Rude 15 year old

[Unusualusernames]

Posting here for some advice. Please do not flame me, I feel really sad.

My once lovely 15 year old daughter is just so awful to me. She's so sullen and rude. She's perfectly pleasant and charming to everyone else. I just don't know what to do.

She barely speaks to me unless it's to ask for money. If I ask her anything she rolls her eyes and acts like she wants to kill me.

I'm really worried about what her friends are up to. She came joke an hour late when I let her go shopping on Saturday. It's the third time it's happened in a row and I specifically told her she would be punished if she came back late again.

I confiscated her phone and when I read her messages (which I know feels wrong again please don't flame me) saw that she and her friends are completely boy mad.

I know it's normal to be into boys. I remember what it was like to be 15. I just don't want her to make the stupid mistakes I made.

I'm finding it really hard to parent her at all. I just can't seem to communicate with her at all.

She spends way too much time on social media. I noticed that she's blocked me and her dad so we can't see what she posts.

She used to be such a well behaved child who did great at school and mainly did what she was told.

I try not to lose my temper but I'm honestly so drained by this now. She's more or less been like this since she turned 14 and it's just got worse and worse

This must be such a hard time. You’re still thinking of her as your little girl, but she’s growing up fast and you need to start building a more adult relationship with her. Rather than telling her what to do and expecting her to do as she’s told (this will not work now she’s growing up) the ideal would, I suppose, be to talk to her more as a peer. You’ve been clear here that you just want her to make good choices and not repeat your mistakes. Perhaps it’s time to sit down with her as something closer to equals and really talk to her about why you’re advising or asking certain things of her; explain that you made mistakes and want her to have the benefit of your experience so she doesn’t do the same. Ask her what she thinks about how things are going and really listen, if she can explain how she feels. You might be able to negotiate a new, more adult relationship. At some stage, though, having given her all the pep talks and understanding, you’re going to have to trust that you’ve done enough to make her a responsible young woman and let her have some more freedom. Otherwise you risk driving her away. It’s such a fine line and I am often very glad I’ve not had to negotiate the teen years.

She will come back to you and be lovely again but it takes a few years. Choose your battles and try to ride the storm. Teenage girls are a bit of a nightmare so I totally empathise.

What time should she have been back by ?

This is all standard teenager behaviour (in fact it sounds fairly mild). Not nice for you though! Read "how to talk so teens will listen" for some tips.

How late was she?
What time should she have been back?
Did she let you know she was going to be late and was there a reason?

I think this age is really difficult, particularly in the current climate when they haven't really had any freedom at the time when they should have been learning the rules so to speak.

I think the fact that she is still well behaved at school is something to hang on to.

Perfectly normal in my opinion. My daughter was vile once she hit 16 but absolutely lovely up until then. No trouble at all. It passes. She's now a mother of 3 and we are close again and I'm looking forward to my granddaughter's teenage years very much!!

I will say though that periodically checking your daughter's phone, at 15, isn't intrusive, it's good parenting.

This too shall pass you just have to ride the storm 🎉

Sounds well within the range of normal.

You could try getting her this www.goodreads.com/book/show/44422828-why-your-parents-are-driving-you-up-the-wall-and-what-to-do-about-it

And you reading this
www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/adele-faber/how-to-talk-so-teens-will-listen-listen-so-teens-will-talk/9781853408571?gclid=CjwKCAjwy42FBhB2EiwAJY0yQooYukBz0RErwWZ9ijtM5UjNNqR28Mhy5CrQPNhHfxrJU77u8Ux2HhoC1X4QAvD_BwE

Hmm. You say you "let her go shopping". That is an unusual turn of phrase for a 15yo. Does she always need your permission to go out?

What time did you ask her to be back? Was there a reason why she had to be back at that time? Why did you confiscate her phone?

I'm not saying this to "flame" you or to be unkind, but you do sound a little controlling tbh. And I think you already know that it was an invasion of your dd's privacy to read her messages.

Are you struggling to adjust to the idea of her growing up, do you think?

Perfectly normal teen behaving afraid. Up to now they have listened to you and behaved.... now their friends are more important to them than their parents. It's a phase. They want to be adult and do what they want but aren't there (or capable) yet. What I would do though is not tolerate rudeness - so you need to tell her the boundary here. You give her freedoms, money etc, you expect respect back. Take a 5 min role reversal and ask her how she feels, do her friends talk to their parents the same way.

