To suggest DD1 drops out of college??

[lucyellensmum]

My DD1 is really not getting on well at college, she is behind with her coursework, not turning up and generally unhappy. She is 17 and only really went to college on my insistence. I can see she has been very unhappy and just finding it too much. She is a very bright girl but she is a tad lazy. The thing is, i dont think the course motivates her so she doesnt do the "homework" which is research onto art history. She enjoys the practical side but tbh she cannot get by just doing practical stuff. I think i have persuaded her to either quit completely or take a year out. HEr course tutors are making noises that unless she bucks her ideas up she will be asked to leave anyway. She has been "ill" being sick in the mornings (she is not pregnant) etc and was supposed to go in today to discuss action plans etc. But she phoned me (she is living with her BF) and said she wasnt going in. She was really really down and i was WORRIED i said, thats it, enough is enough, i think you should leave. She said she didnt want to because she didnt want me to be disappointed. I hae always pushed her too hard in my opinion and it has backfired. I think she could do with some time to get her head together and decide, what, if anything, she wants to do academically. She has a handful of low grade GCSEs (only one c) but does now have a course in art behind her that is a 4 grade equivalent. She had a terrible time at school, we lost my father in her GCSE year and he was basically her father too, as i was single parent when i had her, got very limited support from her school. I feel i was shit because i just nagged and nagged and nagged about homework, revision etc etc. Why the fuck did i do that too her?

Now i think i should just let her do what she wants, and if that is doss around for a bit then maybe that should be what she does. I am obviously concerned that i am doing the right thing - what do you guys think??

I left college when I was 17 about this time of year, I got a job as a trainee recruitment consultant and five years later I am now a senior consultant at a 'boutique' consultancy placing senior level candidates and earning excellent money. I now own my own flat and know that I am probably not the norm but it doesn't have to be a sentence to dead end jobs and no career success.

I did have some good GCSE's but I wasn't entered into some of my exams I was in that much of a pickle in my final year at senior school. A lack of qualifications isn't the be all and end all and your DDs happiness is far more important. A-levels and degrees are ten a penny, a good attitude and working bloody hard is equally as valued if she wants to work.

I think that she has to do what she wants otherwise she will grow to resent you and not get the life she wants.

The art course that she has done, did she enjoy it? Did she decide to do it?

I think she needs to have a think about what she wants to do. Have you asked her?

I think you should say to her that you will support her decision as to whether she decides to quit college or stay there. And that you will not be let down either way, you just want her to be happy.

I agree it is a good idea for her to think about what she would like to do etc, but I would just caution that "gaps" in CVs can be viewed negatively by some employers. So if there is going to be a gap, make sure you have something to call it on her CV, like travelling or something.

Also, agree with ClaphamLauren, qualifications don't always get you a good job anyway - my DB had an extremely good degree, A Levels etc etc but due to shyness and social difficulty could not get a "good" job.

Lastly, don't feel shit yourself - you love her and have done your best for her so you have nothing to feel shit about.

she thinks she wants to be a tattoo artist, i think that is a hiding to nothing as the market is flooded and fashions change. Ive spoken to her at length about what she wants to do and she really doesnt know. I was the same at her age and did go back and complete my education at a later date. Am hoping she does the same, or as clapham does, forges out a career for herself doing something she enjoys. It is frustrating as she is very bright, but without it being on paper it is hard to prove. The trouble is, she is quite immature and hasnt quite got her head round being told what to do etc, something she will have to accept in the work place etc. I dont care what she does, i just want her to be happy.

I didn't srop out in this situation- I kept going, ended up having the most miserable of times, developing eating disorders etc (not to say your daughter would obv!) and failing anyhow.

Decade later, went to the local tech, did an Access, just finishing my degree now and signed up for a MA next year

Life doen't deal you one chance, you get many, and sometimes a bit of maturity is what you need to make the most of it.
BTW if she's into arty stuff- perhaps some time doing voluntary work at a gallery, or a disability arts group or something? Would be fabulous on her CV and will help her make decisions for the future as well.

i was much the same peachy, i left school at 15 and went back via the access route. I just wasnt mature enough at 16.

