’t always give one. But then I don’t send my mum a Mother’s Day present (and she doesn’t send her mum one) because we’ve just never done it in our family.

Original poster

Queenofsnacks · 18/05/2021 16:36

I got the impression that my Dad didn't necessarily agree with her and was probably just trying to keep her happy-he is perfectly content with his yearly father's day cards and will sometimes get him a small gift other times not. We aren't the closest as we are very different but we get along and are on good terms. My brother also tends to give just a card/sometimes a bouquet but my sister will always make a big show of every occasion be it Mothers day/birthdays and spend far more than she can afford, sometimes hundreds.

OP posts:

SunIsComing · 18/05/2021 16:40

You sent a card, that is the critical part. Your mother is a rude grabby cf.

SwimBaby · 18/05/2021 16:43

One year I got no presents (or cards) from any of my 3 DC and it did hurt. I didn’t say anything, I’m not sure if it’s better to say something or not.

Original poster

Queenofsnacks · 19/05/2021 09:08

She definitely knows that we've been having financial problems in the last year due to covid and that we have been paying off some debts acquired during this period!

OP posts:

AuntieMarys · 19/05/2021 09:10

I don't expect gifts on Mother's Day. It's a ridiculous tradition.

Original poster

Queenofsnacks · 19/05/2021 09:14

I do also recall a time years ago when I'd finished university and didn't have a job. I was almost 2k into my student overdraft and we were having a massive family Christmas (extended family including cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles). I'd said that I didn't have the money for presents that year or that I could buy for immediate family only and I remember I was actually called selfish at that point as I wasn't able to buy for 12+ family members

OP posts:

paralysedbyinertia · 19/05/2021 09:20

Well, I do usually get my mum flowers or similar, but I am absolutely 100% sure that she would not make a fuss if I just sent a card one year - especially if money was tight! Our relationship is very strong, and those gestures are just that...nice gestures. We wouldn't measure our relationship by them.

I would absolutely not care if dd just gave me a card one year. She is usually very thoughtful and generous with her gift giving, but I don't need those tokens to show that she loves me. She shows that every day.

partofyoupoursoutofme · 19/05/2021 09:26

If I'm completely honest I would stop buying anything for anyone who complained about not getting enough for an occasion. A card is good enough! It shows you have thought about her - what more does she want? People can be so weird about 'stuff'. Stick to your guns, call her ungrateful and don't buy things to placate her.

Also, there's always someone who comes on these threads saying 'I wish I had a mother to buy presents for'. I'm so sorry for your loss, but do be careful what you wish for as not all parents are created equal.

trixies · 19/05/2021 11:44

My mum behaves like this. She used to give my dad the silent treatment if his anniversary presents to her weren't good enough. She'd tell us all not to buy her gifts for birthdays/Christmas/Mothers Day, but if we didn't, she'd absolutely kick off.

We're not in contact anymore. I wish I had a good mother to buy presents for, but I don't. So I'd echo @partofyoupoursoutofme on that.

YANBU, OP. I think expecting a gift and shouting at your daughter for not giving one is questionable behaviour.

bridgetreilly · 19/05/2021 11:48

Different families are different. I always get my mother a card but rarely a present for mother's day, and that's fine. I never get my father a card for father's day because he, like me, thinks it's made up nonsense.

If you normally give your mother flowers or a present on mother's day, then it's a bit weird to suddenly stop, but it's also incredibly rude for her to get huffy and entitled about it, and very weird for your father to say something about her birthday.

zukiecat · 19/05/2021 11:57

My mother has never cared about my financial situation, and I have been at rock bottom at times, No electric, no hot water or heating and no food to eat, She used to moan about me not putting money in a card for her (she demands money for every occasion).

After a few years of counselling I have been able to stand up to her and not give in to her demands. She still sulks, but I've learned to ignore her tantrums. She gets what she's given.

Before anyone asks what gifts she buys me, I used to get toilet rolls for Christmas, and one year, a packet of Handie Andies and one plastic hanger for my birthday. My brother got a full Highland outfit for his birthday that year.

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