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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just lost it with my DC - AIBU to feel this way?

37 replies

ShitLoser · 17/05/2021 09:07

I just lost my sh!t with my 12-year-old. TBH I know I shouldn't have really done it, but it just happened.

The history is as follows. I have been with DH for 28 years. Since the day I met him his family have been PA towards me, belittled me, treated me with indifference, and gone out of their way to pull me down. My MIL is the head of the snake and has regularly told me that I am not part of the family, that it doesn't matter what I do because no one looks at me and I am not important. Also, according to MIL her DD is cleverer and has a better personality than me. If her DD was good-looking she'd no doubt use that as a stick to beat me with.

Since the day I met my DH he has always had this vibe that he is too good for me. In fact a couple of years ago, after 22 years of marriage, he told me that he was thinking of moving on as we had grown apart he was too good for me.

Now at this point in the reading, you are probably thinking that I am some sad old loser who has no education and has let herself go. In fact, it is quite the opposite. In fact, the couple of times in my marriage my DH has "wanted out" a few of his friends (not mine) actually got in contact with me to see if I was alright and told me he was a dickhead because I am lovely.

I used to have a very good level of self-esteem and confidence but it is just on the f*cking floor right now.

So, last night my DS was asking who he looked like. My DH said that he looked like my side of the family. Then DS got in a mood and said he wanted to look like his dad as he was handsome. I know that this is really insignificant and petty but I just lost it. It wasn't even about this comment. I'd just had enough and broke. It is always about my DH's family. If my DC do well at school, it is because they get their intelligence from DH and his family. My DC have a talent and they clearly get it from his side of the family. Well, actually all my siblings have degrees and own their own businesses. I have 5 direct relatives who share the talent and have made a career out of it. DH's family = zero.

No one in the family (DH, DS's, in-laws) ever say anything nice to me. It is just constant criticism.......drip, drip, drip.......and I am treated as the live-in housekeeper.

My own family are very different but live miles away so I don't get to see them very often. They are very positive people who go out of their way to make people feel good about themselves, not tear strips off others. Honestly, I just feel mentally abused. My confidence is just battered. I just feel like leaving and going back to my own family where I am treated like a human being and feel loved and valued.

OP posts:

leafinthewind · 17/05/2021 09:10

You know this is your 12 year old's fault. Go and apologise to him and explain. He's old enough to know.

But then, after the dust has settled, what reason do you have to stay with your husband? You can be rid off all that dead weight. You don't even need to head home - you can stay in your current city and be happy. Without them!

Trisolaris · 17/05/2021 09:13

Your son has been taught that you have no value as a person by your husband and his toxic family so he is not the one to lose it at.

The one you should have left years ago was your husband.

ThePlantsitter · 17/05/2021 09:14

YABU because you have just visited 28 years of resentment upon your 12 yr old's head. Your feelings are not his fault.

The situation isn't your fault either but you CAN do something about it whereas your 12 yr old can't. In short, LTB.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/05/2021 09:14

Now at this point in the reading, you are probably thinking that I am some sad old loser who has no education and has let herself go

No, I wasn't thinking that at all. I was thinking what is this poor woman doing keeping herself around these arseholes". OP they sound fucking horrendous and I would definitely leave and move back to my family. After 28 years I think you have wasted enough of your life on those idiots, and now your children are starting to behave the same. Why have you put up with this so long. How do you hold your tongue and not tell them they are evil bullying bastards?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/05/2021 09:16

And sorry to answer your question, yavu to lose your shit with your ds. Uts not his fault. He has been shown that's the way to treat you and he will treat others like that aswell.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/05/2021 09:18

They sound absolutely horrendous and awful.

Definitely you should have left your equally appalling DH years ago.

Yabu to take it out on your 12 yo though. It’s not his fault at all. Your exh and his family are to blame, but also to an extent you for staying with him.

Snaketime · 17/05/2021 09:18

It is very rare I say this OP, but get rid of your husband. His family all know they are no good and pick on you to make them feel better about themselves. Run OP.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/05/2021 09:18

Thank god you’re married and he won’t be able to pull any shit of “you don’t deserve a share of our property though” - not unless you let him!

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 17/05/2021 09:21

Their toxicity has inevitably rubbed off on your DS, you should have left him a long time ago.

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 17/05/2021 09:32

It is time for you to leave.
It is toxic.