DD really likes the whole college set up, she is a very active member of the student union which of course now she will have to give up, which is a big shame as she enjoyed the responsibility. She does do some voluntary stuff so i am going to try and encourage that. She works at macdonalds and hates it so is going to look for a week only job, get her weekends back. Poor cow hardly has a life at the moment. I feel as if i have pushed her too hard, why couclnt i just accept that she is not academically driven and have to compete with my cousins perfect children. Etc etc. I just hope i dont make the same mistakes with DD2 (she is only 2 - but isnt it a fucking awful disgrace knowing i can be a better mother to her because i learnt all the lessons the hard way with DD1, i am quite ashamed of myself really)

bless her i really feel for her as she wants to make something of herself but doesnt want to dissapoint you tell her to get a job think of what she would like to do and get a job in that industry then quit college feeling sick may be due to anxiety of going

could she be depressed at all maybe get her to visit doctor sickness laziness or lack of motivation can be due to depression

if she is that unhappy then ttell her to quit i'm sure her happiness means more and she is still young she can get a job and think of what else she would like to do

tatoo artist is good she could work her way into some fab contests and also do something else also she doesnt sound happy to me and i really wouldnt want her to feel forced to go to make you proud

you need to tell her your proud for trying it hasn tworked out and you'll be proud at whatever she does next but she does need to be doing something and maybe trip to gp to rule out depression

dont be hard on your self you wouldnt be a good mum if you didnt encourage and push it doesnt make you bad supporting her desicion now and being there for her will mean alot

she will always appreciate you wanting the best for her but she will succeed in her own way with what ever she does and that will be thanks to you so dont be so hard on your self

Not speaking as a teenager's parent but as a person who was somewhat forced down a road i now know i shouldn't have gone down i would say don't blame yourself and any decisions she makes will probably require your support. If she's too ill to go to college i would say that is a sure sign she hates it. As long as she knows you won't be disappointed if she leaves she might feel more inclined to do so and she would feel less defeated than if she was asked to leave (which may be an empty threat as colleges tend not to expel people due to the higher funds they get from having more students).

I am the most academically qualified stay at home mum i know and, honestly, i don't know what i want to do for a job in the future. I am, like you daughter, bright but a bit lazy and most of my qualifications where achieved with the minimum amount of effort (education is wasted the young !).

It used to be that a good education was the best thing to have. And while that works for alot of people who know what they want to do in the future. For those who don't it's not so much. Now experience and training are more beneficial in certain sectors.

You pushed her because you wanted the best for her as all good parents do. Don't beat yourself up, just help her through whatever decision she makes.

LEm you really shouldn't beat yourself up- you wanted the best for her, tis all. if that makes you a bad mum then most of us are guilty on here!

Tell her that you will support her in whatever she wants to do and that you won't be dissapointed if she drops out of college. It sounds like she would be better to have a break.

Not all young people do the whole education/training thing in a nice, neat, chronologically pleasing way. I had lots of false starts and a couple of years of badly paid jobs and pissing around before I got my degree and found a career path that motivated me to get off my lazy, undisciplined arse. If she is pissing about and not working, she will probably fail anyway. Maybe it would be best to leave college, work for a year and have a think about her next move? It isn't going to disadvantage her in the long term (I found quite the opposite to be true, personally), although she will have to do some sort of further training in the future unless she wants to work for the minimum wage for the rest of her life (or she is a real self-starter, entrepreneurial type). If i were you, I would insist that she work if she isn't going to study, though. In the short term it will give her self discipline, self respect and some cash. (and there's nothing like a crap, poorly paid job to eventually push you in the direction of education!).

I feel very strongly that these days there are many different routes into what you want to do. TBH, college and university courses are 10 a penny - why keep going with a course if you're not enjoying it and not motivated to do well? Your DD may just end up having endured college, and it won't necessarily broaden her options. There will be dozens of others with the same qualification. Thats the harsh reality of life today - young people are sold the lie that college/uni/qualifications will lead to success, and it won't necessarily- it can just mean huge debts. It sounds like your DD might be better off doing something else for a while and then maybe she'll return to education a few years down the line when she has a clearer idea of what she wants out of life.

oh and lucyellensmum - i think those of us with more than one child can really identify with what you say about feeling like you do a better job with the next child because you've made your mistakes with the first! Try not to feel guilty about it. When you think about it logically, why should parenting be any different from anything else? With most things, we tend to get better at them the more we do them. I'm a better teacher now than I was 10 years ago. My cooking is better too! It's easy to get hung up about parenting because it's the biggest thing we do in our lives, but really, it's only to be expected that we all make mistakes. Life is a continual learning curve.