AIBU?
DH playing footy on a Sunday
Longclaw88 · 17/05/2021 15:51
We have three kids, aged 7, 4, and a newborn. DH plays footy twice a week in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed - he usually puts them down and then shoots off at 7.45pm. However at the start of the season he was persuaded to play 11-a-side on Sundays which means he's gone from 10am until 1.15pm. Then comes back hungry and needing a shower so it's often 2pm before we can do anything as a family. I find those Sunday mornings really tough on my own with 3 kids and would love us to have family time altogether; his excuse is that footy on a Sunday is only a few hours and that he needs that time for his physical/mental health. Tbf, he very rarely goes out drinking with his mates, does a lot around the house including food shops, most of the cooking, and puts our two older kids to bed each night so he's not bad in that regard. It's just that he's 37 now and he said he'd have retired by now to spend time with the family at the weekend but if anything he seems more into it than ever because he said "he'll be retiring after next season and he'd regret not playing because it's time you can't get back when you're older when he's unable to play anymore."
Not sure if IABU. He told me to carve out my own time with friends/gym/yoga etc and he'd never stand in my way or stop me doing anything I want to do, but personally I would never decide to spend 3-4 hours away from the family on one of the only two days we get to spend together.
Am I being unreasonable?
AIBUYou have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Lamentations · 17/05/2021 15:57
I think if he's offering you the same time to pursue your own interests you should give him a break about it. It's a balance. I feel really stifled personally by forced 'family time', I think family time is just what happens naturally around everyone's lives and activities but I appreciate it isn't everyone's view.
InpatientGardener · 17/05/2021 16:00
Not sure what to suggest but I'm in this almost exact situation although just one 8 month DD. My DP won't go out and do anything on a Sunday after football though because he's too tired. When football resumed he was playing on a Monday, times vary, and a Thursday evenings but after a horrific week putting DD to sleep I told him he could pick between Sunday or in the week. Now she sleeps better he's going to pick up training in the week but says he will drop it if needs be. It is a pain though because it just leaves Saturday to do anything so the weekends feel really full. I totally agree with you about not having the desire to do something by yourself for half a day too, I go to my hobby on a Sunday afternoon but for an hour, maybe two on occasion.
TeenMinusTests · 17/05/2021 16:00
Does he help before he goes?
Presumably also you get to do family things on a Saturday too?
I think it is OK personally. Maybe you need a routine on a Sun. e.g he sorts the kids and does breakfast etc before he goes. You then do gentle stuff like board games or baking.
FlorenceWintle · 17/05/2021 16:00
Thing is, he’s not stopping you from having the same time ‘off’ is he? Just because you choose not to, that shouldn’t mean he can’t have his.
You’re disappointed that he wants the time away, I guess, but I think it’s a normal thing for him to want? Something for himself, outside of being a husband and father.
Hellocatshome · 17/05/2021 16:02
I wouldn't have a problem with it given all the other things he does. Can you go along and watch (when the weather is good) I used to take my kids to watch DH when they were younger and they used to play with the other kids that were there and I had a nice chat with the other wives.
ComtesseDeSpair · 17/05/2021 16:04
I think it’s fair enough if he’s involved in day to day parenting and happy to facilitate you having a hobby as well. Do you really need to orchestrate forced “family time” of the “making memories” sort with all five of you every weekend? The DC would be just as happy with a trip to the playground or indoor activity at home.
BramStoker · 17/05/2021 16:05
I would much rather have a fit and active DH who is missing for 3 hours every Sunday but fully involved when he is at home than be married to a coach potato
It is healthy to have hobbies and interests beyond work and family
Once your newborn is a bit older then you will probably feel more inclined to do the same
JungleIsMassive · 17/05/2021 16:06
Sounds fair to me. Don't be a martyr! Go out and do something fun just for you. If you're not ready yet, plan what things you would like to do in the future, then do them. Or do nothing. Don't put your husband in a position where he feels he can't enjoy non family time because he feels guilty.