I agree with the first two posts.
It sounds like you had good foundations. I work with many parents who have allowed their kids to do what they want when they want and then find when they start to try and put boundaries in place it's impossible. Its too late,they should have been doing as tbe child was growing up.
A complaint I hear from teenagers is that their parents/ caregivers treat them like ' little kids" I'm 100% sure you are not but that's teenage perception for you!
I would still pull dd for eye rolling and being rude ( I used to say to my kids ' would you do that to your nan?, would you do that to Father Patrick? No. Well you don't do it to me. I treat you with respect'

I would give her some control. Let her think the coming home time is her idea by way compromise. Eg I'm think of having tea at 5 on Saturday what time do you think you will be back for ? 6? Oh OK, that sounds ok." I'm not saying all the time but young people need some ' wins'

One thing I did when my lad was going through this stage was to spend 1 to 1 time with him. I'm not going to lie, there was times when I thought I didn't like him much but just me and him would go out for tea maybe once every 6 weeks or so. It made a huge difference. He would talk about his day, daft things that he had done with his mates that were funny. I started seeing a different side to him the one that other people saw and it was nice.
I made a point of getting to know the new person in front of me. Ask what bands they like, what's their favourite song . Who made them laugh today., favourite youtuber, that kind of thing.
Obviously don't bombard them! I know its sounds a bit twee but stick with it.
If all else fails this is usually just a temporary phrase!

There was only two posts when I started. Other people have given good advice as well!!

Are you being reasonable with your rules and expectations? For example what time was she meant to be home?

I know it's normal to be into boys. I remember what it was like to be 15. I just don't want her to make the stupid mistakes I made

This comment is a bit worrying to me - you're saying that she is just the same as you were at the same age, BUT you want her to be different from you. Life doesn't work that way - all kids go through the same stages and we can't stop that from happening.

It does sound as if you are rather controlling - take a step back and let her grow up in her own way.

I'd firm up. If she's blocking you on social media, staying out past curfew and rolling her eyes then she's not behaving with maturity or showing you respect and that goes both ways. If she can't behave as she should for her age then she doesn't get the privileges. You have to be the parent, you have to discipline. She's not going to turn around, decide you're awesome and start treating you well if you keep putting up with it. She's going to get brattier and nastier because you let her.

Why can’t you lose your temper? Why are you afraid to show her that you are angry and her behaviour is not acceptable.
My mum shouted, got mad and everything. At the age of 30 I still know when to not cross the line with her. It’s called respect and by my mother showing her upset and anger I learnt what was acceptable and what was not.

Sound perfectly normal tbh. Just make sure you follow through with repercussions for unacceptable behaviour. Make sure she knows she’s loved. I tend to find grabbing a moody teen for a hug mid eye roll gets a grudged smile sometimes. It’s a phase

There are some good books about teenage brain development which explain the changes in teenage behaviour, it may be helpful for both you and dd to have a read. There are so many changes in the brain that drive behaviour at this age.

She will come out the other side of this. The rudeness is so weird. My dd went from polite to rude and now back to polite again. She looks back and cringes now at her teenage rude stage. I picked her up on the rudeness every single time. Not sure if it made any difference!
Capacity for empathy is temporarily reduced at this age, teens become owls instead of larks and risk taking behaviours increase and a whole load of other stuff, all driven by brain development stages.

It's a tricky age to parent OP for all of us but I found it helpful to understand more about what was causing the changes. Your dd is probably confused too.

Your sentence about letting her go shopping is the root of the problem I think. You sound a bit controlling. My DD is the same age and I’m actively encouraging her to go out with her friends! She’s been cooped up with us for months, she needs a bit of normality now.

The more controlling you are the more she will push against you, and the worse your relationship will be. Don’t sweat the small stuff! She’s growing up and you need to treat her as such. I’m not saying try to be her friend, you’re still the parent, but there is a happy balance.

Reading her messages is an absolute no-no imo. You need to respect her privacy. Of course she’s into boys, she’s 15 not a little kid! If you intrude too much she’ll be more secretive. You need to let her know you’re there if she needs to talk, and build a relationship based on trust.

I don’t have all the answers obviously, it’s a nightmare trying to parent teenagers, but we have to accept our relationship with them will change as they get older. And I thoroughly accept that my DD may yet become horrible!

I would pick your battles - does it really matter if she is out an hour more shopping? IF she is out and all having a nice time is there a specific reason she has to get back?

I think modern parents often lose authority too easily - so I"m not saying be overly relaxd - but if you are going to draw lines in the sand I think there shld be reasons.

I just read an amazing book - Why Parents need to matter more than Peers by Gabor Mate, highly recommend.

It's about relationship building - so rather than thinking how can I get her to "DO' things - you think 'How can I reconnect to her and rebuild and keep the relationship that ensures I have authority and power as a paren't.

You need to be connected to her - so the first step is to reconnect - only then can the boundaries be drawn - you don't want all your interaction with her to be telling her what to do/ what not to do

I feel for you ,I have one almost 20 , always pleasant and open and honest very much a rule follower even now asks me if it's ok to do certain things but the 10 year old is a different story and I can see that she is more headstrong . Interestingly there is the same age gap between me and my sister and the same dynamic .it's natural for them to grow away from us but they do wise up and come back . I remember being that age and just being a bag of hormones all the time , it's a tricky time for mother daughter relationships