Talk to your child, explain that you feel judged and hurt by his comments, that everyone has value and merit, not just his father and his family. I think you can turn things around for your child, your dh is a lost cause.

I am sorry this has happened, it is time you picked up your crushed confidence and sense of self and showed your son what a strong and capable woman looks like. Good luck

6079SmithW · 17/05/2021 09:39

Although your child's comment was probably hurtful, your disproportionate response is due to how you have been treated by your DH and his family. Apologise to DS and explain that his comments hit a spot where you are already hurt. Don't be tempted to talk badly of your DH or his family though. Your DS shouldn't be caught in the middle.
You have already given way to much of yourself and your life to a DH who doesn't deserve it, who has betrayed your love and your trust. Don't wait for the next time for him to decide to "move on". Make your own provision, and leave him as soon as possible. 💐

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/05/2021 09:43

You have raised your son in a misogynistic environment. That’s the soul he was propagated in and you are now seeing the result. You either deal with it now, hopefully by leaving, or you accept the results when he’s grown.

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/05/2021 09:43

*soil

Summercocktailsinthesnow · 17/05/2021 09:45

You have exploded because after years of being worn down by your dh and family, you have been forced to acknowledge that there is now a new cycle and generation of them in your son. No wonder you are upset and sad given the suffering you have endured.

I don't think it is too late though, but some open debate with your child is now essential.

Cam2020 · 17/05/2021 09:47

Yes, i agree.

OP please don't condemn your DS to a life of being a conceited, bulling arsehole and please don't subject yourself to any more of this from your husband or his family.

Obviously it's not great that you've snapped at your son, but I hope the fact to you have snapped means your willingness to put up with this bullshit is at an end.

Ponoka7 · 17/05/2021 09:48

I've voted YABU because teenage boys often do want that connection with their dad and there could be nothing behind it. As said you've just put the 28 years that you've chosen onto your child's head. That's disgraceful. Why have you stayed?

3scape · 17/05/2021 09:49

I can't understand why you are with this man. If anyone needs to move on and up it's you. Your 12 year old was probably just running off his mouth and it was possibly about wanting to be handsome rather than beautiful or stunning. Say sorry to him.
Then ditch that resentment and negativity. It'll do your self esteem some good to free yourself rather than waiting around for his lack of appreciation to let him make what for him would be a mistake. Get out. Get happy.

Countrycode · 17/05/2021 09:54

You directed your anger at your husband towards your child. It does happen absolutely but it happens because you're not being an adult, you're tolerating horrible treatment and instead of putting a stop to it you're letting it build and build until it bubbles over like it did on your son. Yes you're being ground down by your husband but that's no excuse to do the same to your child.

You need to take a bit of ownership here OP. Leaving your husband and his rotten family would be a good place to start. Why do you stay? Is it finances? Start saving.

SwedishK · 17/05/2021 09:55

@Summercocktailsinthesnow

I don't think it is too late though, but some open debate with your child is now essential.

I think this is so true. You need to get out of that family and then work on getting through to your son. He isn't a lost cause yet, but there is some damage control to be done.

WutheringTights · 17/05/2021 10:00

What @SwedishK said. With bells on.

Jesusmaryjosephandthecamel · 17/05/2021 10:06

The thing that jumps out at me is that you married someone who had given off a vibe that he was too good for you, since the day you met. Why on earth did you marry him and have children with him.

Your husband will never change, he’s been brought up to behave like that. Your son is learning the same behaviour. You need to get the hell out of there and take your children with you.

Triffid1 · 17/05/2021 10:14

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Now at this point in the reading, you are probably thinking that I am some sad old loser who has no education and has let herself go

I had copied and pasted the same line in your OP to say the same thing.

Why stick around? They all sound awful, especially your dh.

HeadNorth · 17/05/2021 10:19

Don't take your deep seated resentment of your husband out on your 12 year old child - that is the behaviour of a sad loser. Address the issues in your marriage, don't be nasty to your children, who are just mirroring back the world you and your DH have created for them. Your son has no say in the sort of marriage you have been party to - own the issue and then address it, instead of metaphorically kicking the cat.

pinkyredrose · 17/05/2021 10:23

Do you want another 28yrs of this crap?

ittakes2 · 17/05/2021 10:24

OP - my husband would not tolerate his family treating me the way his family have/are treating you or making you feel.

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