Longclaw88 · 17/05/2021 16:10
Appreciate all the replies. Think I'm just feeling a bit hormonal at the minute as our middle child - boy aged 4 - is really difficult at the moment, think jealousy has kicked in since our newborn arrived. And that's probably why I'm feeling a bit resentful to DH. Season ends next week but he says he wants to play again next season as 'they're a nice set of lads' and there's a chance he'll be made captain. I just hate football, but as someone else said - at least it's not cricket!
MIC2689 · 17/05/2021 16:10
My son is 6 and I spend Saturday and Sunday mornings standing in all weathers watching him play football 😂. I think your OH does a fair bit during the week by the sounds of it and I'd let him crack on with keeping fit. Plenty of people go gym 2-3 (or more) times a week. I think that can only be a good thing 😊.
Ducksurprise · 17/05/2021 16:14
Give it a few years and your whole Sunday maybe taken up with kids football/cricket/rugby/netball etc enjoy that you get most of the Sunday still. It's hard as you have a newborn so I understand why you feel that way but it is reasonable for him to play football for that time. Also be grateful it's not very expensive!
CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/05/2021 16:14
He told me to carve out my own time with friends/gym/yoga etc and he'd never stand in my way or stop me doing anything I want to do, but personally I would never decide to spend 3-4 hours away from the family on one of the only two days we get to spend together. Until you do and he has to deal with the same single parent days that you do he won't change his mind, see your point of view or agree you have a point and that his solution doesn't work.
What you need to do now you can go out more is to take yourself off for 2 nights and a weekend morning or afternoon each and every week until he asks you to stop... and then you can have a rproper conversation about it. Alternatively you might find it works well!!
SimonJT · 17/05/2021 16:22
Sounds fair to me. Is there a reason Saturday can’t be a day for family things?
Exercise is really important, not exercising is neglecting your health. So even when he does retire from football he will still need the time to exercise.
I play rugby, that means training 2/3 times a week, matches in season and world cup every two years, it also requires a certain amount of running, gym etc outside of official training. I do only have one rather than three, and of course I don’t have a newborn, but it is manageable and its something I have managed as a lone parent.
Its understandable if you don’t want a hobby with a newborn as you’ll be recovering, but once the baby is older nothing but your own choice is stopping you. Not wanting a hobby is perfectly fine, but it doesn’t mean you should prevent others having one.
JungleIsMassive · 17/05/2021 16:22
@CuriousaboutSamphire
What you need to do now you can go out more is to take yourself off for 2 nights and a weekend morning or afternoon each and every week until he asks you to stop... and then you can have a rproper conversation about it. Alternatively you might find it works well!!
Why would that work? Maybe he would be happy for OP. DH and I are happy for the other to enjoy life outside the house. Also the kids are in bed when he goes out of an evening. He's not missing family time.
Things will equal out when OP feels up for life again I'm sure. Babies are hard work and if she's on maternity leave or is a SAHM you do feel more attached to your baby as they are so young and you are the main carer. Once mine got to 1 I was more up for going out and having time to myself.
rookiemere · 17/05/2021 16:24
OP you need to take him up on what he says about taking some time for yourself. It will in fact be good for the DCs as they'll get the opportunity to have time with their DF on their own and build their relationship with him. It also makes him understand what it's like to solo parent and perhaps will be more appreciative of what is involved.
If you don't want to do it on Saturday, then take yourself off for a few hours once he is finished on a Sunday.
SpnBaby1967 · 17/05/2021 16:28
I'm out on a sunday morning from 9am till 12pm for my sport. I'm also out 2 evenings a week with it and in non covid times a full saturday every 4 months.
My DH understands that my sport is important for my mental health and fitness. He does his own thing as well a couple of evenings a week and a saturday morning (sometimes sunday afternoons too).
We still have plenty of family time, but we also know the benefit of alone time which OP I think you need to carve out some of this for yourself.
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